Other than the fact that I have now, officially, reached the age where I no longer know how old I am?
I consider that a plus :)
Looking back on how far we have come in a year - two years - three years - it's simply astounding.
Two years ago, I could never have imagined my life today.
Five years ago, my life today would have been inconceivable.
Seven years ago, my life today would have been absolutely laughable it was so far out of reach.
I guess it all just goes to show that we have to walk our path at our own pace. We don't know what the turns are. Sometimes we get the opportunity to run and sometimes we are forced to slow down to a ridiculous pace that seems to bring on insanity. But we are continuing on that path and we are moving forward - always moving forward, and maybe that's the important thing to remember.
When I drive home from the worst day of work this year, or I'm so sleep deprived that I can barely stand up straight, I still take time to look at the beautiful changing colors on the trees and thank God that I am allowed to be outside enjoying this beautiful time of year rather than watching it from a chair through the window.
When I complain or feel stressed out or I simply want to cry because I'm upset, I remind myself of the pain of losing those I've loved and those I've loved and never known.
When I ride my bike with Katie and I can barely breathe because it's hard, I remind myself of when I didn't have a child to do this with and I was all alone.
When I wake up in the middle of the night for the millionth time with Hope, I remind myself that a year ago, I was barely hanging on to hope itself.
Nothing minimizes our daily struggles, but our daily struggles are what prepares us for our daily life. Life isn't as precious if we can't see it through the stains of our pain and our troubles...but life is more beautiful when viewed through the stained glass of our past.
What a beautiful year to add to my life. I am so blessed.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My slow, short trip to insanity...
I adore my girls...I truly do...
BUT
One of them is driving me insane and I simply cannot figure out why.
I suppose it's only natural. Katie was a fairly easygoing and laid-back baby, so we knew that we couldn't be that lucky twice, but I just can NOT figure out what Hope wants.
Scratch that. I can. I just can't give it to her.
From six o'clock pm until six o'clock am, she screams. And I mean, SCREAMS. Bloody Murder, Holy Hell - you name it. It's like we're pulling her toenails out one by one.
The solution? All family members must be in one room and at least one parent must be holding and/or sleeping with her.
*deep sigh*
In my heart of hearts, I know that she's only little for a short time and that she will, all too soon, want nothing to do with us and want to be on her own.
But it would be so lovely to snuggle with her simply for the sheer joy of snuggling and the love of being together and not because the alternative is ear-piercing, blood-curdling screaming for hours and hours on end.
She screams as we make dinner, give baths, try to do homework with Katie - even if one of us is holding her, she's not happy unless we are all together. That much screaming eventually takes its toll on one's sanity.
On the bright side, she can do "So big" and it's just so darn cute :)
And Katie won a coloring contest that got her VIP tickets to go see the Imagination Movers (along with a CD and signed poster). Brian had prepared the "disappointment" talk to give her, but instead we got the call that she won. When we told her she won the contest, she replied, "Of course, I stayed inside the lines."
God I love my girls.
Now if we could just have a little quiet time or sleep :) But it is a beautiful fall - and I remind myself daily how lovely it is to be outside enjoying my days with the girls instead of inside in my chair enjoying constant contractions. Life is perfect when kept in perspective.
BUT
One of them is driving me insane and I simply cannot figure out why.
I suppose it's only natural. Katie was a fairly easygoing and laid-back baby, so we knew that we couldn't be that lucky twice, but I just can NOT figure out what Hope wants.
Scratch that. I can. I just can't give it to her.
From six o'clock pm until six o'clock am, she screams. And I mean, SCREAMS. Bloody Murder, Holy Hell - you name it. It's like we're pulling her toenails out one by one.
The solution? All family members must be in one room and at least one parent must be holding and/or sleeping with her.
*deep sigh*
In my heart of hearts, I know that she's only little for a short time and that she will, all too soon, want nothing to do with us and want to be on her own.
But it would be so lovely to snuggle with her simply for the sheer joy of snuggling and the love of being together and not because the alternative is ear-piercing, blood-curdling screaming for hours and hours on end.
She screams as we make dinner, give baths, try to do homework with Katie - even if one of us is holding her, she's not happy unless we are all together. That much screaming eventually takes its toll on one's sanity.
On the bright side, she can do "So big" and it's just so darn cute :)
And Katie won a coloring contest that got her VIP tickets to go see the Imagination Movers (along with a CD and signed poster). Brian had prepared the "disappointment" talk to give her, but instead we got the call that she won. When we told her she won the contest, she replied, "Of course, I stayed inside the lines."
God I love my girls.
Now if we could just have a little quiet time or sleep :) But it is a beautiful fall - and I remind myself daily how lovely it is to be outside enjoying my days with the girls instead of inside in my chair enjoying constant contractions. Life is perfect when kept in perspective.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The News is
Good.
All around.
First off, what you really care about -
All the biopsies came back within "normal" range. This does not mean that everything is totally ok. Some of them are pretty funny looking and suspicious - in fact, I believe one threatened to mug the doctor or muttered something racist when his head was turned - however, they are all pretty decent for the moment. This means that in a week, Brian will go in and they will discuss treatment options. In a few years we may have to look at some surgical options to remove some scary stuff and/or correct some other things, but for now we'll be looking at medical management. We'll also be closely monitoring all these little buggers on a yearly basis to ensure they don't have a chance to grow or get out of hand. Therefore, the news is good.
As for me, this is my first non-light headed, fully connected to my body day.
Therefore, I will call today a win. Score another one for the Aitken family and continue to hope that the wins outweigh the losses in the long run. I continue to thank you all for your enormous support and thoughtfulness. This past week has been so much harder than I ever dreamed and I'm so glad to know I have such an amazing group of "family" to lean on.
God bless you all.
All around.
First off, what you really care about -
All the biopsies came back within "normal" range. This does not mean that everything is totally ok. Some of them are pretty funny looking and suspicious - in fact, I believe one threatened to mug the doctor or muttered something racist when his head was turned - however, they are all pretty decent for the moment. This means that in a week, Brian will go in and they will discuss treatment options. In a few years we may have to look at some surgical options to remove some scary stuff and/or correct some other things, but for now we'll be looking at medical management. We'll also be closely monitoring all these little buggers on a yearly basis to ensure they don't have a chance to grow or get out of hand. Therefore, the news is good.
As for me, this is my first non-light headed, fully connected to my body day.
Therefore, I will call today a win. Score another one for the Aitken family and continue to hope that the wins outweigh the losses in the long run. I continue to thank you all for your enormous support and thoughtfulness. This past week has been so much harder than I ever dreamed and I'm so glad to know I have such an amazing group of "family" to lean on.
God bless you all.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
The Zen of Painting a Porch
Subtitled *Exhaustion*
The nice part about the past week is that I have just been so freakin' drugged out of my mind and exhuasted that time has passed more quickly than I thought it would. The not so nice part is that I have been exhausted and drugged out of my mind. It's been interesting.
To begin with the more mundane...Hope is still teething and dealing with her eczema and dairy rashes (in addition to environmental and emotional rashes - she is breaking out at the drop of a hat anymore), and sleep has become next to non-existent. She won't sleep in her room at all. She won't sleep in my room. She won't sleep in my bed. If I move or get up or turn over, she screams bloody murder. I am literally a walking zombie. I am very very tired. This has been a little bit hard.
We have been painting the porch (an ongoing, two-year project) and I am sore and very tired from doing such physical work after working at school all morning. This takes hours and hours into the evening, at which point the girls are home and I'm chasing after them and picking them up and feeding them and bathing them and whatnot.
Then there's grading and schoolwork. Don't forget about that.
And the Topamax. That's been a trip all it's own. Today is the first time I actually feel almost connected to my body, which is a relief because I was really starting to freak out. I've felt very out of it and dazed ever since I started on this last week. I was confused and feeling very doped up - very slow and stupid feeling. I also felt like my mind was not in my body - like I wasn't in control and couldn't react. I still don't feel completely in control and I'm starting to realize the difference between "anti-depressant" (what I've typically been on) and "mood stabilizer" (new drug). I can really feel this one messing with my brain. It's dulling a lot of things and messing with a lot of others and I'm not used to feeling so much effect from a medication.
In any case...here's hoping we hear something tomorrow. And that it's good. And that I get some sleep soon. But full body exhaustion due to lack of sleep and physical work is a good combination for not worrying about things you can't control.
The nice part about the past week is that I have just been so freakin' drugged out of my mind and exhuasted that time has passed more quickly than I thought it would. The not so nice part is that I have been exhausted and drugged out of my mind. It's been interesting.
To begin with the more mundane...Hope is still teething and dealing with her eczema and dairy rashes (in addition to environmental and emotional rashes - she is breaking out at the drop of a hat anymore), and sleep has become next to non-existent. She won't sleep in her room at all. She won't sleep in my room. She won't sleep in my bed. If I move or get up or turn over, she screams bloody murder. I am literally a walking zombie. I am very very tired. This has been a little bit hard.
We have been painting the porch (an ongoing, two-year project) and I am sore and very tired from doing such physical work after working at school all morning. This takes hours and hours into the evening, at which point the girls are home and I'm chasing after them and picking them up and feeding them and bathing them and whatnot.
Then there's grading and schoolwork. Don't forget about that.
And the Topamax. That's been a trip all it's own. Today is the first time I actually feel almost connected to my body, which is a relief because I was really starting to freak out. I've felt very out of it and dazed ever since I started on this last week. I was confused and feeling very doped up - very slow and stupid feeling. I also felt like my mind was not in my body - like I wasn't in control and couldn't react. I still don't feel completely in control and I'm starting to realize the difference between "anti-depressant" (what I've typically been on) and "mood stabilizer" (new drug). I can really feel this one messing with my brain. It's dulling a lot of things and messing with a lot of others and I'm not used to feeling so much effect from a medication.
In any case...here's hoping we hear something tomorrow. And that it's good. And that I get some sleep soon. But full body exhaustion due to lack of sleep and physical work is a good combination for not worrying about things you can't control.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Ahhhh...
While it's been a difficult week, I'm on to a new and hopeful track...
Went to see my doctor and he confirmed that the bipolar has been hitting me hard and fast. Manic followed by complete exhaustion/depression (he noted the circles under my eyes today and my lethargic speech...as well as my increased weight...damn. Why can't I lose weight when depressed?) In any case, we've now decided to consider upping the dose of Seroquel (we'll decide that when I go back in two weeks) to try to calm the mood swings and ups and downs of mania/depression. He wants me to go off the Prozac altogether as he thinks that is causing my manias and making me extra anxious and jittery. Now we're moving on to a small dose of Topomax - to be increased next week. He assumes we'll have to up it a few times, but hopefully this will start to even things out for now. It's a mood stabilizer, so hopefully that will help (never tried one of those before :) Still on the Xanax for "spot" treatments or help as needed.
Hate trying new meds because it's a long process of figuring out which is the right one and the right dose and it's frustrating to start this process again, but I do want to find me again and I know this is the way to do it.
BTW - the massage helped ENORMOUSLY. I cannot say enough for people who are in this line of work - they are God's angels (expensive angels, but totally worth it!).
Again, thank you to all of you who have listened to my hysteria or have sent supportive messages. I'm doing better today and I'm really hoping the medicine change will help me keep things in perspective.
In any case, it's time to get out of this exhausted funk and exercise. I'm going to make the whole family take a nice long walk (good to exhaust Katie and good for Brian's and my health). In other good news, he's taken the news to heart and is cooking in a more heart-friendly and health-friendly manner and actually trying to enjoy it :) Bless his heart.
Hopefully we'll all just come out the other side a bit healthier and happier.
Went to see my doctor and he confirmed that the bipolar has been hitting me hard and fast. Manic followed by complete exhaustion/depression (he noted the circles under my eyes today and my lethargic speech...as well as my increased weight...damn. Why can't I lose weight when depressed?) In any case, we've now decided to consider upping the dose of Seroquel (we'll decide that when I go back in two weeks) to try to calm the mood swings and ups and downs of mania/depression. He wants me to go off the Prozac altogether as he thinks that is causing my manias and making me extra anxious and jittery. Now we're moving on to a small dose of Topomax - to be increased next week. He assumes we'll have to up it a few times, but hopefully this will start to even things out for now. It's a mood stabilizer, so hopefully that will help (never tried one of those before :) Still on the Xanax for "spot" treatments or help as needed.
Hate trying new meds because it's a long process of figuring out which is the right one and the right dose and it's frustrating to start this process again, but I do want to find me again and I know this is the way to do it.
BTW - the massage helped ENORMOUSLY. I cannot say enough for people who are in this line of work - they are God's angels (expensive angels, but totally worth it!).
Again, thank you to all of you who have listened to my hysteria or have sent supportive messages. I'm doing better today and I'm really hoping the medicine change will help me keep things in perspective.
In any case, it's time to get out of this exhausted funk and exercise. I'm going to make the whole family take a nice long walk (good to exhaust Katie and good for Brian's and my health). In other good news, he's taken the news to heart and is cooking in a more heart-friendly and health-friendly manner and actually trying to enjoy it :) Bless his heart.
Hopefully we'll all just come out the other side a bit healthier and happier.
Do Things Look Brighter in the Morning?
One of my wonderful friends reminded me of this idea last night.
And I can safely say, yes; things do look better in the morning.
I think I was so drained by all that led up to the day and the day itself and the stress of being there for the procedure and hearing everything - well, I think it set my mind into overdrive.
Today I'm calmer. I still don't feel great, but I feel calmer. I can breathe. I don't think I'll break into spontaneous tears and I was ok with getting out of bed.
Of course, the fact that I got several very large hugs this morning from all members of my family was incredibly helpful.
And those who checked in on me gave me a much needed sense of comfort. Just hearing kind words from others helps calm me down - helps me to get back in touch with the logical part of my mind.
In other news, I have my regular Dr. appt today to check my meds. I think we can safely say that while I haven't gotten worse, I haven't improved lately. My mind is at war with itself, and I hope we can start to figure out how to get my mind back in control of the crazy mind.
And, just because I did, I made an appointment for a nice long massage after.
It will be ok. It will all be ok. I just have to wait.
And I can safely say, yes; things do look better in the morning.
I think I was so drained by all that led up to the day and the day itself and the stress of being there for the procedure and hearing everything - well, I think it set my mind into overdrive.
Today I'm calmer. I still don't feel great, but I feel calmer. I can breathe. I don't think I'll break into spontaneous tears and I was ok with getting out of bed.
Of course, the fact that I got several very large hugs this morning from all members of my family was incredibly helpful.
And those who checked in on me gave me a much needed sense of comfort. Just hearing kind words from others helps calm me down - helps me to get back in touch with the logical part of my mind.
In other news, I have my regular Dr. appt today to check my meds. I think we can safely say that while I haven't gotten worse, I haven't improved lately. My mind is at war with itself, and I hope we can start to figure out how to get my mind back in control of the crazy mind.
And, just because I did, I made an appointment for a nice long massage after.
It will be ok. It will all be ok. I just have to wait.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Broken Down
I should be able to handle this - after all, right now there is literally nothing to worry about.
But I can't. And I'm falling apart.
I can't stop crying. I feel as though I'm going to vomit all the time.
He's the strong one - not me. I know this is so silly and stupid - especially in light of what others are dealing with or what we've gone through before...
But I'm not in control...that gosh-darned Bipolar mind has taken over.
I've been manically scrubbing and cleaning.
Grading and organizing.
Researching and gathering.
I can't stop...but when I do it's the depression...
I could barely make it through classes today without crying.
I want to call in sick for a week and ball up in bed.
And it's not even me and it's not even anything "really" serious.
I hate my mind. I hate that it f*&ks with me when I feel like I have it together. I hate that I'm emotionally falling apart while my logic tells me that everything is ok. I hate that I can't trust my mind and my feelings and my emotions.
I hate being bipolar. I hate it. I want to be normal - whatever that means. I don't want to be OCD or have anxiety issues or mania or depression or anything else. I just want to be me...whoever that is.
But I can't. And I'm falling apart.
I can't stop crying. I feel as though I'm going to vomit all the time.
He's the strong one - not me. I know this is so silly and stupid - especially in light of what others are dealing with or what we've gone through before...
But I'm not in control...that gosh-darned Bipolar mind has taken over.
I've been manically scrubbing and cleaning.
Grading and organizing.
Researching and gathering.
I can't stop...but when I do it's the depression...
I could barely make it through classes today without crying.
I want to call in sick for a week and ball up in bed.
And it's not even me and it's not even anything "really" serious.
I hate my mind. I hate that it f*&ks with me when I feel like I have it together. I hate that I'm emotionally falling apart while my logic tells me that everything is ok. I hate that I can't trust my mind and my feelings and my emotions.
I hate being bipolar. I hate it. I want to be normal - whatever that means. I don't want to be OCD or have anxiety issues or mania or depression or anything else. I just want to be me...whoever that is.
And now we wait....
Which will be the hardest part.
There was a lot of inflammation and other problems - much more than the doctor expected to see. Several areas were biopsied and several polyps removed for biopsy. Unfortunately, it takes a week for those results to come back.
Brian, of course, is trying to tell me it's all fine and that they didn't find anything - that doctors have to biopsy everything and that they'll just find a medication for him. And yes, I know that biopsies have to be done when they find anything irregular and even expected them...
But I was still hoping, somewhere inside, that they'd find nothing. Or just a little irritation. Not a lot of extensive irritation and inflammation with other problems with lots of big words (I could get his discharge sheet and tell you, but a) you don't need all that information and b) that would clue him in that I'm typing this right now.
I'm trying very very hard to hold it together because I know it's probably nothing and that a simple change of diet and a pill will fix things...but I didn't expect to hear there were so many problems. I kinda feel like I'm hanging on an edge right now...
Waiting...God I hate waiting...
There was a lot of inflammation and other problems - much more than the doctor expected to see. Several areas were biopsied and several polyps removed for biopsy. Unfortunately, it takes a week for those results to come back.
Brian, of course, is trying to tell me it's all fine and that they didn't find anything - that doctors have to biopsy everything and that they'll just find a medication for him. And yes, I know that biopsies have to be done when they find anything irregular and even expected them...
But I was still hoping, somewhere inside, that they'd find nothing. Or just a little irritation. Not a lot of extensive irritation and inflammation with other problems with lots of big words (I could get his discharge sheet and tell you, but a) you don't need all that information and b) that would clue him in that I'm typing this right now.
I'm trying very very hard to hold it together because I know it's probably nothing and that a simple change of diet and a pill will fix things...but I didn't expect to hear there were so many problems. I kinda feel like I'm hanging on an edge right now...
Waiting...God I hate waiting...
Monday, September 24, 2012
In need of strength...
For those of you who don't know my husband, he's a very sweet and kind person who comes off as abrupt and blunt to those who don't know him. He cares deeply about his family and his friends and would literally give them the shirt off his back. For as much as he royally annoys me sometimes and irks me, he is a very good man who comes off too abrasively sometimes for others...most people think he doesn't like them, even though he will protect them at all costs.
Well, my husband doesn't have the best habits. It's not entirely his fault. He doesn't eat all the foods he should and he doesn't exercise. But he does spend every single moment from the time he gets home from work to the time he goes to bed cleaning and cooking and taking care of his family. He sacrifices friendships and activities he would like to do because we are his first priority. I only wish I could be so noble in my intents...I'm not. I'm selfish most of the time.
That said, I finally, after all of my health problems and the issues with conceiving, forced him to go to a doctor to get a physical and to check on some issues that scare me. He has a lot of gastrointestinal issues - hiccups, acid reflux, sour stomach, etc. I know that doesn't sound serious, but digestive problems are obviously not comfortable or easy to deal with.
Well, after seeing his physician, he got mostly good news - low cholesterol and blood pressure (the highs run in his family, so I was worried about those), but they are pretty concerned about the GI stuff. On Wednesday, he's going to get a GI scope (after meeting with a specialist who ordered it) at the hospital to determine if he has "Barrett's Esophagus" and/or pre-cancerous cells.
Those of you who know me well know that I immediately went into research mode as a means of self-defense and found out as much as I could. It appears that there could be a pretty high probability of the Barrett's thing - which would mean closely monitoring the situation to ensure it's not cancer. As for them finding anything cancerous right now? Well, I don't know. From what I can tell, there aren't a lot of symptoms outside of what he already has, so I just don't know.
So, on Wednesday, for the first time, I will have to see my husband go under General Anesthesia to have this simple procedure. But then we will wait. And my thoughts and my brain are far scarier than most prognosis. I'm terrified to see him drugged or out. I'm terrified that they'll find something. I'm just terrified - I've always been the one on the other side...and it was easier. It was easier to undergo the procedures than to watch from the outside.
Please, send us strength. He's fine (or putting up a brave front) as always, but I'm having a hard time keeping myself in check. I'm scared to be there for the procedure. I'm scared of the results. I'm just scared...what would I do without him? We've been together since 1998...I honestly don't know what I'd do if it was anything at all.
I know the odds are good that it's nothing and I keep reminding myself of that fact. I just have to reign in my runaway brain and think good thoughts.
Well, my husband doesn't have the best habits. It's not entirely his fault. He doesn't eat all the foods he should and he doesn't exercise. But he does spend every single moment from the time he gets home from work to the time he goes to bed cleaning and cooking and taking care of his family. He sacrifices friendships and activities he would like to do because we are his first priority. I only wish I could be so noble in my intents...I'm not. I'm selfish most of the time.
That said, I finally, after all of my health problems and the issues with conceiving, forced him to go to a doctor to get a physical and to check on some issues that scare me. He has a lot of gastrointestinal issues - hiccups, acid reflux, sour stomach, etc. I know that doesn't sound serious, but digestive problems are obviously not comfortable or easy to deal with.
Well, after seeing his physician, he got mostly good news - low cholesterol and blood pressure (the highs run in his family, so I was worried about those), but they are pretty concerned about the GI stuff. On Wednesday, he's going to get a GI scope (after meeting with a specialist who ordered it) at the hospital to determine if he has "Barrett's Esophagus" and/or pre-cancerous cells.
Those of you who know me well know that I immediately went into research mode as a means of self-defense and found out as much as I could. It appears that there could be a pretty high probability of the Barrett's thing - which would mean closely monitoring the situation to ensure it's not cancer. As for them finding anything cancerous right now? Well, I don't know. From what I can tell, there aren't a lot of symptoms outside of what he already has, so I just don't know.
So, on Wednesday, for the first time, I will have to see my husband go under General Anesthesia to have this simple procedure. But then we will wait. And my thoughts and my brain are far scarier than most prognosis. I'm terrified to see him drugged or out. I'm terrified that they'll find something. I'm just terrified - I've always been the one on the other side...and it was easier. It was easier to undergo the procedures than to watch from the outside.
Please, send us strength. He's fine (or putting up a brave front) as always, but I'm having a hard time keeping myself in check. I'm scared to be there for the procedure. I'm scared of the results. I'm just scared...what would I do without him? We've been together since 1998...I honestly don't know what I'd do if it was anything at all.
I know the odds are good that it's nothing and I keep reminding myself of that fact. I just have to reign in my runaway brain and think good thoughts.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Sending out some prayers
Many of my students come from an area that we would not consider to be the safest or the most stable, so I'm always amazed that this doesn't happen more often in the semester. However, this time it's a bit too close to home.
A student of mine lost her sister to a senseless act of murder. The woman left behind an autistic son and disappeared for days. I feel so badly for her and am keeping her and her family in my thoughts and prayers as they attend the funeral tomorrow.
But then, in a strange twist of fate, it was another of my students who actually was involved in finding the body. It was on this student's neighbor's field and had been run over by a combine. This student was particularly upset and bothered by this because, as you can imagine, there wasn't a lot left after such an accident.
So not only does one family mourn the loss of their loved one, but another family tries to deal with what they found in their own neighborhood.
We were just discussing this in class last week, as that was when the body was discovered. The related student has been missing, now with obvious reason, for over a week. I'm keeping all of them in my thoughts and prayers and hope you will do the same.
A student of mine lost her sister to a senseless act of murder. The woman left behind an autistic son and disappeared for days. I feel so badly for her and am keeping her and her family in my thoughts and prayers as they attend the funeral tomorrow.
But then, in a strange twist of fate, it was another of my students who actually was involved in finding the body. It was on this student's neighbor's field and had been run over by a combine. This student was particularly upset and bothered by this because, as you can imagine, there wasn't a lot left after such an accident.
So not only does one family mourn the loss of their loved one, but another family tries to deal with what they found in their own neighborhood.
We were just discussing this in class last week, as that was when the body was discovered. The related student has been missing, now with obvious reason, for over a week. I'm keeping all of them in my thoughts and prayers and hope you will do the same.
Friday, September 14, 2012
My life is moving in a different direction...
Something has been in the works for a few weeks that I have been keeping a bit quiet about (not easy for me) since it isn't certain yet. It still isn't certain, but I'm a step closer, so I feel it's safe to share some information.
A major textbook publisher (one of the biggest for English textbooks), approached me about talking about taking over the revisions for one of the biggest workbook series within their English catalog. It's a three book series of differing levels and is currently in its fifth edition. Apparently, the person who wrote and has been editing and revising the books wants to step back from the process, and so they were looking for someone new.
One of the perks of my job is that I am often approached by publishers to do reviews of products or to answer surveys about the current needs of the fields. This publisher contacted me based on a review I did about two years ago that they thought was well reasoned and interesting. I had a phone interview where we discussed my possible role and where I thought the series would go. Not only does the job involve revising the books, but there is travel for promotional purposes and to train schools that choose to adopt the book. After that, I had a written interview that required me to give some more specific ideas as to what I would do to work with the series and the needs that I think it's going to have to meet in the future.
Well, today we have moved on to what appears to be their final step in the process. They are asking me to take the highest level book and use the Table of Contents to demonstrate what I would do with a potential revision. Where would I make the edits, cuts, changes, etc...and then, the big question: did I see more work as an actual revision or as a new series?
Since it's already a successful series, I think that my comments will indicate that the book should be revised, but that we should probably start making more significant revisions that lead towards a new or changed series. I don't want to lose the reputation or the following that the book already has.
In any case, all of this would be on top of my teaching job. It's one of those processes where you do a lot of work up front (revisions and editing) and then, when the book sells, earn royalties. From what I've gathered, the royalties on a book like this could be more than my yearly salary.
So again - I don't know if it's my job yet or not (or even if I could handle it on my own), but it's an exciting development and something I never anticipated. If you had told me two years ago that I would have my wonderful and complete family and would be fielding opportunities like this professionally, I would have laughed at you.
It just goes to show...there's a plan there somewhere. We just don't always get clued in on it.
A major textbook publisher (one of the biggest for English textbooks), approached me about talking about taking over the revisions for one of the biggest workbook series within their English catalog. It's a three book series of differing levels and is currently in its fifth edition. Apparently, the person who wrote and has been editing and revising the books wants to step back from the process, and so they were looking for someone new.
One of the perks of my job is that I am often approached by publishers to do reviews of products or to answer surveys about the current needs of the fields. This publisher contacted me based on a review I did about two years ago that they thought was well reasoned and interesting. I had a phone interview where we discussed my possible role and where I thought the series would go. Not only does the job involve revising the books, but there is travel for promotional purposes and to train schools that choose to adopt the book. After that, I had a written interview that required me to give some more specific ideas as to what I would do to work with the series and the needs that I think it's going to have to meet in the future.
Well, today we have moved on to what appears to be their final step in the process. They are asking me to take the highest level book and use the Table of Contents to demonstrate what I would do with a potential revision. Where would I make the edits, cuts, changes, etc...and then, the big question: did I see more work as an actual revision or as a new series?
Since it's already a successful series, I think that my comments will indicate that the book should be revised, but that we should probably start making more significant revisions that lead towards a new or changed series. I don't want to lose the reputation or the following that the book already has.
In any case, all of this would be on top of my teaching job. It's one of those processes where you do a lot of work up front (revisions and editing) and then, when the book sells, earn royalties. From what I've gathered, the royalties on a book like this could be more than my yearly salary.
So again - I don't know if it's my job yet or not (or even if I could handle it on my own), but it's an exciting development and something I never anticipated. If you had told me two years ago that I would have my wonderful and complete family and would be fielding opportunities like this professionally, I would have laughed at you.
It just goes to show...there's a plan there somewhere. We just don't always get clued in on it.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Feeling loved :)
Which is always an awesome feeling :) My adorable friend D, gave me this beautiful necklace this morning and it just made my day. I'm always looking for ways to commemorate my little buddies who aren't here with us, and this is just perfect. More than loving the gift, though, is the amazing feeling soaring through my heart that someone else wanted to help me remember my babies. I'm laughing as I write this because I'm supposed to be the English person and writing should be my thing, but I'm completely at a loss for words right now because I am so touched and awed. My words aren't enough: Thank you!Adjusting and getting back into a routine has been very good for us as a family. Hope has a new friend to play with at daycare (there's only the two of them and Katie) who is 15 months old and, apparently, the two of them just adore each other. I'm just pleased there is another little one for Hope to play with - especially now that Katie has school daily. My little baby is just growing like a weed, though! She now can crawl faster than most people walk, can go up and (sometimes) down stairs (although the down part is often quicker and less comfortable than she would prefer), pulls herself up and walks around the room holding on to furniture, says Momma, Dada, Papa, and Hi, can do "so big" and "peek-a-boo," and can feed herself puffs and yogurt melts. Her smile and beautiful blue eyes are adorable. We can't get her to hold onto a bottle and she does NOT like to be left alone. I think we may have spoiled her a bit when she was very little by holding her all the time, but I'm not going to apologize for that.
Katie, on the other hand, is becoming more independent daily and also growing up too quickly. She now goes to Pre-K five days a week for half a day and she loves it. She's making new friends (who she calls "Friend" - names are of little concern to her as long as someone will play with her) and learning a lot. It's helping with her moods and tantrums (I think since it's more structured than my summer days, it's good for her) and, overall, she's still being a wonderful big sister who always worries about Hope before herself.
In other ways, Katie continues to be my special buddy. She's decided that she is going to be my teacher and is going to teach me how to run. We can now run about three miles on the Wii together and have recently started going out to the trail (since, on occasion, it cools down below 90 degrees). On Friday, she and I ran a full half mile and I interspersed some walking to make it a full mile (then we walked some more). Since I've never ever been able to run, this is a big win for me - and it's also funny to watch my four year old lap me with ease :)
I have a new group of students who are also teaching me so much more about life and myself daily. Since I get to see them four days a week (a luxury I don't usually get), I'm really getting to know them and they're getting to know each other. I've found out that one of my students used to live in LA and be in commercials and then got caught up in gang stuff. I've got students who grew up in the projects and also joined gangs. Several have been to prison and many are young moms and dads who have no home. I'm feeling blessed to be able to work with them because they are all very determined and eager to help each other. I don't often see that in developmental classes - particularly this early in the semester, but it's almost as if they have all decided to help each other succeed. I'm proud of the work they've been doing and pleased with their attitude...and it helps me so much to see them and hear their stories. To know what other people are living through daily and to remind myself that my problems right now are not very big at all.
I've been spending a lot of time lately on other people's blogs and my heart aches for what some of them are experiencing. It reminds me of the years that I spent wallowing in the "it's just not fair" or "no one is listening" pit of sadness. I don't know that there's any way to avoid that pit when things are going badly or life is hard, but eventually, we do start to climb out and see that we grew so much from those experiences. But it's hard to remember that as I read about friends who have lost family members or fellow bloggers who are still struggling in their hopes to have a family or simply knowing that some people are not in the place in their life that they wish they were.
We all wish we could just make it better - to fix it all and take away that sadness or frustration. You know, I'm not one that's normally up for much in the realm of fantasy, but there's one particular poem that seems to fit right now - from J.R.R. Tolkien
- All that is gold does not glitter,
- Not all those who wander are lost;
- The old that is strong does not wither,
- Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
- A light from the shadows shall spring;
- Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
- The crownless again shall be king.
- Remember: not all who wander are lost. Thank you to my amazing and beautifully kind-hearted friends. I don't say it enough, but I want you to know that you are loved and in my prayers always.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
First week
Back at school and I am utterly exhausted. We have some new classes we are rolling out and it keeps me teaching back to back - which is good because I stay charged and revved up if it's a good class, but it also makes me just deflate when I get into the car.
It's tough to be an introverted teacher :) You put on such a good show and then just collapse because the students took all the energy you had. Overall, I seem to have a pretty interesting bunch of kids (yes, they are not kids, but I always call them that - the adults often think it's funny) who are not shy about sharing their ideas (which, for day three is AWESOME!).
It's amazing how quickly the evenings go. Once the girls are home (about five) it's like a non-stop whirlwind until bedtime. We don't quite have a schedule yet, but I'm sure we'll get there. Hope is loving daycare and thinks it's awesome to be the center of Debbie's world all day long. She is hopelessly (no pun intended) spoiled...but happy.
Katie will be starting pre-K on Monday (the preschool starts a week later than the school and ends a week earlier). We had the choice between pre-K and pre-4 and opted for pre-K both because she's a smart little peanut and because it meets five days a week for half a day (as opposed to three half days with pre-4). Since Kindergarten will be full days five days a week, we thought this would be a better transition for her. She's so ready to go - it's so funny. She got to meet her teacher and check out her room and approved it all. I know she's going to learn and grow so much this year; she never stops amazing me.
Otherwise, you can tell the other colleges and universities in town are back in session. Traffic sucks, no one knows where they are going or what to do on a one-way street, and you have to wait for everything - lines at the stores, excessive waits for food...blech. I get so used to our cute little town in the summer...and then it becomes this huge monster in the fall.
Sixteen weeks until they all go home for winter break :)
It's tough to be an introverted teacher :) You put on such a good show and then just collapse because the students took all the energy you had. Overall, I seem to have a pretty interesting bunch of kids (yes, they are not kids, but I always call them that - the adults often think it's funny) who are not shy about sharing their ideas (which, for day three is AWESOME!).
It's amazing how quickly the evenings go. Once the girls are home (about five) it's like a non-stop whirlwind until bedtime. We don't quite have a schedule yet, but I'm sure we'll get there. Hope is loving daycare and thinks it's awesome to be the center of Debbie's world all day long. She is hopelessly (no pun intended) spoiled...but happy.
Katie will be starting pre-K on Monday (the preschool starts a week later than the school and ends a week earlier). We had the choice between pre-K and pre-4 and opted for pre-K both because she's a smart little peanut and because it meets five days a week for half a day (as opposed to three half days with pre-4). Since Kindergarten will be full days five days a week, we thought this would be a better transition for her. She's so ready to go - it's so funny. She got to meet her teacher and check out her room and approved it all. I know she's going to learn and grow so much this year; she never stops amazing me.
Otherwise, you can tell the other colleges and universities in town are back in session. Traffic sucks, no one knows where they are going or what to do on a one-way street, and you have to wait for everything - lines at the stores, excessive waits for food...blech. I get so used to our cute little town in the summer...and then it becomes this huge monster in the fall.
Sixteen weeks until they all go home for winter break :)
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The song
I stumble across music, poems and other wonderful things from the blogs I read and the friends I meet online.
Well, today I'm sharing "Blessings" by Laura Story. Even if you don't believe in "God," I think that this speaks to some sort of higher power that guides us...and reminds me of that tired old notion of not closing a door without opening a window.
But something in here speaks to my heart - especially now. When I think of friends who are in pain or dealing with hard situations. When I think about my own painful experiences. When I think of the times I felt alone. When I think of all I am TRULY blessed with right now - without reminders.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
"Blessings"
Well, today I'm sharing "Blessings" by Laura Story. Even if you don't believe in "God," I think that this speaks to some sort of higher power that guides us...and reminds me of that tired old notion of not closing a door without opening a window.
But something in here speaks to my heart - especially now. When I think of friends who are in pain or dealing with hard situations. When I think about my own painful experiences. When I think of the times I felt alone. When I think of all I am TRULY blessed with right now - without reminders.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
"Blessings"
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Are your mercies in disguise
What if those great and horrible disappointments or times of loneliness are those times that speak to our soul? After all, we cannot hear if we are speaking.
Just a thought
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Things my daughters teach me...
You should play with everyone. It doesn't matter what they look like or sound like or what they wear or do; anyone can have good ideas and turn out to be an interesting person to hang out with.
Change outfits as the need arises. Please note: "need" is actually defined as "mood." Add tiaras, shin guards, high heels, tutus, police hats, sunglasses, capes, masks and any other accessories as needed. Remove when they are in the way. Repeat process until the day ends.
Ask the question that's on your mind. While it may become a bit annoying to those around you, you eventually become one of the smartest and most observant people around.
Be willing to share the information you've learned. Not everyone learns at the same speed that you do.
Patience is learned by watching others. It is not innate.
You can never say, "I love you," or "You look pretty" to someone too many times.
A day is never so bad that ten minutes on the swings can't make it better. Or a good run. Or a bike ride.
If running or riding, go as fast as you can for a little bit. It's fun.
Forget about what you look like to others. As long as you're not indecent, who cares? Make yourself pretty to yourself.
Sing when you want to - and go ahead and make up a song that fits the occasion. Maybe someone will smile.
Wave hello to everyone, whether you know them or not. They'll usually smile and wave back.
Notice the little things. Even the wild weeds and flowers growing in the yard can make beautiful bouquets.
Silly voices are always funny.
There's always enough time to snuggle.
Change outfits as the need arises. Please note: "need" is actually defined as "mood." Add tiaras, shin guards, high heels, tutus, police hats, sunglasses, capes, masks and any other accessories as needed. Remove when they are in the way. Repeat process until the day ends.
Ask the question that's on your mind. While it may become a bit annoying to those around you, you eventually become one of the smartest and most observant people around.
Be willing to share the information you've learned. Not everyone learns at the same speed that you do.
Patience is learned by watching others. It is not innate.
You can never say, "I love you," or "You look pretty" to someone too many times.
A day is never so bad that ten minutes on the swings can't make it better. Or a good run. Or a bike ride.
If running or riding, go as fast as you can for a little bit. It's fun.
Forget about what you look like to others. As long as you're not indecent, who cares? Make yourself pretty to yourself.
Sing when you want to - and go ahead and make up a song that fits the occasion. Maybe someone will smile.
Wave hello to everyone, whether you know them or not. They'll usually smile and wave back.
Notice the little things. Even the wild weeds and flowers growing in the yard can make beautiful bouquets.
Silly voices are always funny.
There's always enough time to snuggle.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Med Check
Just to add to the fun of back to school, I had my appointment with the doctor to go over my current meds and how they're working for me.
First of all, let me just say that any type of mental illness or disorder is just freakin' exhausting. Go to the doctor, get a prescription. Go back to the doctor, get prescription changed since it didn't work. Repeat indefinitely.
It can take months or even years to find the appropriate treatment for your particular issue.
Unfortunately, I've been on the edge of a mania all week and it's really bothering me. Doctor thought it might be the transition from summer to school (and leaving the girls, planning new classes, etc), so he was hesitant to adjust the meds...which is frustrating. I really hate when I feel this way because it makes me paranoid and I second and third guess everything I do because I don't know what's me and what's the mania.
He did give me something to help level me out - a sort of bandaid. We'll see if it works. Problem is, I don't like to use it because it makes me dull and sleepy. We'll see.
Here's to another year on the bipolar roller-coaster that is my life :)
First of all, let me just say that any type of mental illness or disorder is just freakin' exhausting. Go to the doctor, get a prescription. Go back to the doctor, get prescription changed since it didn't work. Repeat indefinitely.
It can take months or even years to find the appropriate treatment for your particular issue.
Unfortunately, I've been on the edge of a mania all week and it's really bothering me. Doctor thought it might be the transition from summer to school (and leaving the girls, planning new classes, etc), so he was hesitant to adjust the meds...which is frustrating. I really hate when I feel this way because it makes me paranoid and I second and third guess everything I do because I don't know what's me and what's the mania.
He did give me something to help level me out - a sort of bandaid. We'll see if it works. Problem is, I don't like to use it because it makes me dull and sleepy. We'll see.
Here's to another year on the bipolar roller-coaster that is my life :)
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
How to feel like the luckiest girl ever...
Apparently, it's quite simple:
Just post on your blog that you are nervous about being alone or feeling like a nerd when going back to work in the fall and watch the amazing comments and emails flood in.
You all never cease to amaze me with your unending love and support, and it makes me feel like I must have done something pretty awesome in my life to deserve your friendship.
Thank you...and thanks for making me tear up a bit ;)
Just post on your blog that you are nervous about being alone or feeling like a nerd when going back to work in the fall and watch the amazing comments and emails flood in.
You all never cease to amaze me with your unending love and support, and it makes me feel like I must have done something pretty awesome in my life to deserve your friendship.
Thank you...and thanks for making me tear up a bit ;)
Monday, August 13, 2012
Do we ever grow up?
I ask this not to point fingers or to be accusatory - just, do we ever grow past the junior high clique-ishness that plagued me (and many others) for so many years.
Tomorrow, I go back to work. This is our Celebration of Learning, which essentially means that I'll sit in a lot of meetings for a week.
The problem? I'm no longer in the "in" group of faculty in my department.
I know this seems silly, but it's true. I was very in for a couple of years, but after having Katie, I told some colleagues that I needed to back out of the social aspect of our life for a while. I was struggling, really struggling with balancing life and work and husband and child. I was stretched to my limit and couldn't handle it anymore. Add to that more ear infections and sleepless nights than I, at that time, knew were possible, and you have one really exhausted and stressed out person.
Well, apparently, my "I need to take some time for myself" email was received as something else, because since that day, I have been less than welcomed by some people I used to consider my friends and support. Apparently, my need to find a way to live a life with children and a job and keep any sort of sanity was also a snub to those who were my friends.
It was self-preservation. I stand by it.
But since then, these meetings make me exceedingly uncomfortable.
Where do I sit? With who? How awkward will it be?
Honestly: I thought we were all over this point in our lives, but I was wrong.
So, tomorrow I will find a seat in the upper corner of the auditorium and do my best to be invisible. I will avoid dinners, buffets, and lunches. I will wait for the semester to start.
Tomorrow, I go back to work. This is our Celebration of Learning, which essentially means that I'll sit in a lot of meetings for a week.
The problem? I'm no longer in the "in" group of faculty in my department.
I know this seems silly, but it's true. I was very in for a couple of years, but after having Katie, I told some colleagues that I needed to back out of the social aspect of our life for a while. I was struggling, really struggling with balancing life and work and husband and child. I was stretched to my limit and couldn't handle it anymore. Add to that more ear infections and sleepless nights than I, at that time, knew were possible, and you have one really exhausted and stressed out person.
Well, apparently, my "I need to take some time for myself" email was received as something else, because since that day, I have been less than welcomed by some people I used to consider my friends and support. Apparently, my need to find a way to live a life with children and a job and keep any sort of sanity was also a snub to those who were my friends.
It was self-preservation. I stand by it.
But since then, these meetings make me exceedingly uncomfortable.
Where do I sit? With who? How awkward will it be?
Honestly: I thought we were all over this point in our lives, but I was wrong.
So, tomorrow I will find a seat in the upper corner of the auditorium and do my best to be invisible. I will avoid dinners, buffets, and lunches. I will wait for the semester to start.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Confessions of a Professional Mom...
We're not supposed to admit it, and the title isn't meant, but any means, to eliminate anyone from this post - because I think a lot of us fall into this category.
I'm a professional mom. No - you didn't read that correctly. I'm a "professional" and a "mom" and the two are typically separate. And I like it that way :)
I'm lucky enough to be in a field I adore and working at a job with enormous flexibility and intellectual challenges. I like that the students re-energize me and make me think and make me frustrated in new and different ways. And I like that for a few hours during the week, I'm just "Dr. Aitken." It's a nice feeling.
I remember this feeling from after I had Katie and went back to work in the fall. With Hope, it's all just been too crazy to realize, but I'm getting there again. I like those few hours of not answering to the word "mom" - and I think it makes me a much better mom in the long run.
Don't get me wrong. As I think about this coming week being the last full week of summer and my schedules with the girls, I'm very sad. I always get overly emotional at this point in the summer because it's wonderful and exasperating to spend that much time with them. I'm really glad that I got to take this time to see them grow so much - to watch Hope begin to crawl and mimick and eat baby food and babble. To watch Katie learn to ride a bike and play soccer and swim and play in new and different ways (and just generally entertain us). It's a bittersweet moment.
But there's something so exciting about fall. I love that my job allows me to continue to go "back to school" every year - even if I did work an almost full load all summer. I love that there's new students and new books and I get those few hours again to be a thinking and different person than "Mommy."
Mommy is so much better when she's a Professional Mommy. I used to feel guilty and bad about that, but now I know that it's what makes me so engaged and so willing to treasure these moments I do spend with them. I get the best of both worlds - to be me and to be mom. My job is truly a treasure (even when it's exasperating) and so is my family.
I'm a professional mom. No - you didn't read that correctly. I'm a "professional" and a "mom" and the two are typically separate. And I like it that way :)
I'm lucky enough to be in a field I adore and working at a job with enormous flexibility and intellectual challenges. I like that the students re-energize me and make me think and make me frustrated in new and different ways. And I like that for a few hours during the week, I'm just "Dr. Aitken." It's a nice feeling.
I remember this feeling from after I had Katie and went back to work in the fall. With Hope, it's all just been too crazy to realize, but I'm getting there again. I like those few hours of not answering to the word "mom" - and I think it makes me a much better mom in the long run.
Don't get me wrong. As I think about this coming week being the last full week of summer and my schedules with the girls, I'm very sad. I always get overly emotional at this point in the summer because it's wonderful and exasperating to spend that much time with them. I'm really glad that I got to take this time to see them grow so much - to watch Hope begin to crawl and mimick and eat baby food and babble. To watch Katie learn to ride a bike and play soccer and swim and play in new and different ways (and just generally entertain us). It's a bittersweet moment.
But there's something so exciting about fall. I love that my job allows me to continue to go "back to school" every year - even if I did work an almost full load all summer. I love that there's new students and new books and I get those few hours again to be a thinking and different person than "Mommy."
Mommy is so much better when she's a Professional Mommy. I used to feel guilty and bad about that, but now I know that it's what makes me so engaged and so willing to treasure these moments I do spend with them. I get the best of both worlds - to be me and to be mom. My job is truly a treasure (even when it's exasperating) and so is my family.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Time: Friend or Foe?
Time is wonderful and terrible - there's simply no two ways about it.
When you're trying to conceive or are pregnant, time can be simply interminable. It drags on to the point where you feel you're about to burst.
Time with children goes by in the blink of an eye.
It honestly seems unfair that time reacts this way.
My beautiful girls are growing every single day and fill me with so much love and happiness (and exasperation and frustration).
Katie:
Is giving us a wonderful preview of what the teenage years will look like - minus the hormones. She definitely has a mind of her own and is too smart for her own good. She can say things that will make you giggle ("Those aren't dwarves, they're childrens") and make you ache ("You are making my heart break!") It's still too early to say how much of what she says that she actually understands, but I'm starting to get the feeling that she definitely has bipolar tenancies and needs to be checked out. But when? When is it not "a typical four year old" and becomes a "mental health issue?" I don't want to medicate a four year old (or 5, 6, 7, etc) She's a wonderfully caring older sister who loves playing with her baby sister and doing things for her. Her heart is so large and so all-encompassing that there are days I wish I could be more like her. She can spell her own name and many other words, she can write her own name, she can count upwards of 100 and she has so many other wonderful skills. In the fall, she'll start Pre-K which is five days a week - half day. She's so darn excited for it, but my baby is growing up.
Hope:
Is no longer my baby. She's getting so big. First of all, she's mobile - and fast. She can crawl faster than I can get anywhere and she's ready to stand. She pulls herself up on everything. She also is the best blower of "raspberries" that I've ever seen; you know mealtime is over when you become splattered in whatever color you were feeding her. In addition, she's learned how to clap and how to wave "bye-bye." Every day she learns something new that makes her a bigger and smarter girl...my baby is growing up.
So, in short...my babies are both growing up. I've tried really hard to enjoy the summer with them. It's been exasperating, exhausting, and totally awesome. Two more weeks remain, and I hope to have more wonderful experiences with my buddies.
When you're trying to conceive or are pregnant, time can be simply interminable. It drags on to the point where you feel you're about to burst.
Time with children goes by in the blink of an eye.
It honestly seems unfair that time reacts this way.
My beautiful girls are growing every single day and fill me with so much love and happiness (and exasperation and frustration).
Katie:
Is giving us a wonderful preview of what the teenage years will look like - minus the hormones. She definitely has a mind of her own and is too smart for her own good. She can say things that will make you giggle ("Those aren't dwarves, they're childrens") and make you ache ("You are making my heart break!") It's still too early to say how much of what she says that she actually understands, but I'm starting to get the feeling that she definitely has bipolar tenancies and needs to be checked out. But when? When is it not "a typical four year old" and becomes a "mental health issue?" I don't want to medicate a four year old (or 5, 6, 7, etc) She's a wonderfully caring older sister who loves playing with her baby sister and doing things for her. Her heart is so large and so all-encompassing that there are days I wish I could be more like her. She can spell her own name and many other words, she can write her own name, she can count upwards of 100 and she has so many other wonderful skills. In the fall, she'll start Pre-K which is five days a week - half day. She's so darn excited for it, but my baby is growing up.
Hope:
Is no longer my baby. She's getting so big. First of all, she's mobile - and fast. She can crawl faster than I can get anywhere and she's ready to stand. She pulls herself up on everything. She also is the best blower of "raspberries" that I've ever seen; you know mealtime is over when you become splattered in whatever color you were feeding her. In addition, she's learned how to clap and how to wave "bye-bye." Every day she learns something new that makes her a bigger and smarter girl...my baby is growing up.
So, in short...my babies are both growing up. I've tried really hard to enjoy the summer with them. It's been exasperating, exhausting, and totally awesome. Two more weeks remain, and I hope to have more wonderful experiences with my buddies.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Ewwww....
I'm pretty sure I have just sworn off fatty foods and crap foods for a long time (or a few days - whichever comes first)....
My journey to weight loss continues. I am down to 210 pounds. I wanted to be below 200 by the time the semester started, but unless something massively jumpstarts here, I think that I'm going to still be above. I have lost five actual pounds this summer, so that's good.
But here's the grossness...
The fat areas are now trying to find places to survive on my body. I can see areas that are more toned, but then there are areas that still have fat and extra skin. Well, while jogging with my Wii today, the entire time my butt made a massive slapping sound up and down.
Time to buy compression shorts...that was just too gross for words.
My journey to weight loss continues. I am down to 210 pounds. I wanted to be below 200 by the time the semester started, but unless something massively jumpstarts here, I think that I'm going to still be above. I have lost five actual pounds this summer, so that's good.
But here's the grossness...
The fat areas are now trying to find places to survive on my body. I can see areas that are more toned, but then there are areas that still have fat and extra skin. Well, while jogging with my Wii today, the entire time my butt made a massive slapping sound up and down.
Time to buy compression shorts...that was just too gross for words.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Blessings in the family
We were lucky enough to have an amazingly crazy weekend full of fun and surprises.
Friday night, we went to Superhero night at the Discovery Museum where Katie got to make capes and masks and go through the Bat Cave and a Superhero obstacle course. Watching all the dressed up children, and adults, was thoroughly entertaining.
On Saturday morning, we got to see Katie's last soccer game of the season (in extreme heat, however). She's not sure if she wants to continue with soccer in the fall, but she definitely enjoyed it this summer.
Following the game, we immediately hit the road to visit my family for my nephew's second birthday party. In addition, it gave me the opportunity to meet my newest nephew, Walter, who was born two weeks ago. His parents are looking tired, but happy. Walter has some crazy hair - even sideburns - but is a sweet little dude. My nephew Will had a wonderful birthday with great presents and all the people he loved. It was a delightful evening.
The next day, Brian and I had an opportunity to do something on our own. My parents always get us tickets to a Cardinals game for his birthday - typically Cards/Cubs if they can (being as I am a Cards fan and he is a Cubs fan), but the real bonus is that the seats are fourth row off the third base line. We are right behind the Cubs dugout. Thankfully, even though it was a 96 degree day, there wasn't a lot of humidity and there was a breeze...and a nice cool lounge for me to go into when I'd had enough baseball and heat.
We followed that up with a trip to Katie's favorite place - Alfonzo's - because there's a game room that is sensory overload for a kid. While there, my little brother and his girlfriend showed up and we were surprised to learn they got engaged that morning. They have been dating for six years, so we knew it was coming, but it was still a surprise. After enjoying a nice dinner, we put the girls to bed and joined by brother and his fiance for a celebratory drink and had a lovely evening.
And now, we are home and definitely relaxing. It's been a crazy busy weekend, but a lovely one.
Friday night, we went to Superhero night at the Discovery Museum where Katie got to make capes and masks and go through the Bat Cave and a Superhero obstacle course. Watching all the dressed up children, and adults, was thoroughly entertaining.
On Saturday morning, we got to see Katie's last soccer game of the season (in extreme heat, however). She's not sure if she wants to continue with soccer in the fall, but she definitely enjoyed it this summer.
Following the game, we immediately hit the road to visit my family for my nephew's second birthday party. In addition, it gave me the opportunity to meet my newest nephew, Walter, who was born two weeks ago. His parents are looking tired, but happy. Walter has some crazy hair - even sideburns - but is a sweet little dude. My nephew Will had a wonderful birthday with great presents and all the people he loved. It was a delightful evening.
The next day, Brian and I had an opportunity to do something on our own. My parents always get us tickets to a Cardinals game for his birthday - typically Cards/Cubs if they can (being as I am a Cards fan and he is a Cubs fan), but the real bonus is that the seats are fourth row off the third base line. We are right behind the Cubs dugout. Thankfully, even though it was a 96 degree day, there wasn't a lot of humidity and there was a breeze...and a nice cool lounge for me to go into when I'd had enough baseball and heat.
We followed that up with a trip to Katie's favorite place - Alfonzo's - because there's a game room that is sensory overload for a kid. While there, my little brother and his girlfriend showed up and we were surprised to learn they got engaged that morning. They have been dating for six years, so we knew it was coming, but it was still a surprise. After enjoying a nice dinner, we put the girls to bed and joined by brother and his fiance for a celebratory drink and had a lovely evening.
And now, we are home and definitely relaxing. It's been a crazy busy weekend, but a lovely one.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Learning, Growing, Changing....
So much has happened over the past year that I am only now beginning to process a lot of it - what it meant, why it happened, how it happened, and what I learned from it all.
* I learned that bed rest was probably a really good thing for me and my family. It made me settle down and process the coming changes and prepare mentally (although it was physically very uncomfortable). Katie had to learn how to play without me and to do a lot of things on her own. I honestly think this has made her adjustment to Hope so much easier because she felt more grown up and more of an independent person who understood that the baby needed more help. When I look at my little four year old and watch her dress herself, put her toys away, make her bed, put dishes away and get snacks and food, diapers and wipes - well, I don't know what I do without all of her help.
* I learned that you have to ask for help and you can't do it alone. When you do, you're stressed out and it just doesn't work. You become isolated and unhappy, but the guilt is so overpowering you can't find your way out. Again, this was another way bed rest helped a lot. I had to have everyone do everything for me. We had to ask others to help around the house and with Katie. We had to have a lot of help and we're not ones to ask...but we learned that we needed to.
* Which brings me to - remembering to still ask for help. At the start of the summer, we were still trying to do it all ourselves. And then my friend reminded me that she wanted to help and wanted to watch the girls. All of a sudden, we had an hour and a half a week to spend on our own enjoying playing softball and being active without having to worry about the girls. And the girls loved playing with my friend. It was a total win/win (BTW - we totally sucked this season but pulled out a win in our tournament game last night and ended up playing back to back games...it was hot...we had no extra females...and I am now very tired).
* I'd forgotten about taking the time for me. I stay up an hour later at night to read. That, alone, has been a lifesaver and a sanity saver. I got a new bike that I have been riding (until this most recent heat wave slammed us again), and I'm really looking forward to taking it out, both with and without the girls, in the fall. I've been jogging and playing softball. Today, in fact, I am so sore in my calves that "hobbling" would be a generous adjective to use. But I'm making me a better me. I need to remember to continue to take an hour for myself to be active so I'm happy.
* Playing at the pool is not a chore - it's fun. Watching the sheer joy on Hope's face as she sits and splashes in the water or watching Katie swim in her floaty suit and demonstrate her glides and bobs is amazing.
* Gummy smiles are beautiful. Gap toothed smiles are just as beautiful. Giggles and belly laughter are always amazing.
* Crawling makes life a bit more complicated. Two moving children, one of whom can't really listen or follow directions, is challenging. But it's so awesome to watch Hope crawl over to play with her sister...and to see her sister want to play with her.
* No matter whether it's MaMa, Mamma, Momma, Mommy, Mom, or Mother - it's the most beautiful word in the world.
* I have to admit to a bit of sadness...due to the complicated nature of pregnancy and pregnancy loss, I have had to leave the IComeLeaveWe community of bloggers. This was the first place that I found the love and support that I needed to continue on my own path. While I still want to remain connected to that community and still follow many blogs, I feel that posting my own blog is unfair and unfeeling....I will miss such a wonderful community of women.
* Work will be there. Tomorrow and the next day. Students will always continue everything an emergency. I'm the teacher; I can make exceptions, extensions or changes. It'll be there tomorrow.
* It does really take two people to handle two kids. All those thoughts I ever had about three now seem asinine. I don't know what I'd do without a partner - even if it's just someone to lean on at the end of the day and groan in exhaustion. We all need someone to lean on :)
When I look at all the blessings God has given me in my life, I cannot help but feel humbled. How did I deserve so many wonderful blessings and so many wonderful people in my life? My friends, my family, my community - everyone around me contributes to who I am and how I grow as a person. I can clearly see now how God created so much difficulty and pain in my life so that I could learn to grow as a person. I had to learn to be less selfish, less judgmental, more patient, and more loving. How can we ever deny that God is guiding our lives when the lessons become so very clear?
* I learned that bed rest was probably a really good thing for me and my family. It made me settle down and process the coming changes and prepare mentally (although it was physically very uncomfortable). Katie had to learn how to play without me and to do a lot of things on her own. I honestly think this has made her adjustment to Hope so much easier because she felt more grown up and more of an independent person who understood that the baby needed more help. When I look at my little four year old and watch her dress herself, put her toys away, make her bed, put dishes away and get snacks and food, diapers and wipes - well, I don't know what I do without all of her help.
* I learned that you have to ask for help and you can't do it alone. When you do, you're stressed out and it just doesn't work. You become isolated and unhappy, but the guilt is so overpowering you can't find your way out. Again, this was another way bed rest helped a lot. I had to have everyone do everything for me. We had to ask others to help around the house and with Katie. We had to have a lot of help and we're not ones to ask...but we learned that we needed to.
* Which brings me to - remembering to still ask for help. At the start of the summer, we were still trying to do it all ourselves. And then my friend reminded me that she wanted to help and wanted to watch the girls. All of a sudden, we had an hour and a half a week to spend on our own enjoying playing softball and being active without having to worry about the girls. And the girls loved playing with my friend. It was a total win/win (BTW - we totally sucked this season but pulled out a win in our tournament game last night and ended up playing back to back games...it was hot...we had no extra females...and I am now very tired).
* I'd forgotten about taking the time for me. I stay up an hour later at night to read. That, alone, has been a lifesaver and a sanity saver. I got a new bike that I have been riding (until this most recent heat wave slammed us again), and I'm really looking forward to taking it out, both with and without the girls, in the fall. I've been jogging and playing softball. Today, in fact, I am so sore in my calves that "hobbling" would be a generous adjective to use. But I'm making me a better me. I need to remember to continue to take an hour for myself to be active so I'm happy.
* Playing at the pool is not a chore - it's fun. Watching the sheer joy on Hope's face as she sits and splashes in the water or watching Katie swim in her floaty suit and demonstrate her glides and bobs is amazing.
* Gummy smiles are beautiful. Gap toothed smiles are just as beautiful. Giggles and belly laughter are always amazing.
* Crawling makes life a bit more complicated. Two moving children, one of whom can't really listen or follow directions, is challenging. But it's so awesome to watch Hope crawl over to play with her sister...and to see her sister want to play with her.
* No matter whether it's MaMa, Mamma, Momma, Mommy, Mom, or Mother - it's the most beautiful word in the world.
* I have to admit to a bit of sadness...due to the complicated nature of pregnancy and pregnancy loss, I have had to leave the IComeLeaveWe community of bloggers. This was the first place that I found the love and support that I needed to continue on my own path. While I still want to remain connected to that community and still follow many blogs, I feel that posting my own blog is unfair and unfeeling....I will miss such a wonderful community of women.
* Work will be there. Tomorrow and the next day. Students will always continue everything an emergency. I'm the teacher; I can make exceptions, extensions or changes. It'll be there tomorrow.
* It does really take two people to handle two kids. All those thoughts I ever had about three now seem asinine. I don't know what I'd do without a partner - even if it's just someone to lean on at the end of the day and groan in exhaustion. We all need someone to lean on :)
When I look at all the blessings God has given me in my life, I cannot help but feel humbled. How did I deserve so many wonderful blessings and so many wonderful people in my life? My friends, my family, my community - everyone around me contributes to who I am and how I grow as a person. I can clearly see now how God created so much difficulty and pain in my life so that I could learn to grow as a person. I had to learn to be less selfish, less judgmental, more patient, and more loving. How can we ever deny that God is guiding our lives when the lessons become so very clear?
Monday, July 16, 2012
Dead Silence
I know...it's been a while, but I've just been too busy doing life that I haven't had a chance to let you know what's going on.
Two babies have been born into my life. Both are amazing and special and will provide love and challenges in their own way. We are both blessed and amazed at what God provides us, and we wonder how God expects us to handle the challenges that come with some of His blessings. But I know He will provide and that everything DOES happen for a reason.
I am working out like a fiend to try to make a difference in myself for the new semester. Since I'm incredibly bad at taking time for myself or doing anything for myself (it always results in amazing guilt for me), I'm trying to do this for myself. While it may just be my bike, my Wii, and my walking abilities, I'm doing what I can to be a healthier, happier me.
In short - it's been a busy and blessed summer.
Two babies have been born into my life. Both are amazing and special and will provide love and challenges in their own way. We are both blessed and amazed at what God provides us, and we wonder how God expects us to handle the challenges that come with some of His blessings. But I know He will provide and that everything DOES happen for a reason.
I am working out like a fiend to try to make a difference in myself for the new semester. Since I'm incredibly bad at taking time for myself or doing anything for myself (it always results in amazing guilt for me), I'm trying to do this for myself. While it may just be my bike, my Wii, and my walking abilities, I'm doing what I can to be a healthier, happier me.
In short - it's been a busy and blessed summer.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
A Bit Frustrated
In the big picture - absolutely everything is wonderful. But I'm a bit frustrated and this is my venting place.
I have done an EXCELLENT job of becoming more active and working on what I eat...but summer has been harder. Being home with the kids all day, I'm not on the regimented schedule I was with work. I find myself eating my stress and feelings. And while I'm trying to make better choices as I eat my feelings, it's still not the best situation.
In good news, I'm down to an XL or even L on tops (I had a BALL shopping for comfy clothes at Old Navy and being able to buy XL - which were big and roomy!). I bought L bottoms and XL bottoms and mostly 16's - again, still a really good step from being at a 22 not all that long ago.
My weight is a bit frustrating. I finally mustered up the courage to check ye olde scale yesterday and found myself at 213.5. If you'll remember, I was at 214 when we last spoke weeks ago.
I know it's just a number. I know that I'm jogging now and doing more step aerobics and boxing (on my Wii) and I'm now biking with the girls in the trailer. I know I'm on the right track.
BUT
It sucks to see a half pound loss in weeks and weeks.
Not that I'm giving up. I'm on the right track and, believe it or not, I actually AM big boned. I know that most people say that is a myth, but I've had not one, but seven doctors say that to me (in general conversation - I've never asked). Apparently, thanks to my stocky German heritage, awesome calcium intake, and inability to break bones (never broken anything on accident - only broken bones were intentional during surgery) means that I have huge and dense bones. A good thing overall.
But I still wish the scale was nicer to me.
I have done an EXCELLENT job of becoming more active and working on what I eat...but summer has been harder. Being home with the kids all day, I'm not on the regimented schedule I was with work. I find myself eating my stress and feelings. And while I'm trying to make better choices as I eat my feelings, it's still not the best situation.
In good news, I'm down to an XL or even L on tops (I had a BALL shopping for comfy clothes at Old Navy and being able to buy XL - which were big and roomy!). I bought L bottoms and XL bottoms and mostly 16's - again, still a really good step from being at a 22 not all that long ago.
My weight is a bit frustrating. I finally mustered up the courage to check ye olde scale yesterday and found myself at 213.5. If you'll remember, I was at 214 when we last spoke weeks ago.
I know it's just a number. I know that I'm jogging now and doing more step aerobics and boxing (on my Wii) and I'm now biking with the girls in the trailer. I know I'm on the right track.
BUT
It sucks to see a half pound loss in weeks and weeks.
Not that I'm giving up. I'm on the right track and, believe it or not, I actually AM big boned. I know that most people say that is a myth, but I've had not one, but seven doctors say that to me (in general conversation - I've never asked). Apparently, thanks to my stocky German heritage, awesome calcium intake, and inability to break bones (never broken anything on accident - only broken bones were intentional during surgery) means that I have huge and dense bones. A good thing overall.
But I still wish the scale was nicer to me.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Updates on Katie and Hope
Let's start with the good stuff...
Hope, like most babies, has abs like you would not believe. She can bend in half. She can suck on her toes. She can do downward dog and plank position and cobra like you wouldn't believe. Right now, she's mobile, but not always consistent. Sometimes it's backward; sometimes a forward army crawl; sometimes rolling - but she is mobile. And VERY happy about it.
Now, with Katie...it's been a tragic week.
During the summer, we go to the pool every day - unless weather really doesn't permit. There are fun activities, people to play with, it's cool - all around a good situation.
Well, on the restroom door, there's a sign about "Tommy" the CPR doll. It tells you that if you ever see this child, Tommy, on the floor of the pool to leave it alone. It's all about training the lifeguards and making them aware.
I've never encountered Tommy before, but think it's a good idea. Unfortunately, the 18-20 year old manager did not really approach it the best way. He's a good guy - I usually like him, but he's young and doesn't understand.
He walked around all three pools several times having "Tommy" wave and say hi to the lifeguards. It was all joking and silly and cute. But then...Tommy went down the waterslide. Air horns blew. Whistles blew. Lifeguards came running from all directions.
Tommy was quickly rescued and given CPR.
Katie, however, has not recovered from seeing this.
She wanted to leave within the hour. I honestly didn't think anything about it because it was almost a hundred degrees and I figured she was hot and tired.
Swim lessons on Wednesday - all out screaming. Thursday - same. Friday - same.
Unfortunately, as we arrived at the school on Friday for swim lessons, the paramedics and fire trucks showed up to take out a little boy who had been injured at swim lessons.
In all, it's been a terrifying week - for Katie and Mommy. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach. But swimming is such an important skill to me - we will work through this. Slowly - throughout the summer.
But what a bummer.
Hope, like most babies, has abs like you would not believe. She can bend in half. She can suck on her toes. She can do downward dog and plank position and cobra like you wouldn't believe. Right now, she's mobile, but not always consistent. Sometimes it's backward; sometimes a forward army crawl; sometimes rolling - but she is mobile. And VERY happy about it.
Now, with Katie...it's been a tragic week.
During the summer, we go to the pool every day - unless weather really doesn't permit. There are fun activities, people to play with, it's cool - all around a good situation.
Well, on the restroom door, there's a sign about "Tommy" the CPR doll. It tells you that if you ever see this child, Tommy, on the floor of the pool to leave it alone. It's all about training the lifeguards and making them aware.
I've never encountered Tommy before, but think it's a good idea. Unfortunately, the 18-20 year old manager did not really approach it the best way. He's a good guy - I usually like him, but he's young and doesn't understand.
He walked around all three pools several times having "Tommy" wave and say hi to the lifeguards. It was all joking and silly and cute. But then...Tommy went down the waterslide. Air horns blew. Whistles blew. Lifeguards came running from all directions.
Tommy was quickly rescued and given CPR.
Katie, however, has not recovered from seeing this.
She wanted to leave within the hour. I honestly didn't think anything about it because it was almost a hundred degrees and I figured she was hot and tired.
Swim lessons on Wednesday - all out screaming. Thursday - same. Friday - same.
Unfortunately, as we arrived at the school on Friday for swim lessons, the paramedics and fire trucks showed up to take out a little boy who had been injured at swim lessons.
In all, it's been a terrifying week - for Katie and Mommy. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach. But swimming is such an important skill to me - we will work through this. Slowly - throughout the summer.
But what a bummer.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Counting My Blessings....
I suppose it's so much easier to be grateful and at peace in hindsight. In fact, from the future, everything seems so clear and so complete.
But I thank God that I am getting constant reminders of just how blessed I am and just how fortunate I am to have the family that I do.
I had a student stop by my office this week to see pictures of Hope. She is younger than I and ended up having to have a hysterectomy last semester due to problems with cysts and tumors. Now she is simply hopeful that they will one day be able to adopt.
Two of the blogs I follow lost their babies on the same day - at 16 and 18 weeks. My heart aches for them and the little ones they delivered far too soon.
I still read and keep up with many of the blogs in the Pregnancy Loss community and my heart aches for so many of them. And I wonder: how did I get so lucky? Why am I the one who was able to have not one, but two beautiful, healthy, perfect little girls? And I feel ashamed for being so upset when I only had one and couldn't successfully carry a second. I feel small and silly for complaining when I have so much more than so many others.
But I think that's why God puts the people into our life that He does. He wants us to remember and to think about our blessings and everything we've been given. And I'll tell you - even on the most exasperating and frustrating day, I force myself to remember that I begged for these children and that I adore them. And all of a sudden, nothing matters so terribly anymore. I hold a screaming child and know that it won't last forever. My four year old throws a fit and I bite my tongue because she's just so smart and wonderful.
I am blessed...beyond what I deserve...and I am so very very thankful.
But I thank God that I am getting constant reminders of just how blessed I am and just how fortunate I am to have the family that I do.
I had a student stop by my office this week to see pictures of Hope. She is younger than I and ended up having to have a hysterectomy last semester due to problems with cysts and tumors. Now she is simply hopeful that they will one day be able to adopt.
Two of the blogs I follow lost their babies on the same day - at 16 and 18 weeks. My heart aches for them and the little ones they delivered far too soon.
I still read and keep up with many of the blogs in the Pregnancy Loss community and my heart aches for so many of them. And I wonder: how did I get so lucky? Why am I the one who was able to have not one, but two beautiful, healthy, perfect little girls? And I feel ashamed for being so upset when I only had one and couldn't successfully carry a second. I feel small and silly for complaining when I have so much more than so many others.
But I think that's why God puts the people into our life that He does. He wants us to remember and to think about our blessings and everything we've been given. And I'll tell you - even on the most exasperating and frustrating day, I force myself to remember that I begged for these children and that I adore them. And all of a sudden, nothing matters so terribly anymore. I hold a screaming child and know that it won't last forever. My four year old throws a fit and I bite my tongue because she's just so smart and wonderful.
I am blessed...beyond what I deserve...and I am so very very thankful.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
When asking too many questions becomes dangerous
Subtitle: Lying to your empathetic child.
On the way home from the store today, we passed by a car that was on fire. In the next few moments, we also passed by police and fire trucks on their way to the car.
Usual questions commence: "Why did the fire truck come? Where is the fire station? How will they put the fire out? Will they get hurt? Why are the police going? Why do they need police and firemen? How did the fire start? Do you think anyone was hurt?" And on and on.....
Five minutes later, I look in my rear-view mirror and she's crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm very sad for those people because now they won't have a car anymore and they won't be able to go anywhere they need to go. Maybe they can't work or get groceries or pick up their kids."
"Oh honey, they'll be fine."
"No; I'm very sad."
And now, we lie. The car was very old, beat-up, and sad looking...it was in a poorer area of town. I have a feeling there is no new car coming for this person.
But that's not what you tell your child.
"Don't worry. They're going to go out and get a brand new car. Maybe something like your new mini-van. Remember how we gave them Daddy's car because it was old and didn't run well and we got this nice new car? They'll do that, too."
"But how will they get to the new car store?"
"I'm sure the nice police man will give them a ride."
"Oh good. I hope they pick out a nice mini-van just like ours."
It was a lie for the greater good, but it still made me a little sick to my stomach to say it.
On the way home from the store today, we passed by a car that was on fire. In the next few moments, we also passed by police and fire trucks on their way to the car.
Usual questions commence: "Why did the fire truck come? Where is the fire station? How will they put the fire out? Will they get hurt? Why are the police going? Why do they need police and firemen? How did the fire start? Do you think anyone was hurt?" And on and on.....
Five minutes later, I look in my rear-view mirror and she's crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm very sad for those people because now they won't have a car anymore and they won't be able to go anywhere they need to go. Maybe they can't work or get groceries or pick up their kids."
"Oh honey, they'll be fine."
"No; I'm very sad."
And now, we lie. The car was very old, beat-up, and sad looking...it was in a poorer area of town. I have a feeling there is no new car coming for this person.
But that's not what you tell your child.
"Don't worry. They're going to go out and get a brand new car. Maybe something like your new mini-van. Remember how we gave them Daddy's car because it was old and didn't run well and we got this nice new car? They'll do that, too."
"But how will they get to the new car store?"
"I'm sure the nice police man will give them a ride."
"Oh good. I hope they pick out a nice mini-van just like ours."
It was a lie for the greater good, but it still made me a little sick to my stomach to say it.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Competing Lives
In good news: I've been trying really hard to be more physically active and more healthy. I've got a bike that's in working order and I'm pulling Katie around in the trailer. I take the two of them walking daily and do about five miles (walking - let's be clear). On occasion, I am even able to meet Angie and do a lap or two around her one-mile lake trail. In addition, I've been "playing" softball - yes, that's in quotes because that's what my playing amounts to...on Tuesday nights.
In all, it's been really nice to be busy and active. My body, however, is less than pleased with me. I think I have some tendonitis going in each ankle (flex ankle up or down = pain), and I know that wearing Crocs for almost the entire year has not helped my flat feet (hello arch support bandages!). I have fallen arches from dancing. I'm going to say it here in case anybody out there was ever thinking about it: if you have a daughter who likes ballet - awesome! Let them do it! If they get to the point where they can go on "pointe" shoes, please have a talk with her. Yes, they are the coolest thing in the world and you feel like an amazing ballerina. But please please please talk with her about her plans.
I never intended to really be a ballerina, but I knew I'd need to dance for musical theatre. I was "en pointe" for two years and the damage will never be undone. I have fallen arches (when you are up on toe shoes, you overextend your arches to the point that they simply can't maintain a regular arch afterwards). I know that things are more "science-y" and sophisticated than when I was in ballet, but I used to have a chunk of lamb's wool (yup - just what it sounds like) between my toes and a wooden block in the toe of my shoes. Any time you are up on these things, you will have broken toenails, broken toes, and stressed ankles - no way around it! I now have hammertoes (had to have surgery just to be able to walk without pain) and many many other deformities.
I think ballet is wonderful and toe shoes are beautiful - IF you plan to be a dancer. If not, please do not subject your body to this...I don't even know what to call it...hazard? I know they want to dance in toe shoes and I know it's cute, but really - they don't know what the long term effects are. (And, I was in no way a "serious" dancer. I had lessons twice a week for two hours (more during recital) for two years - imagine what it would do if you did this longer).
In addition, I now have two C-sections and about nine weeks of bed rest under my belt. Normally, (ok, with Katie being born in the spring), I would have bounced back pretty quickly from both because the weather would be nice and I would be doing a lot of walking and other exercise on a daily basis. But with Hope's birth in November, that was not so easy to do. I had to spend more time on my (as Katie calls it) "booty bum" and that did not help. So I'm still trying to rehab the muscles that were lazy during bed rest in addition to the lost muscles (still numb and useless) from those C-sections.
In all, I'm very proud of what I'm doing and how I'm managing everything. I just hate to be the girl who shows up at softball with new braces on her ankles and feet every week - makes me feel like a drama queen. I'm just trying to get through the day so I can do it all again tomorrow :)
In any case - off to softball. Wish us luck. We usually get slaughtered :)
In all, it's been really nice to be busy and active. My body, however, is less than pleased with me. I think I have some tendonitis going in each ankle (flex ankle up or down = pain), and I know that wearing Crocs for almost the entire year has not helped my flat feet (hello arch support bandages!). I have fallen arches from dancing. I'm going to say it here in case anybody out there was ever thinking about it: if you have a daughter who likes ballet - awesome! Let them do it! If they get to the point where they can go on "pointe" shoes, please have a talk with her. Yes, they are the coolest thing in the world and you feel like an amazing ballerina. But please please please talk with her about her plans.
I never intended to really be a ballerina, but I knew I'd need to dance for musical theatre. I was "en pointe" for two years and the damage will never be undone. I have fallen arches (when you are up on toe shoes, you overextend your arches to the point that they simply can't maintain a regular arch afterwards). I know that things are more "science-y" and sophisticated than when I was in ballet, but I used to have a chunk of lamb's wool (yup - just what it sounds like) between my toes and a wooden block in the toe of my shoes. Any time you are up on these things, you will have broken toenails, broken toes, and stressed ankles - no way around it! I now have hammertoes (had to have surgery just to be able to walk without pain) and many many other deformities.
I think ballet is wonderful and toe shoes are beautiful - IF you plan to be a dancer. If not, please do not subject your body to this...I don't even know what to call it...hazard? I know they want to dance in toe shoes and I know it's cute, but really - they don't know what the long term effects are. (And, I was in no way a "serious" dancer. I had lessons twice a week for two hours (more during recital) for two years - imagine what it would do if you did this longer).
In addition, I now have two C-sections and about nine weeks of bed rest under my belt. Normally, (ok, with Katie being born in the spring), I would have bounced back pretty quickly from both because the weather would be nice and I would be doing a lot of walking and other exercise on a daily basis. But with Hope's birth in November, that was not so easy to do. I had to spend more time on my (as Katie calls it) "booty bum" and that did not help. So I'm still trying to rehab the muscles that were lazy during bed rest in addition to the lost muscles (still numb and useless) from those C-sections.
In all, I'm very proud of what I'm doing and how I'm managing everything. I just hate to be the girl who shows up at softball with new braces on her ankles and feet every week - makes me feel like a drama queen. I'm just trying to get through the day so I can do it all again tomorrow :)
In any case - off to softball. Wish us luck. We usually get slaughtered :)
Monday, June 11, 2012
Same Conversation: Two Lives
This made me chuckle, so I thought I'd share. I just realized that I've had almost the exact same conversation with two different friends, but since one of the friends has children and the other does not, the conversation was entirely different.
Instance #1: Imagine yourself in one of the circles of hell, otherwise known as Monkey Joe's in Peoria. It's a place to let your kids run wild and insane jumping on inflatable contraptions. There's always too few workers, too many unsupervised children, and really disgusting bathrooms. But - especially in the winter - it's a godsend for those of us looking to run the kids ragged.
Friend: We should have one of these in Bloomington.
Me: I know. That would be so much nicer than having to drive all the way over here.
Friend: You know, think about the old K's Merchandise building. That would be an awesome space for it.
Instance #2: Walking around the lake chatting about random things that pop into our heads while trying not to strangle my four-year old daughter who is being a royal pain in the wazoo. My friend with furry children and I start talking food.
Me: I really wish we had a Trader Joe's...or even a Whole Foods. I mean, we're certainly yuppie enough to support them.
Friend: That would be so nice. You know, the old K's Merchandise building would be a perfect space.
So - if you're interested in franchising a business, I have options for you :) I had to laugh when I realized I'd just had the same conversation about the same space, but for two completely different reasons. Sometimes, I feel as though I live in parallel worlds :)
Instance #1: Imagine yourself in one of the circles of hell, otherwise known as Monkey Joe's in Peoria. It's a place to let your kids run wild and insane jumping on inflatable contraptions. There's always too few workers, too many unsupervised children, and really disgusting bathrooms. But - especially in the winter - it's a godsend for those of us looking to run the kids ragged.
Friend: We should have one of these in Bloomington.
Me: I know. That would be so much nicer than having to drive all the way over here.
Friend: You know, think about the old K's Merchandise building. That would be an awesome space for it.
Instance #2: Walking around the lake chatting about random things that pop into our heads while trying not to strangle my four-year old daughter who is being a royal pain in the wazoo. My friend with furry children and I start talking food.
Me: I really wish we had a Trader Joe's...or even a Whole Foods. I mean, we're certainly yuppie enough to support them.
Friend: That would be so nice. You know, the old K's Merchandise building would be a perfect space.
So - if you're interested in franchising a business, I have options for you :) I had to laugh when I realized I'd just had the same conversation about the same space, but for two completely different reasons. Sometimes, I feel as though I live in parallel worlds :)
Sunday, June 10, 2012
P.S. I Love You - yes, You!
Over the past week, I've been watching posts on Facebook and reading posts on other people's blogs and I just want to say something...
If you're having family problems and feeling stressed and in the middle of it all - I love you.
If you're stressing over your new job and taking a test - I love you.
If you're newly pregnant and scared - I love you.
If your fertility treatments did not work as you planned - I love you.
If you have a small child who is driving you up the wall - I love you.
If you are stressed out over work and family - I love you.
If you feel alone or scared or sad or frustrated - I love you.
I haven't even come close to covering all I've seen and read and I don't want to offer you any responses that are helpful but don't demonstrate your particular situation. "I'm sorry," and "That's unfair," or "It's not your fault," or any of the other number of responses I could send you seem inadequate.
So I just want you to know that I love you. For being you. For living your life and being the person and friend you are. And nothing will change that.
If you're having family problems and feeling stressed and in the middle of it all - I love you.
If you're stressing over your new job and taking a test - I love you.
If you're newly pregnant and scared - I love you.
If your fertility treatments did not work as you planned - I love you.
If you have a small child who is driving you up the wall - I love you.
If you are stressed out over work and family - I love you.
If you feel alone or scared or sad or frustrated - I love you.
I haven't even come close to covering all I've seen and read and I don't want to offer you any responses that are helpful but don't demonstrate your particular situation. "I'm sorry," and "That's unfair," or "It's not your fault," or any of the other number of responses I could send you seem inadequate.
So I just want you to know that I love you. For being you. For living your life and being the person and friend you are. And nothing will change that.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Postscript:
Hope is trying her darndest to crawl and it is so cute I could melt. She gets herself up on her arms in (as Jan would say) cobra pose and just shakes her legs and feet in frustration. She knows she needs to move but just can't figure out how.
It's going to get really interesting really soon when she's super mobile (of course, she already manages to get wherever she wants to by scooting backwards or rolling...but something tells me she will be a super-fast crawler).
And - she has figured out how to hold her bottle. She takes it out of her mouth and puts it back in about a million times during a feeding. Ok - it makes a meal take eight times longer than it normally would, but right now it's pretty cute to watch her face as she realizes that she has control over her food.
Missing my Katie too :) It's so quiet without the 300 million questions she asks a day. Breaks are good. They help us appreciate what we have.
It's going to get really interesting really soon when she's super mobile (of course, she already manages to get wherever she wants to by scooting backwards or rolling...but something tells me she will be a super-fast crawler).
And - she has figured out how to hold her bottle. She takes it out of her mouth and puts it back in about a million times during a feeding. Ok - it makes a meal take eight times longer than it normally would, but right now it's pretty cute to watch her face as she realizes that she has control over her food.
Missing my Katie too :) It's so quiet without the 300 million questions she asks a day. Breaks are good. They help us appreciate what we have.
Not gonna lie...
I hate to always be rainbows and unicorns. Some days it's really hard and it's really stressful. I think positive is wonderful, but I feel a major obligation to also be REAL.
I will say that there is a major pro and a con to this week.
The con is that I'm trying to work with three writing classes that all started this week. Unfortunately, with an 8 week course, there is no way to stagger assignments. In other words, when one proposal comes in, they all do. When one draft comes in, so do 75 others. Ditto with final papers. That's a lot of work.
The pro, and I honestly hate to say this, is that Katie is on vacation with her Nana and Papaw until tomorrow at 5:00 (when she has to take her swim test). I forgot how lovely and boring it was to have only one child to watch...one beautiful, malleable child that will do whatever you want (and if you think I'm lying - go for two and see what you think is easier :)
I miss Katie...but it's getting very hard to do work and watch the girls. The problem is that, at my school, everything you make in the summer is "extra" - and boy do we need extra. However...well...I'm trying to be diplomatic....Daddy isn't so great at the "watching the girls on his own thing."
Case in point: I had a meeting online with a student last night at 8:30pm via Skype. Ten minutes in, Hope is screaming bloody murder. That screaming does not stop until an hour later...primarily because she was left in her swing to "cry it out." Partly because she does get pissy at night (it's partly her fault).
Brian wants me to take these classes and earn extra money, but my work hours are not 8-4. I need time outside of that to grade or respond or chat. And as much as he "says" he's ok with that, his actions never play out the same way.
So, I guess that's a long way of saying, I'm frustrated with my husband. This happens...I know. I'm hoping that tonight, Hope will go to our favorite sitter (Angie), and we can start trying to work it out. Brian is excellent at saying what will happen (go upstairs or out to work - do whatever you need to get your work done)...but having a Skype conversation with a screaming child in the background is pretty impossible.
We'll figure it out.
I wish I was on vacation...like Katie :)
I will say that there is a major pro and a con to this week.
The con is that I'm trying to work with three writing classes that all started this week. Unfortunately, with an 8 week course, there is no way to stagger assignments. In other words, when one proposal comes in, they all do. When one draft comes in, so do 75 others. Ditto with final papers. That's a lot of work.
The pro, and I honestly hate to say this, is that Katie is on vacation with her Nana and Papaw until tomorrow at 5:00 (when she has to take her swim test). I forgot how lovely and boring it was to have only one child to watch...one beautiful, malleable child that will do whatever you want (and if you think I'm lying - go for two and see what you think is easier :)
I miss Katie...but it's getting very hard to do work and watch the girls. The problem is that, at my school, everything you make in the summer is "extra" - and boy do we need extra. However...well...I'm trying to be diplomatic....Daddy isn't so great at the "watching the girls on his own thing."
Case in point: I had a meeting online with a student last night at 8:30pm via Skype. Ten minutes in, Hope is screaming bloody murder. That screaming does not stop until an hour later...primarily because she was left in her swing to "cry it out." Partly because she does get pissy at night (it's partly her fault).
Brian wants me to take these classes and earn extra money, but my work hours are not 8-4. I need time outside of that to grade or respond or chat. And as much as he "says" he's ok with that, his actions never play out the same way.
So, I guess that's a long way of saying, I'm frustrated with my husband. This happens...I know. I'm hoping that tonight, Hope will go to our favorite sitter (Angie), and we can start trying to work it out. Brian is excellent at saying what will happen (go upstairs or out to work - do whatever you need to get your work done)...but having a Skype conversation with a screaming child in the background is pretty impossible.
We'll figure it out.
I wish I was on vacation...like Katie :)
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
A perfectly lovely day!
A big congrats to my friend who just welcomed her baby girl into the world! I am so excited and thrilled for her that I can barely stand it myself :) Now I have to wait until I can meet her...which I will not do patiently.
In any case, Katie, Hope, and I went to the Sprinkler park this morning. It was very nice and just the right amount of unsupervised children. Thankfully, not annoying and not too hot. Katie had a great time and Hope loved rolling around on the ground.
In less lovely news, Hope also decided to wake up at 3am to eat. I'm going to pray this is not a new thing that we're doing - snacking in the middle of the night. That would be unpleasant. Thanks to that little wake up, we are all going to try to take a nap now - I had a very hard time getting back to sleep after that little wake up call.
In any case, Katie, Hope, and I went to the Sprinkler park this morning. It was very nice and just the right amount of unsupervised children. Thankfully, not annoying and not too hot. Katie had a great time and Hope loved rolling around on the ground.
In less lovely news, Hope also decided to wake up at 3am to eat. I'm going to pray this is not a new thing that we're doing - snacking in the middle of the night. That would be unpleasant. Thanks to that little wake up, we are all going to try to take a nap now - I had a very hard time getting back to sleep after that little wake up call.
Monday, June 4, 2012
No. I'm not.
No. Just no. I know I'm a few weeks off, but it's taken me a while to formulate my less than articulate response.While this may be the unwritten rule of a "good mother," I am going to loudly protest that it is not.
Some of us simply CANNOT breast feed. I'm not even going to get into whether we want to or not - that's a side issue. No one...and I mean, no one...can hold this up as the standard of motherhood.
When I don't get up thirty times at night to comfort the sleepless, nightmare having, vomiting, feverish, coughing, upset child...talk to me.
When I don't provide nourishing baby food, formula, or bite-sized baby foods...talk to me.
When I don't give my child safe seating in the car and at the table, when I don't provide a bed or a roof over their heads, when I don't talk to them and read to them and play with them and come up with new and creative activities for them each and every day no matter how tired or fed up I am...
Talk to me then.
You lose, Time Magazine. Mothers are not defined by breasts and breast feeding and the sensationalizing of this topic was pure money in the bank for you.
Parent Win!!!
Do you know those times when you speak to someone else who has kids (or even those who don't) and say, "Parent Fail"? You know what I'm talking about...
When the couple ignores their screaming child in the nice restaurant.
When a small child wants to touch your baby and the parent isn't paying attention or caring.
When a child sits down at your table at Chuck E. Cheese and expects to be fed because "Mommy said we could only watch the games" (yup - this weekend).
There are the lesser ones, of course, that we call upon ourselves (because, clearly we would never ever commit a major parent fail, right? :)
When you see the pre-3 teacher opening Christmas gifts that include monogrammed Thirty-One bags or Monograms made of crayons.
Parent Fail.
When your child shows up with a stained face to an event where pictures are taken.
Parent Fail.
When you forget to put down the bar on the child carrier (or, as Janelle callled it, the "bar of death") as recommended when you drive.
Parent Fail.
Putting your child in the cart in the basket part because the little one is in the only space approved for children.
Parent Fail.
In other words, Parent Fail is way easy. You can do it dozens of times in a day and not blink.
However, I call today, Parent Win.
Neither child slept much last night. I'd say six hours max. They were up at 5 and raring to go.
I had fun activities for each (reading and playing with Hope, painting, cutting, tracing for Katie). I didn't lose my temper and I didn't lose my mind. Even when they didn't nap.
PARENT WIN!!!
When the couple ignores their screaming child in the nice restaurant.
When a small child wants to touch your baby and the parent isn't paying attention or caring.
When a child sits down at your table at Chuck E. Cheese and expects to be fed because "Mommy said we could only watch the games" (yup - this weekend).
There are the lesser ones, of course, that we call upon ourselves (because, clearly we would never ever commit a major parent fail, right? :)
When you see the pre-3 teacher opening Christmas gifts that include monogrammed Thirty-One bags or Monograms made of crayons.
Parent Fail.
When your child shows up with a stained face to an event where pictures are taken.
Parent Fail.
When you forget to put down the bar on the child carrier (or, as Janelle callled it, the "bar of death") as recommended when you drive.
Parent Fail.
Putting your child in the cart in the basket part because the little one is in the only space approved for children.
Parent Fail.
In other words, Parent Fail is way easy. You can do it dozens of times in a day and not blink.
However, I call today, Parent Win.
Neither child slept much last night. I'd say six hours max. They were up at 5 and raring to go.
I had fun activities for each (reading and playing with Hope, painting, cutting, tracing for Katie). I didn't lose my temper and I didn't lose my mind. Even when they didn't nap.
PARENT WIN!!!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
And now I'm a grown up
Somehow, having kids, getting a full-time job with tenure, buying a house - none of it made me feel as adult as I do now that we have bought a mini-van.
We traded in my husband's (barely-running) '01 Grand Prix and kept my Civic (so I don't blow all of our cash on the commute) and I love it. I love that we now have room for everything; for years, the Civic has been our "travel" car - try packing everything you need and traveling for hours in that all the time. Not so fun. In addition, not bending over to get the kids in and out, automatic side doors, back-up camera...it's sweet.
The sad secret I'm hiding...I've become that woman from the commercial a few years ago. Things start to get loud and out of control at home...I wander out and find comfort and solace in my mini-van. It's quiet. It's the cleanest thing we own. It's comfortable. It's still got that nice new car smell...it's like a little vacation or "quiet space."
I always thought that was the craziest commercial. Color me completely wrong :)
We traded in my husband's (barely-running) '01 Grand Prix and kept my Civic (so I don't blow all of our cash on the commute) and I love it. I love that we now have room for everything; for years, the Civic has been our "travel" car - try packing everything you need and traveling for hours in that all the time. Not so fun. In addition, not bending over to get the kids in and out, automatic side doors, back-up camera...it's sweet.
The sad secret I'm hiding...I've become that woman from the commercial a few years ago. Things start to get loud and out of control at home...I wander out and find comfort and solace in my mini-van. It's quiet. It's the cleanest thing we own. It's comfortable. It's still got that nice new car smell...it's like a little vacation or "quiet space."
I always thought that was the craziest commercial. Color me completely wrong :)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
They're Growing Up
So, I've been on a bit of a video kick right now because...let's face it...I think they're pretty darn cute and just want to share that cuteness with all of you. They're aren't all the most entertaining of videos, but they give you a good idea of what our days are looking like now :)
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Grateful and Exhausted :)
I feel I owe it to those of you who are still reading, and you've followed me this long, so this shouldn't be news to you, to give you the truth.
Life is still rainbows and happiness. I still stop and grin every time I hold or kiss one of my girls. Katie continues to make me laugh and Hope is a joy in so many many ways.
But it is hard.
Don't get me wrong - I didn't think it would be easy, but two kids is definitely more than one :) (and my math friends should be so pleased with me for figuring that out).
Unfortunately, we haven't started our summer "schedule" yet as our pool doesn't open until June, so the days are a bit random right now - and if you know kids, you know that some sort of schedule is definitely helpful. I assume things will get better when we can have a pretty close to standard schedule. But things have not been bad - they've just been really really tiring.
The funny thing about work is - it really is a break. It's a break from being mom or being with the kids, and as exhausting as it can be (or frustrating or elating), it is also a chance to just be yourself. When you stay home with the kids, that sort of doesn't exist anymore. I'm a bit nervous about the fact that I have three online courses this summer; balancing them and the kids may be tricky, but I can't say that we can't really use the money.
Hope and Katie are still an amazing pair. Katie loves to help with her and to play with her and it makes my life so much easier. I also can't stress enough how wonderful it is that Katie is pretty much (and really wants to be) self-sufficient. She wants to dress herself and take care of herself and asks for help only when she has to. It's both very helpful and sort of sad...I mean, it would be nice if she still needed me :) But Hope needs me enough for both of them. This is one spoiled little girl (and I mean that in a good way). We hold her and play with her so often that she gets very upset when left alone. We were very conscious with Katie to make sure she knew how to play on her own, but we worked so darn hard for Hope that we haven't been as good and conscious about it this time around. So, we've created our own monster - but she's a darn cute monster :) For now, it's not a problem, but there are times it would be nice to put her down and answer an email every now and then.
It's been unbelievably hot and that's been tricky as well. Hope is supposed to stay out of the sun as much as possible since she is so little, but Katie loves running about in the sun. I've been lucky enough to find places under trees for Hope and I to hang out so we can still watch Katie and help if necessary. The other balancing act comes with meals and naps. Katie still NEEDS a nap. This is not negotiable. I know she's getting to the age of outgrowing them, but she is not someone you want to hang out with if she doesn't rest. I can typically get her down in time for Hope to wake up and vice versa. Again - they're resting, so it's only one kid at a time, but I'm a bit tired. I still have that terrible insomnia at night, so naps are a saving grace for me. But...if they don't happen, I'll adjust. It's just different.
The other thing is that when Hope wants to eat, she wants to eat five minutes ago. You get no warning - just bloody murder screaming. This means I have to frantically run to prepare everything - and typically that's the time Katie wants to eat. Can't do both. I'm learning to prepare one ahead of time so that only one meal needs to be made at a time. Hey - I'll start to figure this out by August :)
Overall, things are going well. Katie will be playing soccer this summer and taking swim lessons. Brian and I are in a co-ed softball league on Tuesday nights that gives us some time to do something active (however, we have no sitters, so the kids come with us. Only one parent on the field at a time). I think that's the big issue - we just need to find some trustworthy sitters in the area so that every now and then we can go out for an hour or two. We are never not with the girls, and, as amazing as they are, marriages need work too. But again, I'm not worried. We'll figure it out. It's only been a couple of weeks.
Long story short - having the girls is ten times better than not. And even when we don't get sleep, or a break, or quiet time, it's still exactly what I want out of my life. Watching the two girls together is just the most precious time of my day and I am so thankful for it.
By the way - Hope has moved on to cereal and baby food at this point. She's doing quite well with it. She can sit up on her own, roll ALL over the floor (seriously - put her down in one room and she'll be in the other in moments), scoot backwards, and is trying out new sounds (Babababa and gagaga). Every day is a gift, and I make sure to remind myself of that fact as often as I can.
Life is still rainbows and happiness. I still stop and grin every time I hold or kiss one of my girls. Katie continues to make me laugh and Hope is a joy in so many many ways.
But it is hard.
Don't get me wrong - I didn't think it would be easy, but two kids is definitely more than one :) (and my math friends should be so pleased with me for figuring that out).
Unfortunately, we haven't started our summer "schedule" yet as our pool doesn't open until June, so the days are a bit random right now - and if you know kids, you know that some sort of schedule is definitely helpful. I assume things will get better when we can have a pretty close to standard schedule. But things have not been bad - they've just been really really tiring.
The funny thing about work is - it really is a break. It's a break from being mom or being with the kids, and as exhausting as it can be (or frustrating or elating), it is also a chance to just be yourself. When you stay home with the kids, that sort of doesn't exist anymore. I'm a bit nervous about the fact that I have three online courses this summer; balancing them and the kids may be tricky, but I can't say that we can't really use the money.
Hope and Katie are still an amazing pair. Katie loves to help with her and to play with her and it makes my life so much easier. I also can't stress enough how wonderful it is that Katie is pretty much (and really wants to be) self-sufficient. She wants to dress herself and take care of herself and asks for help only when she has to. It's both very helpful and sort of sad...I mean, it would be nice if she still needed me :) But Hope needs me enough for both of them. This is one spoiled little girl (and I mean that in a good way). We hold her and play with her so often that she gets very upset when left alone. We were very conscious with Katie to make sure she knew how to play on her own, but we worked so darn hard for Hope that we haven't been as good and conscious about it this time around. So, we've created our own monster - but she's a darn cute monster :) For now, it's not a problem, but there are times it would be nice to put her down and answer an email every now and then.
It's been unbelievably hot and that's been tricky as well. Hope is supposed to stay out of the sun as much as possible since she is so little, but Katie loves running about in the sun. I've been lucky enough to find places under trees for Hope and I to hang out so we can still watch Katie and help if necessary. The other balancing act comes with meals and naps. Katie still NEEDS a nap. This is not negotiable. I know she's getting to the age of outgrowing them, but she is not someone you want to hang out with if she doesn't rest. I can typically get her down in time for Hope to wake up and vice versa. Again - they're resting, so it's only one kid at a time, but I'm a bit tired. I still have that terrible insomnia at night, so naps are a saving grace for me. But...if they don't happen, I'll adjust. It's just different.
The other thing is that when Hope wants to eat, she wants to eat five minutes ago. You get no warning - just bloody murder screaming. This means I have to frantically run to prepare everything - and typically that's the time Katie wants to eat. Can't do both. I'm learning to prepare one ahead of time so that only one meal needs to be made at a time. Hey - I'll start to figure this out by August :)
Overall, things are going well. Katie will be playing soccer this summer and taking swim lessons. Brian and I are in a co-ed softball league on Tuesday nights that gives us some time to do something active (however, we have no sitters, so the kids come with us. Only one parent on the field at a time). I think that's the big issue - we just need to find some trustworthy sitters in the area so that every now and then we can go out for an hour or two. We are never not with the girls, and, as amazing as they are, marriages need work too. But again, I'm not worried. We'll figure it out. It's only been a couple of weeks.
Long story short - having the girls is ten times better than not. And even when we don't get sleep, or a break, or quiet time, it's still exactly what I want out of my life. Watching the two girls together is just the most precious time of my day and I am so thankful for it.
By the way - Hope has moved on to cereal and baby food at this point. She's doing quite well with it. She can sit up on her own, roll ALL over the floor (seriously - put her down in one room and she'll be in the other in moments), scoot backwards, and is trying out new sounds (Babababa and gagaga). Every day is a gift, and I make sure to remind myself of that fact as often as I can.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Off the radar
So - we went down to visit my folks (and a really good friend with her adorable baby!) this past (extended) weekend, which was simultaneously nice and stressful.
It's always hard, I find, to visit my parents with my girls. They are always watching and, to an extent, judging. I know they don't mean to or to do it in a bad way (they only want to help, and I've reached the point in my life where I realize that while it may be dated, there is a LOT of wisdom in experience), but it's stressful. When they don't act like they should or like I know they can, it upsets me because it feels like a reflection of my parenting skills. But, overall, it is very nice to be there.
When we're there, I don't check my phone or email or computer and it's such a nice, and weird, feeling. I've been working on trying to catch up with everyone's posts (both on Facebook and their blogs) and I've found that I'm pretty far behind all of you :) I'll catch up.
Hope had her six month appointment today. Everything is developing normally and going as it should. She is 26 and a quarter inches long (65th percentile) and 15lbs 4oz (34th percentile). Again - tall and skinny. This should be no surprise at this point. She did have to get three different shots for her vaccinations today and it was so much harder to see Katie than Hope. Katie started crying and asked to leave the room. The nurse and I tried to calm her down, but it was just so heartbreaking to see how she reacted to her sister's pain. Especially considering she had her 4 year checkup last Tuesday and took her own vaccination with no tears or reaction at all. She couldn't stand seeing them stick her sister or hear her sister cry. It was lovely (in a weird way).
She was also an amazing big sister on the drive back. Brian didn't go with us, so I was on my own with the girls. Hope spent almost the entire car ride today leaning forward in her car seat to look at Katie and grin at her. Katie kept telling her stories, making her giggle, and (most importantly) let Hope chew on her fingers (we may be teething :) She just thought it was so cute and fun - and when Hope got upset, she fed her in the backseat.
I'm so lucky to have a four year old who wants to help and who loves her little sister so much. I can't say that I was ever that enthralled with my little brother(s), but the bond between the two of them is absolutely amazing. Hope looks at Katie with such love in her eyes and Katie returns it. They are a perfect (and trouble-making) little duo :) I'm so proud of my girls.
It's always hard, I find, to visit my parents with my girls. They are always watching and, to an extent, judging. I know they don't mean to or to do it in a bad way (they only want to help, and I've reached the point in my life where I realize that while it may be dated, there is a LOT of wisdom in experience), but it's stressful. When they don't act like they should or like I know they can, it upsets me because it feels like a reflection of my parenting skills. But, overall, it is very nice to be there.
When we're there, I don't check my phone or email or computer and it's such a nice, and weird, feeling. I've been working on trying to catch up with everyone's posts (both on Facebook and their blogs) and I've found that I'm pretty far behind all of you :) I'll catch up.
Hope had her six month appointment today. Everything is developing normally and going as it should. She is 26 and a quarter inches long (65th percentile) and 15lbs 4oz (34th percentile). Again - tall and skinny. This should be no surprise at this point. She did have to get three different shots for her vaccinations today and it was so much harder to see Katie than Hope. Katie started crying and asked to leave the room. The nurse and I tried to calm her down, but it was just so heartbreaking to see how she reacted to her sister's pain. Especially considering she had her 4 year checkup last Tuesday and took her own vaccination with no tears or reaction at all. She couldn't stand seeing them stick her sister or hear her sister cry. It was lovely (in a weird way).
She was also an amazing big sister on the drive back. Brian didn't go with us, so I was on my own with the girls. Hope spent almost the entire car ride today leaning forward in her car seat to look at Katie and grin at her. Katie kept telling her stories, making her giggle, and (most importantly) let Hope chew on her fingers (we may be teething :) She just thought it was so cute and fun - and when Hope got upset, she fed her in the backseat.
I'm so lucky to have a four year old who wants to help and who loves her little sister so much. I can't say that I was ever that enthralled with my little brother(s), but the bond between the two of them is absolutely amazing. Hope looks at Katie with such love in her eyes and Katie returns it. They are a perfect (and trouble-making) little duo :) I'm so proud of my girls.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The best and worst of my job
Of course, any administrative duties shoved onto me are highly unwelcome. I did my time as teaching chair and only found out what I had already suspected - I don't do well in administration. I don't want to deal with petty problems, observations, curriculum and the other crap that goes with those kinds of jobs. Unfortunately, that little PhD at the end of my title makes the higher ups at my school keep trying to entice me into those roles. Nope - not gonna happen.
I went to the community college to teach. Not to administrate. And I personally think it's awesome that I work in a department where so many of the developmental faculty have PhD's (or are working on them) - shows who we think are important in the school.
In any case, the end of the semester always brings out both the best and the worst in the part of my job that is most important: the students. This is the time of year where they fail or pass - despite my best efforts. I can't do the work for them or inflate their grades; they have to earn that A, B, or C. But I have always believed in something our VP said my first year at the school: Nobody rises to low expectations. I have very high expectations, but a low penalty environment - my students have a minimum of 3 chances at every major paper, which are 70% of their grade. Those who take advantage will earn the grade they want, but I do require effort and true learning.
And then there are the sob stories. Somebody died. Somebody lost a job. Somebody lost a baby. Now they're unemployed with six kids. They lost their house. The bus raised its prices and they can't afford the pass. The car broke down and they're in collection on their credit card debt. While there are problems at the four year, I've never heard stories like the ones my students tell me almost daily. And sadly, most of them are true...many of these students have such large problems to deal with, it's overwhelming.
There are amazing students who work so hard and strive for perfection no matter the cost. Sure, it can be annoying to receive the twentieth email in a day from one student, but I can never fault someone for wanting to be clear and do the best s/he can possibly do. Then there are those who never contact the instructor and simply disappear. I try and try to contact or reach them and they just fade away and I never do. There are those with perfect attendance who never turn in work and expect to pass - and vice versa - those who do all the work but never come to class.
Even the most obnoxious or lazy of these students is still a student that I care about and want to succeed. I sound like the dude from Dead Poet's Society here, but if they're in my class, I want nothing more than to inspire critical thinking and curiosity in them. Curiosity is the keystone to lifelong learning, and all I want is for them to want to learn. Then they can do the rest.
I sound like a sappy hallmark card; I sat down with a student twice this semester and told him how bright and smart and insightful he is, but he just doesn't do the work or stay organized (so he forgets things at home and loses points). But did he listen? I wanted him to. I want him to know how amazingly brilliant he is and will be in his classes - if he does the work. But maybe he'll just continue on as he has.
I guess what frustrates me is that I was one of those students. I'm not going to blow my own horn here and say I'm brilliant - I'm not. But school always came pretty easily to me and I loved to read and write. Not a problem. Then I got to college and I was a terrible student. I didn't pay attention in class; I didn't even go to class. I was snotty and a know-it-all. I would attend five classes out of a semester and then beg for extra credit because I was failing. I would expect teachers to meet with me in office hours to catch me up when I overslept. I was the quintessential horrible student.
I've also been on the other end and worked as a T.A for teachers with very high expectations - don't meet one requirement of the assignment = automatic fail. Don't follow instructions = fail. Absent = fail.
All I really want is to prepare these students so they don't do what I did. I've been on both sides. I've seen the classroom from the seat and from the board. Unfortunately, it took me four years of almost mediocre undergraduate work and a year in corporate America to realize just how valuable education is. I'd love to save these students the time and help them succeed now - the first time.
But I don't know that I would have. I don't know that I would have behaved any differently no matter who taught me or what I learned. Perhaps it's simply age and experience that give us this perspective...but I still hate the sob stories. I wish that for every ten sad emails I got, I would get just one that tells me they had a good day or a good class (any class!).
That said, I cried (literally) to receive such a sweet message from a student:
I went to the community college to teach. Not to administrate. And I personally think it's awesome that I work in a department where so many of the developmental faculty have PhD's (or are working on them) - shows who we think are important in the school.
In any case, the end of the semester always brings out both the best and the worst in the part of my job that is most important: the students. This is the time of year where they fail or pass - despite my best efforts. I can't do the work for them or inflate their grades; they have to earn that A, B, or C. But I have always believed in something our VP said my first year at the school: Nobody rises to low expectations. I have very high expectations, but a low penalty environment - my students have a minimum of 3 chances at every major paper, which are 70% of their grade. Those who take advantage will earn the grade they want, but I do require effort and true learning.
And then there are the sob stories. Somebody died. Somebody lost a job. Somebody lost a baby. Now they're unemployed with six kids. They lost their house. The bus raised its prices and they can't afford the pass. The car broke down and they're in collection on their credit card debt. While there are problems at the four year, I've never heard stories like the ones my students tell me almost daily. And sadly, most of them are true...many of these students have such large problems to deal with, it's overwhelming.
There are amazing students who work so hard and strive for perfection no matter the cost. Sure, it can be annoying to receive the twentieth email in a day from one student, but I can never fault someone for wanting to be clear and do the best s/he can possibly do. Then there are those who never contact the instructor and simply disappear. I try and try to contact or reach them and they just fade away and I never do. There are those with perfect attendance who never turn in work and expect to pass - and vice versa - those who do all the work but never come to class.
Even the most obnoxious or lazy of these students is still a student that I care about and want to succeed. I sound like the dude from Dead Poet's Society here, but if they're in my class, I want nothing more than to inspire critical thinking and curiosity in them. Curiosity is the keystone to lifelong learning, and all I want is for them to want to learn. Then they can do the rest.
I sound like a sappy hallmark card; I sat down with a student twice this semester and told him how bright and smart and insightful he is, but he just doesn't do the work or stay organized (so he forgets things at home and loses points). But did he listen? I wanted him to. I want him to know how amazingly brilliant he is and will be in his classes - if he does the work. But maybe he'll just continue on as he has.
I guess what frustrates me is that I was one of those students. I'm not going to blow my own horn here and say I'm brilliant - I'm not. But school always came pretty easily to me and I loved to read and write. Not a problem. Then I got to college and I was a terrible student. I didn't pay attention in class; I didn't even go to class. I was snotty and a know-it-all. I would attend five classes out of a semester and then beg for extra credit because I was failing. I would expect teachers to meet with me in office hours to catch me up when I overslept. I was the quintessential horrible student.
I've also been on the other end and worked as a T.A for teachers with very high expectations - don't meet one requirement of the assignment = automatic fail. Don't follow instructions = fail. Absent = fail.
All I really want is to prepare these students so they don't do what I did. I've been on both sides. I've seen the classroom from the seat and from the board. Unfortunately, it took me four years of almost mediocre undergraduate work and a year in corporate America to realize just how valuable education is. I'd love to save these students the time and help them succeed now - the first time.
But I don't know that I would have. I don't know that I would have behaved any differently no matter who taught me or what I learned. Perhaps it's simply age and experience that give us this perspective...but I still hate the sob stories. I wish that for every ten sad emails I got, I would get just one that tells me they had a good day or a good class (any class!).
That said, I cried (literally) to receive such a sweet message from a student:
Now that class is over I just wanted to send you a quick note about my experience with English 110.
I have taken the following classes on on-line over the last
couple years, Cmpsc 120, Acct 120 & 121, Bus 215, Econ 110 &
110, Hist 201, Film 110, and Thtre 110.
I
was very nervous about taking the placement test for English and Math
since it has been over 30 years since I have done either one. I finally
took the
placement test for English and then enrolled in your class. Looking
over your agenda almost made me drop the class until I could enroll into
a 16 week class.
Finally, I decided what the heck, go for it.
The class has been the most rewarding so far for me.
You as my instructor, I cannot express enough, what a differences you made.
I have never had an instructor answer email or discussion boards so quickly.
Your feedback on my papers was so helpful.
People in general, do not say the words thank you enough.
I just wanted to say thank you for a great English 110
experience. My work load over the summer is going to increase and will
keep me from enrolling in a class.
In the fall I have already enrolled in English111. I was sorry to see that you were not teaching English 111on-line.
Thanks again and have a GREAT summer!
Those few kind words make every day, every week, and every year so worth it!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I am an idiot...
Not in any bad way, mind you. Just your regular old run of the mill idiot.
I have decided that with every birthday you have....oh, let's say past 25...you should also be sent an instruction manual with what your body now can and cannot do. Or at least a large warning label. I mean, certain things are obvious - the older you get, the more a hangover will kick your butt. The older you get, the more simple chores like moving or gardening will cause your muscles to ache. No big deal.
However, when your body starts crapping out for no reason? Not cool.
Let me just start by saying that my preferred method of sitting is (completely non-PC) indian style - preferably on the floor, but any kind of hard surface will do. I sit on the big ol' teacher's desk in the front of the classroom that way, I got a bigger office chair for school so I can sit that way there during office hours, and I even made sure my rocking chair at home was big and comfy enough so I could do it at home as well. I don't know why I prefer this - when I drive, I even tend to pull my left leg up on the seat close to me - it's just a weird habit thing, I guess. This has become easier and easier as I have lost weight.
Good news? I found out today that I'm a size 16. 5'7" and 214lbs. I still have a ways to go to get under that 200 mark, but this is way down from my high in pregnancy of 260 (and yes, I just publicized my weight. I did do that).
Bad news? I had to go to the doctor with a sprained knee to find this out.
After spending a few hours grading in my rocking chair last night in my preferred position, when I went to get up my knee popped out of joint. I hobbled up to my room, iced it down, and took some tylenol pm. However, today it was still throbbing so I went to get it checked out. They took some x-rays to ensure nothing was totally broken, popped it back into place, and wrapped it up tight.
I sprained my knee getting out of a chair.
*deep sigh*
So, what happens at 40?
I have decided that with every birthday you have....oh, let's say past 25...you should also be sent an instruction manual with what your body now can and cannot do. Or at least a large warning label. I mean, certain things are obvious - the older you get, the more a hangover will kick your butt. The older you get, the more simple chores like moving or gardening will cause your muscles to ache. No big deal.
However, when your body starts crapping out for no reason? Not cool.
Let me just start by saying that my preferred method of sitting is (completely non-PC) indian style - preferably on the floor, but any kind of hard surface will do. I sit on the big ol' teacher's desk in the front of the classroom that way, I got a bigger office chair for school so I can sit that way there during office hours, and I even made sure my rocking chair at home was big and comfy enough so I could do it at home as well. I don't know why I prefer this - when I drive, I even tend to pull my left leg up on the seat close to me - it's just a weird habit thing, I guess. This has become easier and easier as I have lost weight.
Good news? I found out today that I'm a size 16. 5'7" and 214lbs. I still have a ways to go to get under that 200 mark, but this is way down from my high in pregnancy of 260 (and yes, I just publicized my weight. I did do that).
Bad news? I had to go to the doctor with a sprained knee to find this out.
After spending a few hours grading in my rocking chair last night in my preferred position, when I went to get up my knee popped out of joint. I hobbled up to my room, iced it down, and took some tylenol pm. However, today it was still throbbing so I went to get it checked out. They took some x-rays to ensure nothing was totally broken, popped it back into place, and wrapped it up tight.
I sprained my knee getting out of a chair.
*deep sigh*
So, what happens at 40?
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