Other than the fact that I have now, officially, reached the age where I no longer know how old I am?
I consider that a plus :)
Looking back on how far we have come in a year - two years - three years - it's simply astounding.
Two years ago, I could never have imagined my life today.
Five years ago, my life today would have been inconceivable.
Seven years ago, my life today would have been absolutely laughable it was so far out of reach.
I guess it all just goes to show that we have to walk our path at our own pace. We don't know what the turns are. Sometimes we get the opportunity to run and sometimes we are forced to slow down to a ridiculous pace that seems to bring on insanity. But we are continuing on that path and we are moving forward - always moving forward, and maybe that's the important thing to remember.
When I drive home from the worst day of work this year, or I'm so sleep deprived that I can barely stand up straight, I still take time to look at the beautiful changing colors on the trees and thank God that I am allowed to be outside enjoying this beautiful time of year rather than watching it from a chair through the window.
When I complain or feel stressed out or I simply want to cry because I'm upset, I remind myself of the pain of losing those I've loved and those I've loved and never known.
When I ride my bike with Katie and I can barely breathe because it's hard, I remind myself of when I didn't have a child to do this with and I was all alone.
When I wake up in the middle of the night for the millionth time with Hope, I remind myself that a year ago, I was barely hanging on to hope itself.
Nothing minimizes our daily struggles, but our daily struggles are what prepares us for our daily life. Life isn't as precious if we can't see it through the stains of our pain and our troubles...but life is more beautiful when viewed through the stained glass of our past.
What a beautiful year to add to my life. I am so blessed.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My slow, short trip to insanity...
I adore my girls...I truly do...
BUT
One of them is driving me insane and I simply cannot figure out why.
I suppose it's only natural. Katie was a fairly easygoing and laid-back baby, so we knew that we couldn't be that lucky twice, but I just can NOT figure out what Hope wants.
Scratch that. I can. I just can't give it to her.
From six o'clock pm until six o'clock am, she screams. And I mean, SCREAMS. Bloody Murder, Holy Hell - you name it. It's like we're pulling her toenails out one by one.
The solution? All family members must be in one room and at least one parent must be holding and/or sleeping with her.
*deep sigh*
In my heart of hearts, I know that she's only little for a short time and that she will, all too soon, want nothing to do with us and want to be on her own.
But it would be so lovely to snuggle with her simply for the sheer joy of snuggling and the love of being together and not because the alternative is ear-piercing, blood-curdling screaming for hours and hours on end.
She screams as we make dinner, give baths, try to do homework with Katie - even if one of us is holding her, she's not happy unless we are all together. That much screaming eventually takes its toll on one's sanity.
On the bright side, she can do "So big" and it's just so darn cute :)
And Katie won a coloring contest that got her VIP tickets to go see the Imagination Movers (along with a CD and signed poster). Brian had prepared the "disappointment" talk to give her, but instead we got the call that she won. When we told her she won the contest, she replied, "Of course, I stayed inside the lines."
God I love my girls.
Now if we could just have a little quiet time or sleep :) But it is a beautiful fall - and I remind myself daily how lovely it is to be outside enjoying my days with the girls instead of inside in my chair enjoying constant contractions. Life is perfect when kept in perspective.
BUT
One of them is driving me insane and I simply cannot figure out why.
I suppose it's only natural. Katie was a fairly easygoing and laid-back baby, so we knew that we couldn't be that lucky twice, but I just can NOT figure out what Hope wants.
Scratch that. I can. I just can't give it to her.
From six o'clock pm until six o'clock am, she screams. And I mean, SCREAMS. Bloody Murder, Holy Hell - you name it. It's like we're pulling her toenails out one by one.
The solution? All family members must be in one room and at least one parent must be holding and/or sleeping with her.
*deep sigh*
In my heart of hearts, I know that she's only little for a short time and that she will, all too soon, want nothing to do with us and want to be on her own.
But it would be so lovely to snuggle with her simply for the sheer joy of snuggling and the love of being together and not because the alternative is ear-piercing, blood-curdling screaming for hours and hours on end.
She screams as we make dinner, give baths, try to do homework with Katie - even if one of us is holding her, she's not happy unless we are all together. That much screaming eventually takes its toll on one's sanity.
On the bright side, she can do "So big" and it's just so darn cute :)
And Katie won a coloring contest that got her VIP tickets to go see the Imagination Movers (along with a CD and signed poster). Brian had prepared the "disappointment" talk to give her, but instead we got the call that she won. When we told her she won the contest, she replied, "Of course, I stayed inside the lines."
God I love my girls.
Now if we could just have a little quiet time or sleep :) But it is a beautiful fall - and I remind myself daily how lovely it is to be outside enjoying my days with the girls instead of inside in my chair enjoying constant contractions. Life is perfect when kept in perspective.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The News is
Good.
All around.
First off, what you really care about -
All the biopsies came back within "normal" range. This does not mean that everything is totally ok. Some of them are pretty funny looking and suspicious - in fact, I believe one threatened to mug the doctor or muttered something racist when his head was turned - however, they are all pretty decent for the moment. This means that in a week, Brian will go in and they will discuss treatment options. In a few years we may have to look at some surgical options to remove some scary stuff and/or correct some other things, but for now we'll be looking at medical management. We'll also be closely monitoring all these little buggers on a yearly basis to ensure they don't have a chance to grow or get out of hand. Therefore, the news is good.
As for me, this is my first non-light headed, fully connected to my body day.
Therefore, I will call today a win. Score another one for the Aitken family and continue to hope that the wins outweigh the losses in the long run. I continue to thank you all for your enormous support and thoughtfulness. This past week has been so much harder than I ever dreamed and I'm so glad to know I have such an amazing group of "family" to lean on.
God bless you all.
All around.
First off, what you really care about -
All the biopsies came back within "normal" range. This does not mean that everything is totally ok. Some of them are pretty funny looking and suspicious - in fact, I believe one threatened to mug the doctor or muttered something racist when his head was turned - however, they are all pretty decent for the moment. This means that in a week, Brian will go in and they will discuss treatment options. In a few years we may have to look at some surgical options to remove some scary stuff and/or correct some other things, but for now we'll be looking at medical management. We'll also be closely monitoring all these little buggers on a yearly basis to ensure they don't have a chance to grow or get out of hand. Therefore, the news is good.
As for me, this is my first non-light headed, fully connected to my body day.
Therefore, I will call today a win. Score another one for the Aitken family and continue to hope that the wins outweigh the losses in the long run. I continue to thank you all for your enormous support and thoughtfulness. This past week has been so much harder than I ever dreamed and I'm so glad to know I have such an amazing group of "family" to lean on.
God bless you all.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
The Zen of Painting a Porch
Subtitled *Exhaustion*
The nice part about the past week is that I have just been so freakin' drugged out of my mind and exhuasted that time has passed more quickly than I thought it would. The not so nice part is that I have been exhausted and drugged out of my mind. It's been interesting.
To begin with the more mundane...Hope is still teething and dealing with her eczema and dairy rashes (in addition to environmental and emotional rashes - she is breaking out at the drop of a hat anymore), and sleep has become next to non-existent. She won't sleep in her room at all. She won't sleep in my room. She won't sleep in my bed. If I move or get up or turn over, she screams bloody murder. I am literally a walking zombie. I am very very tired. This has been a little bit hard.
We have been painting the porch (an ongoing, two-year project) and I am sore and very tired from doing such physical work after working at school all morning. This takes hours and hours into the evening, at which point the girls are home and I'm chasing after them and picking them up and feeding them and bathing them and whatnot.
Then there's grading and schoolwork. Don't forget about that.
And the Topamax. That's been a trip all it's own. Today is the first time I actually feel almost connected to my body, which is a relief because I was really starting to freak out. I've felt very out of it and dazed ever since I started on this last week. I was confused and feeling very doped up - very slow and stupid feeling. I also felt like my mind was not in my body - like I wasn't in control and couldn't react. I still don't feel completely in control and I'm starting to realize the difference between "anti-depressant" (what I've typically been on) and "mood stabilizer" (new drug). I can really feel this one messing with my brain. It's dulling a lot of things and messing with a lot of others and I'm not used to feeling so much effect from a medication.
In any case...here's hoping we hear something tomorrow. And that it's good. And that I get some sleep soon. But full body exhaustion due to lack of sleep and physical work is a good combination for not worrying about things you can't control.
The nice part about the past week is that I have just been so freakin' drugged out of my mind and exhuasted that time has passed more quickly than I thought it would. The not so nice part is that I have been exhausted and drugged out of my mind. It's been interesting.
To begin with the more mundane...Hope is still teething and dealing with her eczema and dairy rashes (in addition to environmental and emotional rashes - she is breaking out at the drop of a hat anymore), and sleep has become next to non-existent. She won't sleep in her room at all. She won't sleep in my room. She won't sleep in my bed. If I move or get up or turn over, she screams bloody murder. I am literally a walking zombie. I am very very tired. This has been a little bit hard.
We have been painting the porch (an ongoing, two-year project) and I am sore and very tired from doing such physical work after working at school all morning. This takes hours and hours into the evening, at which point the girls are home and I'm chasing after them and picking them up and feeding them and bathing them and whatnot.
Then there's grading and schoolwork. Don't forget about that.
And the Topamax. That's been a trip all it's own. Today is the first time I actually feel almost connected to my body, which is a relief because I was really starting to freak out. I've felt very out of it and dazed ever since I started on this last week. I was confused and feeling very doped up - very slow and stupid feeling. I also felt like my mind was not in my body - like I wasn't in control and couldn't react. I still don't feel completely in control and I'm starting to realize the difference between "anti-depressant" (what I've typically been on) and "mood stabilizer" (new drug). I can really feel this one messing with my brain. It's dulling a lot of things and messing with a lot of others and I'm not used to feeling so much effect from a medication.
In any case...here's hoping we hear something tomorrow. And that it's good. And that I get some sleep soon. But full body exhaustion due to lack of sleep and physical work is a good combination for not worrying about things you can't control.
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