Those Crazy Duggars

It takes so little to remember...

While I truly do like the Duggars and I think they are generally a very pleasant and loving family, I was very troubled that she was pregnant again after all the troubles they had with Josie. It made me worry about her health and her baby's health. Of course, at this point, we know that she lost that baby. No matter how many children you have, that kind of pain is unexplainable.

I had to watch the episode. I didn't have a choice. We talk so little about miscarriage and it's often just glossed over. My family never mentions it to me, and I don't think they talk about it at all. I often get the feeling from people that they weren't "real" babies because they were so early or not viable.

If you feel that way, you probably haven't experienced this kind of loss. It's not a loss that you can grieve publicly or even talk about most of the time...which is why so many of us are forced into the blogosphere.

I still think of my three precious little ones and wonder who they would have been. What would they have looked like? What would they be interested in? What would our family have been like?

But I never stop loving them.

Michelle says that this song by Selah helped her. I don't know if it helps, but it speaks to my heart.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
by Selah
from the album "You Deliver Me"

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

Katie walked in as I was holding Hope and watching the episode. People crying always make her sad, so she teared up and wanted to know what was going on. It's the first time I've told her that she has three little brothers or sisters who are waiting to meet her in Heaven. That made her very excited - she hoped they were playing with our cat Pete and giving him treats. I told her that someday when we get to be with Jesus in Heaven they'll be waiting to give us big hugs and play with us. She loved that idea.

I'm glad I was finally able to start talking to my daughter about how lucky we are. She kept hugging Hope and saying, "We're so lucky because we have my baby sister." I agreed. In the past, she's asked for "more family" and I had to explain it to her by saying, "God has decided that this is all the family we get," which seemed to harsh. But now that she knows she has little brothers and sisters and that they are playing with God, she feels like she does have "more family."

I know she doesn't understand, but it felt good to tell her. I know that this is probably something both of my daughter will have (it's a dominant thing), but if they know about it before they start trying to have children, maybe they can avoid the pain of losing their baby.

But most of all, it gave me the chance to sit and rock and hug both of my beautiful little girls and to thank God for all He has blessed us with.

Two Skinned Knees

If you've never had the experience of seeing a child with her first double skinned knees...well, it was a hoot.

More so if your child is an overly dramatic and expressive little diva.

I took Katie and Hope for a walk yesterday. After quite a bit of walking, Katie stopped paying attention. I warned her several times, but she just wouldn't listen. Eventually she tripped and fell on the sidewalk, skinning both hands and both knees.

Thankfully, I had the double stroller, so I had her sit down while I trucked it back home (it was a long walk and uphill with both girls - I GOT my workout on). She was, of course, dramatically sobbing as though it was the end of the world. The best part was that she had her arms out by her sides as if she were sporting stigmata. I couldn't help but chuckle.

We got her home and cleaned her up and put bandages on her knees...but she was afraid to walk. She started shuffling her feet and walking so slowly - it was like watching a 97 year old shuffle through the room. We eventually got her settled in a chair with an ice pack on both knees as she worried about how she would manage to go to daycare today since she "couldn't" walk. In fact, she made Brian carry her everywhere last night.

I had to break it to her that this is just the first in a very very very long line of skinned knees...and probably one of the least nasty scrapes at that. She was horrified. Hours later she had the revelation that skin will grow back, so it's ok.

She was still hobbling this morning. I can't stop laughing, which I'm sure doesn't help. It just cracks me up.

Strangely Perched

On the edge of insanity.

I've been here for quite a while actually. In fact, this is one of the first times I've been fully aware of the fact that I'm living in a state of quasi-mania yet still managing to remain semi-stable. This is a new one for me. Thankfully, I do have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks, so if I can just maintain, life will be good. I'm thinking that the prozac is just not right - too much or too little. I have the jittery, amped up feeling that I always get in a mania and last night I totally gutted and cleaned every closet in our house. Yeah - at least it was productive mania. Right now I'm on a "responding to rough drafts" mania - I think that in the past five hours, I've responded to a couple dozen student papers (which is not the appropriate way to approach grading, but they are rough drafts).

Mania is a fascinating feeling. You're energized and totally "up" all the time. There's so much to do and so little time to do it in. Thankfully, as I said, this is the first time I've ever been aware of it - usually I slip into it and do things and then regret them. This time, I was able to put my husband on high alert and I had the added bonus of spending most of the past week with good friends who know me and always take good care of me :) In any case, it's almost certain to be followed by a crash, but who knows when that is coming.

Things are going very well. I'm doing a decent job balancing work, life, and friends. If I had one criticism, it would be that I'm really obsessing about the fact that Hope is getting bigger. It's so hard to watch. I keep reminding myself of how wonderful it is to watch them grow and how much more fun Katie is now (and, also, a pain in the wazoo - three has been an interesting age), but at the same time it's hard to think that my baby won't be my snuggly little baby anymore. I won't see that gummy little smile and those beautiful coos. It's an unfortunate part of the OCD that causes me to fixate and I'm trying to push it away and just love every minute (and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it - today, I set my alarm for half an hour earlier just so I could lay in bed with the girls for a half hour before work).

Hope talks so much anymore that it's just amazing - I'll have to post a video because you will never believe how vocal she is. And we just started feeding her cereal...just another one of those milestones (happy smile/sniffle). This past week she has decided to start waking up at about 1 or 2am for some reason (we had been lucky enough to have 12 hour snooze-a-thons up until now), but I'm thankful for them. I thought we were past them and I'm a-ok with enjoying a few more. I've totally reconciled with the fact that sleep can be something I'll get later on in life ;)

In any case, I was so happy to be reminded of what amazing friends I have this past weekend. I was able to go to a conference that I haven't been able to go to before. Not only did my friends make sure I always had fun things to do and see, but one was even so kind as to change his reservation to allow me to crash in his room for a night. I honestly do have the best friends and I'm just so sad that so many of them live elsewhere. Don't get me wrong - it's awfully nice to know there are many places we can go visit, but it's not the same.

The best thing about best friends - it doesn't matter how long it's been since you've talked. You just pick up as though nothing ever changed and nobody left. I think that's how you know who your best friends are. We're the ones that watch your posts on Facebook, read your blogs, and generally keep up with you - even if we don't talk often. And sometimes, it's just really nice to be reminded that we're there for each other. I had a great weekend with wonderful friends and I'm so thankful for all of them and for the weekend (and I had a great weekend with the girls and Brian post-conference - absence does make the heart grow MUCH fonder!)

ICLW Thank You

If you are joining me from ICLW, thank you. I cannot express to you what an amazing group of women (and men) you are and how much I love and appreciate all of your support, concern and comments during my own journey. For those of you who have not visited me before, you can find my story at:
http://goddoesntmakemistakes-nikki.blogspot.com/

I am an MTHFR. I have had at least 2 ectopic pregnancies and 1 chemical pregnancy. There are others we are not sure of. As if that wasn't plenty, I'm also bipolar, OCD and have severe depression and anxiety issues that I work to control on a daily basis. I want you to know that you are not alone and that what you are feeling is ok. I'm glad that you're blogging because it will help you so much - and I'm so glad you've found this amazing community of women who can help you and give you advice along the way.

While I never experienced "true" infertility, my battle with secondary infertility and all the complications that it entailed left their mark in a way that will remain with me for the rest of my life. Waiting for all of those betas and to see if my numbers had doubled; experiencing all of those needle sticks in my arms as they drew blood day after day and week after week for tests that I couldn't bear to hear the results of. Troubled pregnancies that ended in complete and utter devastation. And then I was blessed to have that one amazing pregnancy where I got to have the daughter I had been dreaming of.

Above all - please know that you are not alone and that what you want isn't impossible. The road you travel may not be the one you want to be on, but you will eventually be where you are supposed to be. I honestly believe this and I want to be there to support you, answer questions, or help you. I want to be the person that helped me so very much for those years.

I believe in you. I believe in your dreams, and I know that there is a plan that will work out for us all. Let me know if I can be your supporter and your follower as you follow your path.

Happy Birthday Daddy

This is one of those posts where I get a bit sappy. But, above all, there is no way I can do justice to the topic at hand. No matter what I say or how I say it, I will never express anything even remotely resembling my true feelings here.

I have the greatest dad ever. Feel free to disagree and think that yours is as good or better - I'm going to say you're wrong. There is no way anyone has ever had a father this good. My father has been a police officer all of my life. He wanted, with all of his heart, to be a DJ on the radio - and he was really good at it. I have his demo tapes and I love listening to them. But he married my mom and they got pregnant with me and he knew he needed something stable. He started out as a dispatcher at the police department and eventually, over the past decades has worked his way through officer, DARE officer, sergeant, lieutenant, major, acting chief, and now assistant chief. He has achieved so much in an, often frustrating and life-sucking, job and has never honestly complained. All my dad wanted was a good life where he could spend time with us.

It is only now, in my thirties, that I realize what my dad and mom did for us. My mom didn't work until I was older; my dad was the sole provider, and on an officer's compensation, that could not have been easy. He took tons of overtime to help make sure we had everything. But none of that matters to me. I don't care what dolls or vacations or anything else I had.

My dad was always there. He voluntarily worked midnight shifts for more years than can be healthy so he would be home to stay with us when we were little or to be there when we got home from school. I have to imagine he survived for at least a dozen years on fewer than four hours sleep a night. He worked every holiday and struggled to be home in time to celebrate with us (we tell the story - humorous now - of how my mother would stand at the foot of the stairs with bells and she would ring them to tell us "Santa is still here" to keep us upstairs until my dad could get off his shift). I never realized just how hard it is to be a good parent and to work and to be sleep deprived, and I will never experience what he did - but now I can appreciate it.

My dad took us camping and fishing. My dad would take me every Sunday morning to the 7am Mass and then we would go to the St. Louis Zoo together for the day. My dad would hold me and rock me and sing "Edleweiss." My dad still rubs my back and hugs me when I come down for a weekend and says, "thank you so much for coming down. I love it when you're here."

Well, Happy Birthday, Dad! I hope I can be half as good a parent as you have always been to me.

Spring Break!

Oh yes, it's spring break.

Most people go on vacation or do fun things...I am enjoying a few hours a day minus work and kids.

Yeah - that sounds terrible. All I wanted was the girls, and I still do, but it is so nice to have just a few hours a day to myself. When I was on bedrest and at the end of my pregnancy, I had some of that time, but I was unable to do much. Going out today and taking a long walk, working out, reading, sleeping in - it's like the best vacation ever.

I'll have the girls on Thursday and Friday, so don't think I'm too greedy ;)

We went down to visit my parents this weekend, minus Brian, and it was much better than I anticipated. Sometimes Katie can get a bit too wound up down there with all the attention and fun, but she was such an amazing helper this weekend. I was so proud of her. My little girl is getting so big and she just makes me so happy. On Sunday, we were visiting my brother and sister-in-law and Katie wrote her name in sidewalk chalk on the ground - all by herself! We didn't even know she was doing it. I walked over and nearly fainted I was so proud (and then I texted the picture to everyone and posted it on Facebook - I am an obnoxiously proud parent!). I can't believe that she can do that on her own! The teacher had said, in the fall, that this was the goal for the year, but since she's three we all agreed it was a pretty lofty goal.

Well, WELL DONE MRS. G!!!!

Katie takes such good care of Hope and loves being with her all the time. I couldn't love them more if I tried.

But right now, I'm going to read a book uninterrupted until they are home in an hour ;)

Where on earth does time go?

I honestly have no idea where the time has gone. Hope is going to be four months old in about a week - how crazy is that? It's amazing that you wait so long for this wonderful, amazing little gift and then time just flies by once they arrive.

Life at our house is what I would call crazy as can be, but so wonderful. It's absolutely amazing because nothing matters as much as it did the first time around. I can remember when Katie would have RSV or ear infections or a fever and I would be stressed out and upset and tired and just so frustrated. Things are so different the second time. Don't get me wrong - I still call the doctor any time there's a fever or Hope is spitting up more than usual - I'll never get over that kind of paranoia; however, it doesn't impact my personality or my life as much. I'm completely and utterly exhausted in a way I never understood before, but I don't care. Mornings are complete chaos and everyone is running around like madmen, but I still smile watching my girls eat breakfast or wake up or get dressed. There's absolutely nothing better than seeing both of them smile first thing in the morning - no matter how early it is, that makes the whole day better.

I think back to when I had Katie and how impossibly hard those first few years were. I never felt like I did enough at work or at home or with my friends or anywhere. But it doesn't seem to matter now. I'm doing what I need to do when I need to do it, and the rest will figure itself out. I know I keep talking about this, but it's just so amazing to me. I honestly expected to have all those overwhelming and terrifying feelings all over again - except multiplied. But that's not it at all. Family is what matters. We'll figure out the other things as they come up.

So much of what we've gone through has given me such a different and new perspective on life. Before, I felt like I was just struggling to make it through the days and that I was barely grasping on to life because it was all so overwhelming. Perhaps sitting on your butt for nine weeks makes a difference. Perhaps the daily scares over a little life create a new sense of perspective.

I don't care what it is. I'm just so happy to have my girls and my husband and my life. For the first time in my life, I see how lucky I am so many times during the day. Driving to or from work, I thank God and remind myself how lucky I am to have been given such amazing gifts.

I hope we can all recognize the gifts and blessings that are in our life and that have always been there. I hope we can begin to see them now instead of going through trying times to give us perspective. I hope we see how lucky we are in so many small and large ways each day.

Here are just two of my precious gifts:

Hope

Katie