Strangely Perched

On the edge of insanity.

I've been here for quite a while actually. In fact, this is one of the first times I've been fully aware of the fact that I'm living in a state of quasi-mania yet still managing to remain semi-stable. This is a new one for me. Thankfully, I do have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks, so if I can just maintain, life will be good. I'm thinking that the prozac is just not right - too much or too little. I have the jittery, amped up feeling that I always get in a mania and last night I totally gutted and cleaned every closet in our house. Yeah - at least it was productive mania. Right now I'm on a "responding to rough drafts" mania - I think that in the past five hours, I've responded to a couple dozen student papers (which is not the appropriate way to approach grading, but they are rough drafts).

Mania is a fascinating feeling. You're energized and totally "up" all the time. There's so much to do and so little time to do it in. Thankfully, as I said, this is the first time I've ever been aware of it - usually I slip into it and do things and then regret them. This time, I was able to put my husband on high alert and I had the added bonus of spending most of the past week with good friends who know me and always take good care of me :) In any case, it's almost certain to be followed by a crash, but who knows when that is coming.

Things are going very well. I'm doing a decent job balancing work, life, and friends. If I had one criticism, it would be that I'm really obsessing about the fact that Hope is getting bigger. It's so hard to watch. I keep reminding myself of how wonderful it is to watch them grow and how much more fun Katie is now (and, also, a pain in the wazoo - three has been an interesting age), but at the same time it's hard to think that my baby won't be my snuggly little baby anymore. I won't see that gummy little smile and those beautiful coos. It's an unfortunate part of the OCD that causes me to fixate and I'm trying to push it away and just love every minute (and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it - today, I set my alarm for half an hour earlier just so I could lay in bed with the girls for a half hour before work).

Hope talks so much anymore that it's just amazing - I'll have to post a video because you will never believe how vocal she is. And we just started feeding her cereal...just another one of those milestones (happy smile/sniffle). This past week she has decided to start waking up at about 1 or 2am for some reason (we had been lucky enough to have 12 hour snooze-a-thons up until now), but I'm thankful for them. I thought we were past them and I'm a-ok with enjoying a few more. I've totally reconciled with the fact that sleep can be something I'll get later on in life ;)

In any case, I was so happy to be reminded of what amazing friends I have this past weekend. I was able to go to a conference that I haven't been able to go to before. Not only did my friends make sure I always had fun things to do and see, but one was even so kind as to change his reservation to allow me to crash in his room for a night. I honestly do have the best friends and I'm just so sad that so many of them live elsewhere. Don't get me wrong - it's awfully nice to know there are many places we can go visit, but it's not the same.

The best thing about best friends - it doesn't matter how long it's been since you've talked. You just pick up as though nothing ever changed and nobody left. I think that's how you know who your best friends are. We're the ones that watch your posts on Facebook, read your blogs, and generally keep up with you - even if we don't talk often. And sometimes, it's just really nice to be reminded that we're there for each other. I had a great weekend with wonderful friends and I'm so thankful for all of them and for the weekend (and I had a great weekend with the girls and Brian post-conference - absence does make the heart grow MUCH fonder!)