So - outside of my house, the wind sounds very cold and strong. There is a great deal of construction going on out on our street and at the remains of the house next door. I'm a bit concerned with how we will get in or out of our driveway - but I'm not thinking about that today.
Today was a glorious day to be able to stay in bed and snuggle with a baby. When it's cold and gloomy AND a Monday, what better antidote is there? We had her bottles in bed. We played in bed. And I was treated to several beautiful gummy smiles and coos of delight. Every time she does either of those, I'm still surprised and amazed and I love each and every one of them.
Things I wish I could capture and keep forever:
1. The sight of my two daughters hugging.
2. A gummy smile from Hope.
3. Katie patting me on the back and telling me not to love her too much.
4. Lying in between my two daughters and husband in bed.
5. Listening to Hope coo in delight as Katie talks or sings to her.
6. Hearing Katie say, "Oh, she's SOOO cute" about Hope every day when she walks in the door.
7. The fuzzy hair on top of Hope's head that stands up everywhere after her bath. My little fuzz head.
8. Sitting in a rocking chair watching my baby sleep in my arms for hours.
9. Snuggling with Katie while she sings to me.
10. Knowing that at this moment, everything is wonderful. Everyone is healthy. We have a good place to live and good jobs. We have friends and family who care about us and who we love dearly. Right now - in this moment - life is so good.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
It could be funny if it wasn't true...
Our neighborhood is falling apart in some kind of apocalyptic scenario. It's crazy.
First, there was this:
http://www.pantagraph.com/news/local/fire-causes-damage-to-bloomington-home-pets-die/article_735b5b00-3fa9-11e1-9078-001871e3ce6c.html
That was the house next door to us. It's still standing, but not really.
Now, this just happened in front of our house:
http://www.pantagraph.com/news/local/school-bus-stuck-in-oakland-ave-sink-hole/article_a74055f6-4229-11e1-82a8-001871e3ce6c.html
Just don't take our house down with it...please!
First, there was this:
http://www.pantagraph.com/news/local/fire-causes-damage-to-bloomington-home-pets-die/article_735b5b00-3fa9-11e1-9078-001871e3ce6c.html
That was the house next door to us. It's still standing, but not really.
Now, this just happened in front of our house:
http://www.pantagraph.com/news/local/school-bus-stuck-in-oakland-ave-sink-hole/article_a74055f6-4229-11e1-82a8-001871e3ce6c.html
Just don't take our house down with it...please!
2 month Appointment
We had Hope checked out at her 2 month "Well-baby" appointment today. She is now 23 inches (putting her in the 71st percentile) and 10lbs 5oz (putting her at 29%). Just like Katie, she is long and skinny. I thought she looked a lot bigger than Katie did, but the doctor was concerned with how skinny she was. I had to remind her about Katie. Hope has been spitting up a bit and has a LOT of gas all the time, so we're experimenting with some soy formula for this week...if it helps, that's great, but if there's little difference, she's getting more generic gentle formula from Sam's Club (it's WAAAAY cheaper!).
She's hitting all her developmental milestones and is only a little bit flat on the right side of her head (we'll have to work on that). She also got two shots today - I always spread them out because I just can't stand to see 14 vaccines go into a body that small at one time. We'll go back in a month for more shots. What it boils down to is that Hope will get shots every month for her first year of life instead of every other month - it's not a big deal for us to take her in more often and it makes me feel better.
She's still sleeping and eating well. Nightly she's been giving us about six-seven hour stretches which is absolutely amazing. She's smiling and loves to watch her big sister. Her face just lights up when she sees Katie (and vice versa). It's really beautiful to see.
She's hitting all her developmental milestones and is only a little bit flat on the right side of her head (we'll have to work on that). She also got two shots today - I always spread them out because I just can't stand to see 14 vaccines go into a body that small at one time. We'll go back in a month for more shots. What it boils down to is that Hope will get shots every month for her first year of life instead of every other month - it's not a big deal for us to take her in more often and it makes me feel better.
She's still sleeping and eating well. Nightly she's been giving us about six-seven hour stretches which is absolutely amazing. She's smiling and loves to watch her big sister. Her face just lights up when she sees Katie (and vice versa). It's really beautiful to see.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
It's been a week...or two...
It's amazing how quickly time passes now that I'm not having contractions every three minutes. Life is so much more lovely this way. At times, I wish I could get a bit more sleep, or I wish one of the kids would behave or stop crying, but it's all much much better than being pregnant or wishing I was pregnant.
I'm still having some issues with the tubal ligation. I keep trying to talk to Brian about it, but there's really no talking in his mind. He always reminds me that another pregnancy has the potential to be deadly, as did this one, and that there is no way he will even try again. I get that, I do, but it's weird to think that I'm done having kids. I try so hard to treasure and value every single day with Hope - when she wakes up in the middle of the night, I remind myself that it only happens for a few months and that it's a special time that only she and I have together. When we sit and rock, I look at her face and hands and just thank God for all that she has brought into our lives.
So maybe I sound insanely happy or strangely positive. No, I'm still me :) What has changed is my view of the world around me and my own family. During my pregnancy and first few years with Katie, I always felt torn between work and her. Of course, I wasn't tenured at that point and there was a lot going on. At this point, it's all about Hope. I don't care about work (in as much as you can "not care" while planning the courses you have to start teaching in four weeks) because I've realized how incredibly difficult it can be to have a child and how absolutely amazing they are. Perspective is a nice thing to have in life. When I say my prayers at night or at church or at any other time of day, I don't feel as though I have any right to ask for anything ever again. I spend my time thanking God for my family and my children and my job and my house and my friends and all that He has given me.
I honestly wish we could see how much we all have when we're in our deepest, darkest moments. I know that there were so many times that I felt lower than dirt and that even though I would remind myself of what I had and what I should be thankful for, it just never felt like "enough." (I put that in quotes because it isn't the right word - it just didn't feel right or complete or...something...) But so many of us have so much more than we realize and we often don't realize until it's too late or something dramatic happens. I'm thankful that I just had "dramatic" and not "too late" - I always had a wonderful life and family, but I couldn't see it through my plans for the future.
So, I have to learn to let go of all those things that I have "planned." (We're going to have to call this post "quotes" or something like that...) I have to just stop and acknowledge the fact that I am only in charge of so much in my life. My old blog was originally named "God Doesn't Make Mistakes," but I honestly didn't believe that when I wrote it. I was working with that philosophy that if you believe hard enough, you can make it real. Well, God doesn't make mistakes. Ever. With each passing day, I become more convinced of this. But God also doesn't always give us the answer we want in the time we want. He's not our concierge. He doesn't serve us and our whims.
I know this sounds preachy, but I've always been a believer that we choose our life and friends and experiences before we are born. (I know - it sort of negates that idea of free will, but it's what has always struck me as true). I try to remind myself that I am going through certain experiences or meeting people for a certain reason and that there is something that I wanted myself to learn or grow from. It's very hard to remember at times, but I think it's true (and you are welcome to disagree - I don't care :) By having the miscarriages and other problems that we had, I was introduced to a community of women and men who are living miracles. The problems or issues that many had lived through, were experiencing, or are currently enduring absolutely boggle my mind and make me really put my own life in focus. Although we had so much trouble before Hope, we were lucky enough to have a doctor who wanted to find the problem and help us fix it. Although it was not a fun pregnancy, it was successful and we ended up with our amazing daughter.
People have congratulated me and my husband on our "happy ending." Of course, I agree and am thankful for what has happened to us, but it's such a bittersweet sentiment. I will never stop being a part of the infertile/pregnancy loss community, but I have the pure dumb luck of being able to have my healthy child. I pray that my friends and those who are posting and searching for help and support will have their own happy endings and that they, too, will be able to have the family they desire so desperately.
I had a bracelet made that will allow me to remember all of my babies. It's a birthstone bracelet, and in addition to Brian, Katie, Hope, and myself, there are stones for my other three precious babies. May we all always remember those we have and those we have lost and may we all have our happy endings - no matter how long they take!
I'm still having some issues with the tubal ligation. I keep trying to talk to Brian about it, but there's really no talking in his mind. He always reminds me that another pregnancy has the potential to be deadly, as did this one, and that there is no way he will even try again. I get that, I do, but it's weird to think that I'm done having kids. I try so hard to treasure and value every single day with Hope - when she wakes up in the middle of the night, I remind myself that it only happens for a few months and that it's a special time that only she and I have together. When we sit and rock, I look at her face and hands and just thank God for all that she has brought into our lives.
So maybe I sound insanely happy or strangely positive. No, I'm still me :) What has changed is my view of the world around me and my own family. During my pregnancy and first few years with Katie, I always felt torn between work and her. Of course, I wasn't tenured at that point and there was a lot going on. At this point, it's all about Hope. I don't care about work (in as much as you can "not care" while planning the courses you have to start teaching in four weeks) because I've realized how incredibly difficult it can be to have a child and how absolutely amazing they are. Perspective is a nice thing to have in life. When I say my prayers at night or at church or at any other time of day, I don't feel as though I have any right to ask for anything ever again. I spend my time thanking God for my family and my children and my job and my house and my friends and all that He has given me.
I honestly wish we could see how much we all have when we're in our deepest, darkest moments. I know that there were so many times that I felt lower than dirt and that even though I would remind myself of what I had and what I should be thankful for, it just never felt like "enough." (I put that in quotes because it isn't the right word - it just didn't feel right or complete or...something...) But so many of us have so much more than we realize and we often don't realize until it's too late or something dramatic happens. I'm thankful that I just had "dramatic" and not "too late" - I always had a wonderful life and family, but I couldn't see it through my plans for the future.
So, I have to learn to let go of all those things that I have "planned." (We're going to have to call this post "quotes" or something like that...) I have to just stop and acknowledge the fact that I am only in charge of so much in my life. My old blog was originally named "God Doesn't Make Mistakes," but I honestly didn't believe that when I wrote it. I was working with that philosophy that if you believe hard enough, you can make it real. Well, God doesn't make mistakes. Ever. With each passing day, I become more convinced of this. But God also doesn't always give us the answer we want in the time we want. He's not our concierge. He doesn't serve us and our whims.
I know this sounds preachy, but I've always been a believer that we choose our life and friends and experiences before we are born. (I know - it sort of negates that idea of free will, but it's what has always struck me as true). I try to remind myself that I am going through certain experiences or meeting people for a certain reason and that there is something that I wanted myself to learn or grow from. It's very hard to remember at times, but I think it's true (and you are welcome to disagree - I don't care :) By having the miscarriages and other problems that we had, I was introduced to a community of women and men who are living miracles. The problems or issues that many had lived through, were experiencing, or are currently enduring absolutely boggle my mind and make me really put my own life in focus. Although we had so much trouble before Hope, we were lucky enough to have a doctor who wanted to find the problem and help us fix it. Although it was not a fun pregnancy, it was successful and we ended up with our amazing daughter.
People have congratulated me and my husband on our "happy ending." Of course, I agree and am thankful for what has happened to us, but it's such a bittersweet sentiment. I will never stop being a part of the infertile/pregnancy loss community, but I have the pure dumb luck of being able to have my healthy child. I pray that my friends and those who are posting and searching for help and support will have their own happy endings and that they, too, will be able to have the family they desire so desperately.
I had a bracelet made that will allow me to remember all of my babies. It's a birthstone bracelet, and in addition to Brian, Katie, Hope, and myself, there are stones for my other three precious babies. May we all always remember those we have and those we have lost and may we all have our happy endings - no matter how long they take!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A precious gift
Even though this woman (a fellow blogger) has been through some of the worst pain and heartache that I can imagine, she still wanted to make a difference and to create a space where all the angel babies who are not with us can be together. Her generosity and kindness know no limits and I'm praying so hard that her happy ending is coming very very soon.
http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/2012/01/angel-list.html
http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/2012/01/angel-list.html
Monday, January 9, 2012
Life in Between
I'm not really in "real life" yet - I haven't started working and I don't have to (exactly) deal with those pressures yet (although my mind has been whirling and planning and I've been trying to start on those to get them done and off my plate), and so I'm in this in-between phase that is both absolutely perfect and perfectly miserable at the same time.
Ok - I know. I'm the one who blogged for years about wanting this child and being blessed - and I am. But that doesn't mean that everything is always perfect (although that would be pretty cool). I am dealing with some pretty severe post-partum depression issues right now, but that was expected. Since I am bipolar in "real life," post-partum is almost a given for me and I had to start taking meds the day I gave birth. Unfortunately, we haven't found the right combination yet, so I'm dealing with some of the unfortunate side effects of insomnia, depression, and panic attacks. I am meeting up with my doctor on Wednesday for a med check, so I'm hoping we will figure things out then; we tried to start on a low dose of only one medication to see how little it would take to make me a happy, functioning human being. Clearly, this isn't it ;)
It's also a bit weird to be home with Hope every day. I love it and I love spending time with her, but two things are making it harder than I anticipated. One: When I had Katie, it was April. We spent most of my maternity leave walking outside and laying in the backyard and enjoying vacation time with family. That doesn't happen so much in November. Of course, the holidays were an interesting distraction/diversion, but it always feels good to get home. So, while I'm happy we're home and settling in, I feel like I'm not doing enough for either Hope or myself. We read and play, but (supermom syndrome kicking in here) I feel like I should be doing more. I think it's also been very very different because I haven't been at work since September. I've been sitting at home for so long that I think I might have a bit of the "stir-crazies." Granted, it's nicer to be home with Hope than my contractions, but this is the longest I have ever gone without working and it's really weird.
All of that just makes me feel like I'm in an in-between land. I've been home to long for it to feel like maternity leave, but I know work is coming soon and it will be difficult to go back. I do know that when I do go back to work, it will be very hard, but I also know that I am a MUCH better mother when I am working and have a place to just go and be myself. So, I think things will start to even out then.
Hope continues to be amazing. She can almost hold her head up without any help and she is very curious and nosy. She sleeps very well at night and is a very good eater. We have just started seeing her smiles and they are absolutely amazing. Katie also adores her and constantly wants to hold her or sit with her or feed her. I am so glad that they are getting along and that they are happy together. It makes my heart so happy to see them together.
I also had my FINAL (for a year) appt. with the doctor. I do not have to take any more shots :) Woo-hoo!!! I do have to start an aspirin regimen and, apparently, I am now at a higher risk of stroke and heart attack due to this MTHFR thing. She suggested continuing the medic alert bracelet in case of surgery or car accident - I haven't decided on that yet, but since I do drive 45 min. each way to work, I probably should get one. She also told me that the pathology came back and they did remove my tubes, but that I am welcome to pursue in-vitro at any time. Uhm....no. That doesn't solve the whole MTHFR nasty pregnancy thing, so I think if there are more children, we will have to figure out where to get the money to adopt.
In all, things are going very well. Hope will be eight weeks old this week and I just can't believe how quickly the time has gone. I feel like she's always been here and been a part of our lives. Everything just feels complete now. So even though I get my "bad mommy" feelings and anxiety issues, I'm still very pleased with where we are and what we have accomplished.
There is just one thing I would like to share with you. I cannot take credit for this photo - a fellow blogger (www.cradlesandgraves.com) took it. I had to turn in my needles monthly, so I couldn't accomplish something this grand. Take a look at just a small fraction of what went into keeping Hope healthy for nine months (not counting additional meds, ER visits, etc).
This is 491 needles. My grand total ended up being 480, so I'm not quite this impressive, but it's still fascinating just the same.
My belly is thankful to not see them every morning anymore ;)
Ok - I know. I'm the one who blogged for years about wanting this child and being blessed - and I am. But that doesn't mean that everything is always perfect (although that would be pretty cool). I am dealing with some pretty severe post-partum depression issues right now, but that was expected. Since I am bipolar in "real life," post-partum is almost a given for me and I had to start taking meds the day I gave birth. Unfortunately, we haven't found the right combination yet, so I'm dealing with some of the unfortunate side effects of insomnia, depression, and panic attacks. I am meeting up with my doctor on Wednesday for a med check, so I'm hoping we will figure things out then; we tried to start on a low dose of only one medication to see how little it would take to make me a happy, functioning human being. Clearly, this isn't it ;)
It's also a bit weird to be home with Hope every day. I love it and I love spending time with her, but two things are making it harder than I anticipated. One: When I had Katie, it was April. We spent most of my maternity leave walking outside and laying in the backyard and enjoying vacation time with family. That doesn't happen so much in November. Of course, the holidays were an interesting distraction/diversion, but it always feels good to get home. So, while I'm happy we're home and settling in, I feel like I'm not doing enough for either Hope or myself. We read and play, but (supermom syndrome kicking in here) I feel like I should be doing more. I think it's also been very very different because I haven't been at work since September. I've been sitting at home for so long that I think I might have a bit of the "stir-crazies." Granted, it's nicer to be home with Hope than my contractions, but this is the longest I have ever gone without working and it's really weird.
All of that just makes me feel like I'm in an in-between land. I've been home to long for it to feel like maternity leave, but I know work is coming soon and it will be difficult to go back. I do know that when I do go back to work, it will be very hard, but I also know that I am a MUCH better mother when I am working and have a place to just go and be myself. So, I think things will start to even out then.
Hope continues to be amazing. She can almost hold her head up without any help and she is very curious and nosy. She sleeps very well at night and is a very good eater. We have just started seeing her smiles and they are absolutely amazing. Katie also adores her and constantly wants to hold her or sit with her or feed her. I am so glad that they are getting along and that they are happy together. It makes my heart so happy to see them together.
I also had my FINAL (for a year) appt. with the doctor. I do not have to take any more shots :) Woo-hoo!!! I do have to start an aspirin regimen and, apparently, I am now at a higher risk of stroke and heart attack due to this MTHFR thing. She suggested continuing the medic alert bracelet in case of surgery or car accident - I haven't decided on that yet, but since I do drive 45 min. each way to work, I probably should get one. She also told me that the pathology came back and they did remove my tubes, but that I am welcome to pursue in-vitro at any time. Uhm....no. That doesn't solve the whole MTHFR nasty pregnancy thing, so I think if there are more children, we will have to figure out where to get the money to adopt.
In all, things are going very well. Hope will be eight weeks old this week and I just can't believe how quickly the time has gone. I feel like she's always been here and been a part of our lives. Everything just feels complete now. So even though I get my "bad mommy" feelings and anxiety issues, I'm still very pleased with where we are and what we have accomplished.
There is just one thing I would like to share with you. I cannot take credit for this photo - a fellow blogger (www.cradlesandgraves.com) took it. I had to turn in my needles monthly, so I couldn't accomplish something this grand. Take a look at just a small fraction of what went into keeping Hope healthy for nine months (not counting additional meds, ER visits, etc).
This is 491 needles. My grand total ended up being 480, so I'm not quite this impressive, but it's still fascinating just the same.My belly is thankful to not see them every morning anymore ;)
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Where are you going?
Welcome to my inaugural post to my new blog. I spent a long time considering what to call this blog and what the theme of it would be. As an English-type person, I've always put a lot of emphasis on titles and words, so it was very important for me to come up with the right words to start this off. Leave it to my daily life to be the ever present inspiration.
If you are new to my blog and want to know the story behind all that has happened to bring me to this blessed point in my life, please feel free to catch up on my backstory here: http://goddoesntmakemistakes-nikki.blogspot.com/
Thankfully, so much has happened since I started that blog and so many blessings have come into my life. The title of this particular blog is very special and meaningful to me on two levels. It comes from a song that I have always held very dear to my heart because my father used to sing it to me. When I had my first daughter, Katie, I held her and sang it and it held so many new meanings for me. Now, after everything we've gone through, I sing it almost all day long to my precious little girl, Hope, and it means so much more than I ever knew it could. It's the song that settles her down and relaxes her and it's the one that makes me feel so close to her. During our most special moments, Katie will help me sing it to her - so I want to share it with you as well.
Turn Around
Where are you going my little one, little one?
Where are you going my baby, my own?
Turn around and you're two, turn around and you're four
Turn around and you're a young girl going out of my door.
Turn around. Turn around.
Turn around and you're a young girl going out of my door.
Where are you going my little one, little one?
Little dirndles and petticoats, where have you gone?
Turn around and you're tiny, turn around and you're grown
Turn around and you're a young wife with babes of your own.
Turn around. Turn around.
Turn around and you're a young wife with babes of your own.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRl7EFYSty8&feature=related
(If you would like to hear the song for yourself)
Life moves so quickly, and this past year has taught me more about living and loving every single minute than an entire lifetime ever could. I love my girls, I love my job, I love my family, I love and treasure my amazing friends and blog followers, and I love my life. I am blessed and happy and I hope I can share my days and thoughts, both good and bad (let's face it - we're not happy all the time) with you :)
If you are new to my blog and want to know the story behind all that has happened to bring me to this blessed point in my life, please feel free to catch up on my backstory here: http://goddoesntmakemistakes-nikki.blogspot.com/
Thankfully, so much has happened since I started that blog and so many blessings have come into my life. The title of this particular blog is very special and meaningful to me on two levels. It comes from a song that I have always held very dear to my heart because my father used to sing it to me. When I had my first daughter, Katie, I held her and sang it and it held so many new meanings for me. Now, after everything we've gone through, I sing it almost all day long to my precious little girl, Hope, and it means so much more than I ever knew it could. It's the song that settles her down and relaxes her and it's the one that makes me feel so close to her. During our most special moments, Katie will help me sing it to her - so I want to share it with you as well.
Turn Around
Where are you going my little one, little one?
Where are you going my baby, my own?
Turn around and you're two, turn around and you're four
Turn around and you're a young girl going out of my door.
Turn around. Turn around.
Turn around and you're a young girl going out of my door.
Where are you going my little one, little one?
Little dirndles and petticoats, where have you gone?
Turn around and you're tiny, turn around and you're grown
Turn around and you're a young wife with babes of your own.
Turn around. Turn around.
Turn around and you're a young wife with babes of your own.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRl7EFYSty8&feature=related
(If you would like to hear the song for yourself)
Life moves so quickly, and this past year has taught me more about living and loving every single minute than an entire lifetime ever could. I love my girls, I love my job, I love my family, I love and treasure my amazing friends and blog followers, and I love my life. I am blessed and happy and I hope I can share my days and thoughts, both good and bad (let's face it - we're not happy all the time) with you :)
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