Ahhhh...

While it's been a difficult week, I'm on to a new and hopeful track...

Went to see my doctor and he confirmed that the bipolar has been hitting me hard and fast.  Manic followed by complete exhaustion/depression (he noted the circles under my eyes today and my lethargic speech...as well as my increased weight...damn.  Why can't I lose weight when depressed?)  In any case, we've now decided to consider upping the dose of Seroquel (we'll decide that when I go back in two weeks) to try to calm the mood swings and ups and downs of mania/depression.  He wants me to go off the Prozac altogether as he thinks that is causing my manias and making me extra anxious and jittery.  Now we're moving on to a small dose of Topomax - to be increased next week.  He assumes we'll have to up it a few times, but hopefully this will start to even things out for now.  It's a mood stabilizer, so hopefully that will help (never tried one of those before :)  Still on the Xanax for "spot" treatments or help as needed.

Hate trying new meds because it's a long process of figuring out which is the right one and the right dose and it's frustrating to start this process again, but I do want to find me again and I know this is the way to do it.

BTW - the massage helped ENORMOUSLY.  I cannot say enough for people who are in this line of work - they are God's angels (expensive angels, but totally worth it!).

Again, thank you to all of you who have listened to my hysteria or have sent supportive messages.  I'm doing better today and I'm really hoping the medicine change will help me keep things in perspective. 

In any case, it's time to get out of this exhausted funk and exercise.  I'm going to make the whole family take a nice long walk (good to exhaust Katie and good for Brian's and my health).  In other good news, he's taken the news to heart and is cooking in a more heart-friendly and health-friendly manner and actually trying to enjoy it :)  Bless his heart. 

Hopefully we'll all just come out the other side a bit healthier and happier.

Do Things Look Brighter in the Morning?

One of my wonderful friends reminded me of this idea last night.

And I can safely say, yes; things do look better in the morning.

I think I was so drained by all that led up to the day and the day itself and the stress of being there for the procedure and hearing everything - well, I think it set my mind into overdrive.

Today I'm calmer.  I still don't feel great, but I feel calmer.  I can breathe.  I don't think I'll break into spontaneous tears and I was ok with getting out of bed.

Of course, the fact that I got several very large hugs this morning from all members of my family was incredibly helpful.

And those who checked in on me gave me a much needed sense of comfort.  Just hearing kind words from others helps calm me down - helps me to get back in touch with the logical part of my mind.

In other news, I have my regular Dr. appt today to check my meds.  I think we can safely say that while I haven't gotten worse, I haven't improved lately.  My mind is at war with itself, and I hope we can start to figure out how to get my mind back in control of the crazy mind. 

And, just because I did, I made an appointment for a nice long massage after.

It will be ok.  It will all be ok.  I just have to wait.

Broken Down

I should be able to handle this - after all, right now there is literally nothing to worry about.

But I can't.  And I'm falling apart.

I can't stop crying.  I feel as though I'm going to vomit all the time.

He's the strong one - not me.  I know this is so silly and stupid - especially in light of what others are dealing with or what we've gone through before...

But I'm not in control...that gosh-darned Bipolar mind has taken over. 

I've been manically scrubbing and cleaning.

Grading and organizing.

Researching and gathering.

I can't stop...but when I do it's the depression...

I could barely make it through classes today without crying.

I want to call in sick for a week and ball up in bed.

And it's not even me and it's not even anything "really" serious.

I hate my mind.  I hate that it f*&ks with me when I feel like I have it together.  I hate that I'm emotionally falling apart while my logic tells me that everything is ok.  I hate that I can't trust my mind and my feelings and my emotions.

I hate being bipolar.  I hate it.  I want to be normal - whatever that means.  I don't want to be OCD or have anxiety issues or mania or depression or anything else.  I just want to be me...whoever that is.

And now we wait....

Which will be the hardest part.

There was a lot of inflammation and other problems - much more than the doctor expected to see.  Several areas were biopsied and several polyps removed for biopsy.  Unfortunately, it takes a week for those results to come back.

Brian, of course, is trying to tell me it's all fine and that they didn't find anything - that doctors have to biopsy everything and that they'll just find a medication for him.  And yes, I know that biopsies have to be done when they find anything irregular and even expected them...

But I was still hoping, somewhere inside, that they'd find nothing.  Or just a little irritation.  Not a lot of extensive irritation and inflammation with other problems with lots of big words (I could get his discharge sheet and tell you, but a) you don't need all that information and b) that would clue him in that I'm typing this right now.

I'm trying very very hard to hold it together because I know it's probably nothing and that a simple change of diet and a pill will fix things...but I didn't expect to hear there were so many problems.  I kinda feel like I'm hanging on an edge right now...

Waiting...God I hate waiting...

In need of strength...

For those of you who don't know my husband, he's a very sweet and kind person who comes off as abrupt and blunt to those who don't know him.  He cares deeply about his family and his friends and would literally give them the shirt off his back.  For as much as he royally annoys me sometimes and irks me, he is a very good man who comes off too abrasively sometimes for others...most people think he doesn't like them, even though he will protect them at all costs.

Well, my husband doesn't have the best habits.  It's not entirely his fault.  He doesn't eat all the foods he should and he doesn't exercise.  But he does spend every single moment from the time he gets home from work to the time he goes to bed cleaning and cooking and taking care of his family.  He sacrifices friendships and activities he would like to do because we are his first priority.  I only wish I could be so noble in my intents...I'm not.  I'm selfish most of the time.

That said, I finally, after all of my health problems and the issues with conceiving, forced him to go to a doctor to get a physical and to check on some issues that scare me.  He has a lot of gastrointestinal issues - hiccups, acid reflux, sour stomach, etc.  I know that doesn't sound serious, but digestive problems are obviously not comfortable or easy to deal with.

Well, after seeing his physician, he got mostly good news - low cholesterol and blood pressure (the highs run in his family, so I was worried about those), but they are pretty concerned about the GI stuff.  On Wednesday, he's going to get a GI scope (after meeting with a specialist who ordered it) at the hospital to determine if he has "Barrett's Esophagus" and/or pre-cancerous cells.

Those of you who know me well know that I immediately went into research mode as a means of self-defense and found out as much as I could.  It appears that there could be a pretty high probability of the Barrett's thing - which would mean closely monitoring the situation to ensure it's not cancer.  As for them finding anything cancerous right now?  Well, I don't know.  From what I can tell, there aren't a lot of symptoms outside of what he already has, so I just don't know.

So, on Wednesday, for the first time, I will have to see my husband go under General Anesthesia to have this simple procedure.  But then we will wait.  And my thoughts and my brain are far scarier than most prognosis.  I'm terrified to see him drugged or out.  I'm terrified that they'll find something.  I'm just terrified - I've always been the one on the other side...and it was easier.  It was easier to undergo the procedures than to watch from the outside.

Please, send us strength.  He's fine (or putting up a brave front) as always, but I'm having a hard time keeping myself in check.  I'm scared to be there for the procedure.  I'm scared of the results.  I'm just scared...what would I do without him?  We've been together since 1998...I honestly don't know what I'd do if it was anything at all.

I know the odds are good that it's nothing and I keep reminding myself of that fact.  I just have to reign in my runaway brain and think good thoughts.

Sending out some prayers

Many of my students come from an area that we would not consider to be the safest or the most stable, so I'm always amazed that this doesn't happen more often in the semester.  However, this time it's a bit too close to home.

A student of mine lost her sister to a senseless act of murder.  The woman left behind an autistic son and disappeared for days.  I feel so badly for her and am keeping her and her family in my thoughts and prayers as they attend the funeral tomorrow.

But then, in a strange twist of fate, it was another of my students who actually was involved in finding the body.  It was on this student's neighbor's field and had been run over by a combine.  This student was particularly upset and bothered by this because, as you can imagine, there wasn't a lot left after such an accident.

So not only does one family mourn the loss of their loved one, but another family tries to deal with what they found in their own neighborhood.

We were just discussing this in class last week, as that was when the body was discovered.  The related student has been missing, now with obvious reason, for over a week.  I'm keeping all of them in my thoughts and prayers and hope you will do the same.

My life is moving in a different direction...

Something has been in the works for a few weeks that I have been keeping a bit quiet about (not easy for me) since it isn't certain yet.  It still isn't certain, but I'm a step closer, so I feel it's safe to share some information.

A major textbook publisher (one of the biggest for English textbooks), approached me about talking about taking over the revisions for one of the biggest workbook series within their English catalog.  It's a three book series of differing levels and is currently in its fifth edition.  Apparently, the person who wrote and has been editing and revising the books wants to step back from the process, and so they were looking for someone new.

One of the perks of my job is that I am often approached by publishers to do reviews of products or to answer surveys about the current needs of the fields.  This publisher contacted me based on a review I did about two years ago that they thought was well reasoned and interesting.  I had a phone interview where we discussed my possible role and where I thought the series would go.  Not only does the job involve revising the books, but there is travel for promotional purposes and to train schools that choose to adopt the book.  After that, I had a written interview that required me to give some more specific ideas as to what I would do to work with the series and the needs that I think it's going to have to meet in the future.

Well, today we have moved on to what appears to be their final step in the process.  They are asking me to take the highest level book and use the Table of Contents to demonstrate what I would do with a potential revision.  Where would I make the edits, cuts, changes, etc...and then, the big question: did I see more work as an actual revision or as a new series?

Since it's already a successful series, I think that my comments will indicate that the book should be revised, but that we should probably start making more significant revisions that lead towards a new or changed series.  I don't want to lose the reputation or the following that the book already has.

In any case, all of this would be on top of my teaching job.  It's one of those processes where you do a lot of work up front (revisions and editing) and then, when the book sells, earn royalties.  From what I've gathered, the royalties on a book like this could be more than my yearly salary. 

So again - I don't know if it's my job yet or not (or even if I could handle it on my own), but it's an exciting development and something I never anticipated.  If you had told me two years ago that I would have my wonderful and complete family and would be fielding opportunities like this professionally, I would have laughed at you.

It just goes to show...there's a plan there somewhere.  We just don't always get clued in on it.

Feeling loved :)

  Which is always an awesome feeling :)  My adorable friend D, gave me this beautiful necklace this morning and it just made my day.  I'm always looking for ways to commemorate my little buddies who aren't here with us, and this is just perfect.  More than loving the gift, though, is the amazing feeling soaring through my heart that someone else wanted to help me remember my babies.  I'm laughing as I write this because I'm supposed to be the English person and writing should be my thing, but I'm completely at a loss for words right now because I am so touched and awed.  My words aren't enough: Thank you!

Adjusting and getting back into a routine has been very good for us as a family.  Hope has a new friend to play with at daycare (there's only the two of them and Katie) who is 15 months old and, apparently, the two of them just adore each other.  I'm just pleased there is another little one for Hope to play with - especially now that Katie has school daily.  My little baby is just growing like a weed, though!  She now can crawl faster than most people walk, can go up and (sometimes) down stairs (although the down part is often quicker and less comfortable than she would prefer), pulls herself up and walks around the room holding on to furniture, says Momma, Dada, Papa, and Hi, can do "so big" and "peek-a-boo," and can feed herself puffs and yogurt melts.  Her smile and beautiful blue eyes are adorable.  We can't get her to hold onto a bottle and she does NOT like to be left alone.  I think we may have spoiled her a bit when she was very little by holding her all the time, but I'm not going to apologize for that.

Katie, on the other hand, is becoming more independent daily and also growing up too quickly.  She now goes to Pre-K five days a week for half a day and she loves it.  She's making new friends (who she calls "Friend" - names are of little concern to her as long as someone will play with her) and learning a lot.  It's helping with her moods and tantrums (I think since it's more structured than my summer days, it's good for her) and, overall, she's still being a wonderful big sister who always worries about Hope before herself.

In other ways, Katie continues to be my special buddy.  She's decided that she is going to be my teacher and is going to teach me how to run.  We can now run about three miles on the Wii together and have recently started going out to the trail (since, on occasion, it cools down below 90 degrees).  On Friday, she and I ran a full half mile and I interspersed some walking to make it a full mile (then we walked some more).  Since I've never ever been able to run, this is a big win for me - and it's also funny to watch my four year old lap me with ease :)

I have a new group of students who are also teaching me so much more about life and myself daily.  Since I get to see them four days a week (a luxury I don't usually get), I'm really getting to know them and they're getting to know each other.  I've found out that one of my students used to live in LA and be in commercials and then got caught up in gang stuff.  I've got students who grew up in the projects and also joined gangs.  Several have been to prison and many are young moms and dads who have no home.  I'm feeling blessed to be able to work with them because they are all very determined and eager to help each other.  I don't often see that in developmental classes - particularly this early in the semester, but it's almost as if they have all decided to help each other succeed.  I'm proud of the work they've been doing and pleased with their attitude...and it helps me so much to see them and hear their stories.  To know what other people are living through daily and to remind myself that my problems right now are not very big at all. 

I've been spending a lot of time lately on other people's blogs and my heart aches for what some of them are experiencing.  It reminds me of the years that I spent wallowing in the "it's just not fair" or "no one is listening" pit of sadness.  I don't know that there's any way to avoid that pit when things are going badly or life is hard, but eventually, we do start to climb out and see that we grew so much from those experiences.  But it's hard to remember that as I read about friends who have lost family members or fellow bloggers who are still struggling in their hopes to have a family or simply knowing that some people are not in the place in their life that they wish they were.

We all wish we could just make it better - to fix it all and take away that sadness or frustration.  You know, I'm not one that's normally up for much in the realm of fantasy, but there's one particular poem that seems to fit right now - from J.R.R. Tolkien

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king. 

 

Remember: not all who wander are lost.  Thank you to my amazing and beautifully kind-hearted friends.  I don't say it enough, but I want you to know that you are loved and in my prayers always.