Broken Down

I should be able to handle this - after all, right now there is literally nothing to worry about.

But I can't.  And I'm falling apart.

I can't stop crying.  I feel as though I'm going to vomit all the time.

He's the strong one - not me.  I know this is so silly and stupid - especially in light of what others are dealing with or what we've gone through before...

But I'm not in control...that gosh-darned Bipolar mind has taken over. 

I've been manically scrubbing and cleaning.

Grading and organizing.

Researching and gathering.

I can't stop...but when I do it's the depression...

I could barely make it through classes today without crying.

I want to call in sick for a week and ball up in bed.

And it's not even me and it's not even anything "really" serious.

I hate my mind.  I hate that it f*&ks with me when I feel like I have it together.  I hate that I'm emotionally falling apart while my logic tells me that everything is ok.  I hate that I can't trust my mind and my feelings and my emotions.

I hate being bipolar.  I hate it.  I want to be normal - whatever that means.  I don't want to be OCD or have anxiety issues or mania or depression or anything else.  I just want to be me...whoever that is.