The past few weeks have been particular stressful, what with starting a new semester, getting everyone back on schedule, trying to figure out how to teach a new class (while only being in the second semester of another new one), and taking on this book deal. All of this is a lot for any mind to take on, but I think it's more difficult (yes, I'm going to make that claim) with the bipolar mind. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's not just the bipolar mind that makes my life difficult - it's the fact that I'm smart enough to observe my own madness as it happens. That, my friends, may be the ultimate in frustration.
Of course, that's not to say I think I'm mad or insane - at least, not at the moment :) But, knowing I was taking more stress on in my life and knowing that medication can only help me cope with so much, I decided to take the proactive yet, in my own experience, typically frustrating move of working with a cognitive behavioral therapist, I've got a lot on my mind after our initial session today. It's always hard to start with a new therapist because, of course, you have to go over absolutely all of your history for the umpteenth gazillionth time in your life and answer the same "deep and probing" questions that will allow them to examine your psyche and ultimately fix you. Right? Isn't that the goal? Won't I come out of this all shiny, new and cured? Ok, I know that's a bit snarky and cynical, but I've been on this little ferris wheel of frustration and know where it can lead, but I'm hoping for better results this time.
Specifically, I'm hoping for better ways to deal with my anxiety and stress. Over time, I've learned to spot my manias as they come on. I can't always stop them and I can't always make them go away, but I can at least put people around me on high alert so we can manage them in the best way possible. Now I have to figure out how to deal with the major anxiety issues that are once again rearing their ugly heads. Too often I find myself focusing on things that I shouldn't be and I simply can't turn those thoughts off or refocus them. And that is so frustrating that I could scream.
Case in point: my family. More specifically, my daughters. They're only young and want me around for so long. I only have so many years where I get to be the primary source of play and fun - only so many years where I'm still the good guy. I want to be able to focus my attention on them and live in the moment when I'm with them, yet too often I find my mind consumed with thoughts of the book or my online students or what I should do in class the next day. It's only natural that my mind should wander from time to time - I'm human. But it's happening too frequently and with too much intensity - and no matter how hard I try, I cannot refocus my thoughts or keep myself in the moment, and THAT is what is frustrating me.
As I said today, I'm observant enough to know when I'm not in control of my mind, but I can't do anything about it. And that is the most helpless and anxiety-inducing feeling of them all.
But that's why I'm seeking help, right? And that's why we'll work on those cognitive behavior strategies to start fixing the problems. And I'm not totally anti-therapy - I've done CBT before and it helped me get rid of a lot of my OCD ticks....man, am I totally screwy or what? But sometimes it just feels like there's this little person trapped in my mind who knows the right answers and right behaviors, but she can't get control...
I hope I can find a way to help her out.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
It's been a week...
Typically, the first week of the semester is always the longest week. I'm not sure why that is, but after the first week, the semester tends to fly by and, even though at times it may seem never-ending, inevitably we find ourselves at finals going "where the heck did that go?" Which is nice overall.
It's been an interesting week, however, because I have got quite a group. My online students seem overly enthusiastic, which is definitely a change of pace. That might be a good thing. On the other hand, my classes that meet in person are inordinately quiet and seem to have a mix of students with many problems or issues. I'm teaching one of the same classes I did last semester and one that is a lower level, so that is new for me, and it's absolutely astonishing to see how completely unprepared people can be for college. Nobody appears to be documented, but from watching them I would guess I have a wide range of different learning disabilities or other issues...but perhaps there are outside factors that I'm just not aware of yet. In any case, I took a different tactic this semester and approached the classes in a hard-core manner. I pounded them with homework and in-class work from day one - and they took it and ran with it. I have to say that I'm impressed. Now, of course, not everyone did. There are an alarming number of students who already have a failing grade in the class, but that's their choice - however, the number of students who have not only completed the work but who have done it quite well (I gave them some nasty assignments just to see what they could do) really blew me away. Nicely done, I must say. So I either have a real range of abilities in these classes or a real range of dedication...I'm going to say it's probably a mixture.
I also forgot how exhausting it is to be in the classroom. Funny how just a few weeks away makes you forget. And it's also that whole new group of students thing - there's a new performance aspect to the first few weeks of class. You have to kind of win them over to get them to trust you and want to participate. Part of what I want them to get from my class is that it's ok to fail - it's ok to ask questions or offer your answer and be wrong...and the only way to really get that atmosphere is to really perform and make it a fun and inviting atmosphere, which takes A LOT of work for a few weeks. Difficult for the introvert. Thankfully, the book contract hasn't come in the mail yet so I don't have any official obligations there and so I can come home and sort of collapse for a while. That's really helpful.
And now for what I really wanted to write about. I am SO PROUD of my husband right now. Those of you who know Brian know that he is a generous and kind person with some really terrible habits. He helps out tremendously with the girls and around the house, but he's not very active outside of that (and we all know that it's difficult because between work, kids, and house it's hard to be too much more active). He hates anything that is healthy in terms of food and has a major sweet tooth. Well, we had a discussion about how concerned I was about these habits and him passing them on to the kids when they were old enough to start observing them (as Katie is starting to) and he has done a 180. Not only is he cooking healthy meals every night, we no longer have any junk food in the house - a major change for him. After all, junk food is really his only vice - it's not like he drinks or has any other outlets. And, he has created a workout space for himself down in Hannibal Lector's basement where he has diligently worked out every single night. I am so proud of him. I know the hard part is keeping with the change, but the fact that he's stuck with it this long is really amazing.
And so, now I will enjoy the other really amazing thing about my job...my really long weekend. My life is truly blessed :)
It's been an interesting week, however, because I have got quite a group. My online students seem overly enthusiastic, which is definitely a change of pace. That might be a good thing. On the other hand, my classes that meet in person are inordinately quiet and seem to have a mix of students with many problems or issues. I'm teaching one of the same classes I did last semester and one that is a lower level, so that is new for me, and it's absolutely astonishing to see how completely unprepared people can be for college. Nobody appears to be documented, but from watching them I would guess I have a wide range of different learning disabilities or other issues...but perhaps there are outside factors that I'm just not aware of yet. In any case, I took a different tactic this semester and approached the classes in a hard-core manner. I pounded them with homework and in-class work from day one - and they took it and ran with it. I have to say that I'm impressed. Now, of course, not everyone did. There are an alarming number of students who already have a failing grade in the class, but that's their choice - however, the number of students who have not only completed the work but who have done it quite well (I gave them some nasty assignments just to see what they could do) really blew me away. Nicely done, I must say. So I either have a real range of abilities in these classes or a real range of dedication...I'm going to say it's probably a mixture.
I also forgot how exhausting it is to be in the classroom. Funny how just a few weeks away makes you forget. And it's also that whole new group of students thing - there's a new performance aspect to the first few weeks of class. You have to kind of win them over to get them to trust you and want to participate. Part of what I want them to get from my class is that it's ok to fail - it's ok to ask questions or offer your answer and be wrong...and the only way to really get that atmosphere is to really perform and make it a fun and inviting atmosphere, which takes A LOT of work for a few weeks. Difficult for the introvert. Thankfully, the book contract hasn't come in the mail yet so I don't have any official obligations there and so I can come home and sort of collapse for a while. That's really helpful.
And now for what I really wanted to write about. I am SO PROUD of my husband right now. Those of you who know Brian know that he is a generous and kind person with some really terrible habits. He helps out tremendously with the girls and around the house, but he's not very active outside of that (and we all know that it's difficult because between work, kids, and house it's hard to be too much more active). He hates anything that is healthy in terms of food and has a major sweet tooth. Well, we had a discussion about how concerned I was about these habits and him passing them on to the kids when they were old enough to start observing them (as Katie is starting to) and he has done a 180. Not only is he cooking healthy meals every night, we no longer have any junk food in the house - a major change for him. After all, junk food is really his only vice - it's not like he drinks or has any other outlets. And, he has created a workout space for himself down in Hannibal Lector's basement where he has diligently worked out every single night. I am so proud of him. I know the hard part is keeping with the change, but the fact that he's stuck with it this long is really amazing.
And so, now I will enjoy the other really amazing thing about my job...my really long weekend. My life is truly blessed :)
Friday, January 11, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
My further confliction
Subtitle...Monsignor should enroll in one of my writing courses.
Many of you will remember a previous post where I expressed my conflicted nature with the Catholic Church. Clearly, that has not changed. However, I was blessed to have a wonderful conversation with a person who I consider to be the embodiment of what a Christian should be, Dr. Jan Neuleib, over break and we had a long talk about the Catholic Church. She reassured me that I could still go to my Church and hold onto my religion and just understand that slow change may eventually come. But even if it doesn't, it's my heart and my beliefs that truly matter - not doctrine. That's what I take to heart.
I was, however, heartbroken to open our bulletin in church this past weekend. Many of you will dismiss our religion outright by what I reveal here, but please understand the conflicted nature this can create in those of us who truly believe in many of the tenets of the Church but believe that there are fundamental flaws that need to be fixed. As an academic, I am already a bit too willing to question my faith, but deep inside my core is the same person who believes in my faith with my heart and soul. I was raised in this faith from my birth and went to Catholic school and was raised in a very Catholic family. Even knowing what I do and questioning what I do, I make the conscious choice to send my child (and eventually, children) to a Catholic school) to learn these same beliefs. So to openly question and acknowledge how wrong some of them may seem does hurt my heart.
There were not only inserted handouts, but also personal memos from the Monsignor about two topics: Homosexual marriage and the new healthcare acts. I could expound for hours on the nuances of what truly bothered and upset me about these handouts and op-ed pieces, but let me give you the parts that truly hurt my heart.
1) If your workplace offers birth control to any person, you should choose a means of resistance that will create a significant disturbance. You should be fined for your beliefs or go to jail. Above all else, you should not simple accept the fact that your employer (or, if you own the business, that you) are now offer the option of birth control to others. Passive resistance is NOT an option.
2) Homosexual marriage is against nature. There is no proven natural existence of two members of the same sex copulating; therefore, our position is not that it should not happen but that clearly it is unnatural. It was stressed often that we do not support hate speech or violence against anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, and that we welcome those of a homosexual nature. However, it must be stressed that if you are homosexual, you must remain chaste.
*sigh*
I read that and wanted to vomit. And this was all before Mass even began.
Then, as I was wandering around in the entryway (since cryrooms are now a thing of the past and we must freeze our keesters off if we want to bring small children to Mass), I listened to a homily that meant well but made me want to scream. It was about how Catholics are leaving the church in the millions because they don't get anything from Mass. We're going to mega-churches or other denominations because we want something more.
So, rather than expound upon what was in the bulletin (which, he mentioned, we should read) or discuss the book he passed out after communion (I haven't gotten to it yet - I'll let you know), he talked about how from now on he'll talk about things that are more important to us and relevant to us so that we get things from Mass.
Which made me want to pull out my lesson from week two of class called "Don't tell me what you're going to do - DO IT!"
Brian, on the other hand, was of the mindset that it was good that he recognized this gap and was going to work toward fixing it.
Either way....my heart is heavy. I believe in the Holy Catholic Church at the core of its being and the Saints and Holy Mary and Jesus, God's only Son and in my God...but I believe we have taken a wrong turn. I can only hope we find our way.
Many of you will remember a previous post where I expressed my conflicted nature with the Catholic Church. Clearly, that has not changed. However, I was blessed to have a wonderful conversation with a person who I consider to be the embodiment of what a Christian should be, Dr. Jan Neuleib, over break and we had a long talk about the Catholic Church. She reassured me that I could still go to my Church and hold onto my religion and just understand that slow change may eventually come. But even if it doesn't, it's my heart and my beliefs that truly matter - not doctrine. That's what I take to heart.
I was, however, heartbroken to open our bulletin in church this past weekend. Many of you will dismiss our religion outright by what I reveal here, but please understand the conflicted nature this can create in those of us who truly believe in many of the tenets of the Church but believe that there are fundamental flaws that need to be fixed. As an academic, I am already a bit too willing to question my faith, but deep inside my core is the same person who believes in my faith with my heart and soul. I was raised in this faith from my birth and went to Catholic school and was raised in a very Catholic family. Even knowing what I do and questioning what I do, I make the conscious choice to send my child (and eventually, children) to a Catholic school) to learn these same beliefs. So to openly question and acknowledge how wrong some of them may seem does hurt my heart.
There were not only inserted handouts, but also personal memos from the Monsignor about two topics: Homosexual marriage and the new healthcare acts. I could expound for hours on the nuances of what truly bothered and upset me about these handouts and op-ed pieces, but let me give you the parts that truly hurt my heart.
1) If your workplace offers birth control to any person, you should choose a means of resistance that will create a significant disturbance. You should be fined for your beliefs or go to jail. Above all else, you should not simple accept the fact that your employer (or, if you own the business, that you) are now offer the option of birth control to others. Passive resistance is NOT an option.
2) Homosexual marriage is against nature. There is no proven natural existence of two members of the same sex copulating; therefore, our position is not that it should not happen but that clearly it is unnatural. It was stressed often that we do not support hate speech or violence against anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, and that we welcome those of a homosexual nature. However, it must be stressed that if you are homosexual, you must remain chaste.
*sigh*
I read that and wanted to vomit. And this was all before Mass even began.
Then, as I was wandering around in the entryway (since cryrooms are now a thing of the past and we must freeze our keesters off if we want to bring small children to Mass), I listened to a homily that meant well but made me want to scream. It was about how Catholics are leaving the church in the millions because they don't get anything from Mass. We're going to mega-churches or other denominations because we want something more.
So, rather than expound upon what was in the bulletin (which, he mentioned, we should read) or discuss the book he passed out after communion (I haven't gotten to it yet - I'll let you know), he talked about how from now on he'll talk about things that are more important to us and relevant to us so that we get things from Mass.
Which made me want to pull out my lesson from week two of class called "Don't tell me what you're going to do - DO IT!"
Brian, on the other hand, was of the mindset that it was good that he recognized this gap and was going to work toward fixing it.
Either way....my heart is heavy. I believe in the Holy Catholic Church at the core of its being and the Saints and Holy Mary and Jesus, God's only Son and in my God...but I believe we have taken a wrong turn. I can only hope we find our way.
Monday, January 7, 2013
A long time gone....
I know, but can you blame me?
A blog, much like other things in life, is best kept to regularly. Once you step away it becomes just another one of those things that is easily shifted to a back burner. You can just keep saying..."I'll get to that later.." And then it's later and you haven't gotten to it...but that's really just a nagging issue that is easily dealt with by reminding yourself that you can deal with it later.
Of course, I have very good reasons for stepping aside. As typing became a more difficult issue than it had been previously for me, for reasons that we will just not go into here, I had to focus on day to day life and simply surviving the semester. In addition to that, there was Hope's first birthday and the holidays to contend with - both of which were simultaneously lovely and very very stressful, as anything festive and full of family and friendly typically are. I feel like we never stopped to breathe or rest from November 17 until...well, now. As Katie returned to school today for the spring term and I finally look around an empty house and try to wrap my brain around the fact that I have to return to classes on Monday, I wonder where any of that lovely "break" actually went.
People always envy those of us in the college teaching profession for our breaks, and I'm not going to deny that they are a lovely bonus, but I don't know that I actually ever take much of a break. When you consider the first week of the "break" is spent grading and posting end of semester grades and fielding emails about those grades, that takes off one of those weeks. Then you have the week prior to the semester when you are trying to figure out the coming semester. That does still leave a very hefty two week break in between, but I can seldom get my brain to turn off - I often still find myself wondering about a grade or a comment or thinking about the assignments for the coming semester. It is still much nicer than sitting in an office for eight or nine hours a day, however.
In addition to the frenzy of holidays and travel, I spent a great deal of time working on the hinted about book deal that I spent most of the fall working on and stressing about. Let's recap:
1) Initial query from publisher.
2) Email interview
3) Phone interview
4) Written interview
5) Sample table of contents submitted
6) Sample of writing submitted (section of chapter - new)
7) Sample chapter submitted (completely new)
8) Sample chapter submitted (revised from existing material)
Offered job by publisher
Holy crap.
This, in an of itself, was completely unexpected and overwhelming. I had absolutely no idea how long this interview process was or how many people were in the running. I received feedback on my work, but it was of the rather banal, neutral variety which gave me no sense of how I was doing in the process. So, to be offered the job was mind-stoppingly insane.
As of right now, the contracts are in the mail on their way to my house.
Here's is what I know. We are starting with a one-year contract. I will revise/edit one book in the three book series for a flat fee (rather than negotiating for royalties and such). This will give both myself and the publishers a chance to see if we can work together and if I want to continue with the project. If all goes well, we will renegotiate for the three book series and continue on. Since each book needs to be revised approximately every three years, it's an ongoing project that never ends. It's definitely a new opportunity and an avenue I had never considered pursuing.
And I will still continue teaching. That's non-negotiable.
Apparently, we will start on the book once reviews are in - sometime in late January or early February (users and non-users of the book review the book to tell what they like/don't like/want/don't want in the new edition) and then the revisions need to be complete by about October, so this will be busy and new for me. I'm very nervous about it and very scared that I've taken on more than I can handle. I have no idea what I've taken on and just have to assume I can handle it. More than anything, I hope that I haven't screwed up my summer with the girls. They're paying me for 225 hours worth of work, however, which, as Brian has pointed out, is approximately 6 full weeks of work at a 40/hr a week job, so hopefully it's not so bad. The publisher did keep saying, however, when I met with her in Chicago, that "It's a lot of work." Brian thinks she was trying to oversell it so I didn't underestimate it.
We'll see.
A blog, much like other things in life, is best kept to regularly. Once you step away it becomes just another one of those things that is easily shifted to a back burner. You can just keep saying..."I'll get to that later.." And then it's later and you haven't gotten to it...but that's really just a nagging issue that is easily dealt with by reminding yourself that you can deal with it later.
Of course, I have very good reasons for stepping aside. As typing became a more difficult issue than it had been previously for me, for reasons that we will just not go into here, I had to focus on day to day life and simply surviving the semester. In addition to that, there was Hope's first birthday and the holidays to contend with - both of which were simultaneously lovely and very very stressful, as anything festive and full of family and friendly typically are. I feel like we never stopped to breathe or rest from November 17 until...well, now. As Katie returned to school today for the spring term and I finally look around an empty house and try to wrap my brain around the fact that I have to return to classes on Monday, I wonder where any of that lovely "break" actually went.
People always envy those of us in the college teaching profession for our breaks, and I'm not going to deny that they are a lovely bonus, but I don't know that I actually ever take much of a break. When you consider the first week of the "break" is spent grading and posting end of semester grades and fielding emails about those grades, that takes off one of those weeks. Then you have the week prior to the semester when you are trying to figure out the coming semester. That does still leave a very hefty two week break in between, but I can seldom get my brain to turn off - I often still find myself wondering about a grade or a comment or thinking about the assignments for the coming semester. It is still much nicer than sitting in an office for eight or nine hours a day, however.
In addition to the frenzy of holidays and travel, I spent a great deal of time working on the hinted about book deal that I spent most of the fall working on and stressing about. Let's recap:
1) Initial query from publisher.
2) Email interview
3) Phone interview
4) Written interview
5) Sample table of contents submitted
6) Sample of writing submitted (section of chapter - new)
7) Sample chapter submitted (completely new)
8) Sample chapter submitted (revised from existing material)
Offered job by publisher
Holy crap.
This, in an of itself, was completely unexpected and overwhelming. I had absolutely no idea how long this interview process was or how many people were in the running. I received feedback on my work, but it was of the rather banal, neutral variety which gave me no sense of how I was doing in the process. So, to be offered the job was mind-stoppingly insane.
As of right now, the contracts are in the mail on their way to my house.
Here's is what I know. We are starting with a one-year contract. I will revise/edit one book in the three book series for a flat fee (rather than negotiating for royalties and such). This will give both myself and the publishers a chance to see if we can work together and if I want to continue with the project. If all goes well, we will renegotiate for the three book series and continue on. Since each book needs to be revised approximately every three years, it's an ongoing project that never ends. It's definitely a new opportunity and an avenue I had never considered pursuing.
And I will still continue teaching. That's non-negotiable.
Apparently, we will start on the book once reviews are in - sometime in late January or early February (users and non-users of the book review the book to tell what they like/don't like/want/don't want in the new edition) and then the revisions need to be complete by about October, so this will be busy and new for me. I'm very nervous about it and very scared that I've taken on more than I can handle. I have no idea what I've taken on and just have to assume I can handle it. More than anything, I hope that I haven't screwed up my summer with the girls. They're paying me for 225 hours worth of work, however, which, as Brian has pointed out, is approximately 6 full weeks of work at a 40/hr a week job, so hopefully it's not so bad. The publisher did keep saying, however, when I met with her in Chicago, that "It's a lot of work." Brian thinks she was trying to oversell it so I didn't underestimate it.
We'll see.
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