The past few weeks have been particular stressful, what with starting a new semester, getting everyone back on schedule, trying to figure out how to teach a new class (while only being in the second semester of another new one), and taking on this book deal. All of this is a lot for any mind to take on, but I think it's more difficult (yes, I'm going to make that claim) with the bipolar mind. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's not just the bipolar mind that makes my life difficult - it's the fact that I'm smart enough to observe my own madness as it happens. That, my friends, may be the ultimate in frustration.
Of course, that's not to say I think I'm mad or insane - at least, not at the moment :) But, knowing I was taking more stress on in my life and knowing that medication can only help me cope with so much, I decided to take the proactive yet, in my own experience, typically frustrating move of working with a cognitive behavioral therapist, I've got a lot on my mind after our initial session today. It's always hard to start with a new therapist because, of course, you have to go over absolutely all of your history for the umpteenth gazillionth time in your life and answer the same "deep and probing" questions that will allow them to examine your psyche and ultimately fix you. Right? Isn't that the goal? Won't I come out of this all shiny, new and cured? Ok, I know that's a bit snarky and cynical, but I've been on this little ferris wheel of frustration and know where it can lead, but I'm hoping for better results this time.
Specifically, I'm hoping for better ways to deal with my anxiety and stress. Over time, I've learned to spot my manias as they come on. I can't always stop them and I can't always make them go away, but I can at least put people around me on high alert so we can manage them in the best way possible. Now I have to figure out how to deal with the major anxiety issues that are once again rearing their ugly heads. Too often I find myself focusing on things that I shouldn't be and I simply can't turn those thoughts off or refocus them. And that is so frustrating that I could scream.
Case in point: my family. More specifically, my daughters. They're only young and want me around for so long. I only have so many years where I get to be the primary source of play and fun - only so many years where I'm still the good guy. I want to be able to focus my attention on them and live in the moment when I'm with them, yet too often I find my mind consumed with thoughts of the book or my online students or what I should do in class the next day. It's only natural that my mind should wander from time to time - I'm human. But it's happening too frequently and with too much intensity - and no matter how hard I try, I cannot refocus my thoughts or keep myself in the moment, and THAT is what is frustrating me.
As I said today, I'm observant enough to know when I'm not in control of my mind, but I can't do anything about it. And that is the most helpless and anxiety-inducing feeling of them all.
But that's why I'm seeking help, right? And that's why we'll work on those cognitive behavior strategies to start fixing the problems. And I'm not totally anti-therapy - I've done CBT before and it helped me get rid of a lot of my OCD ticks....man, am I totally screwy or what? But sometimes it just feels like there's this little person trapped in my mind who knows the right answers and right behaviors, but she can't get control...
I hope I can find a way to help her out.
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