Life in Between

I'm not really in "real life" yet - I haven't started working and I don't have to (exactly) deal with those pressures yet (although my mind has been whirling and planning and I've been trying to start on those to get them done and off my plate), and so I'm in this in-between phase that is both absolutely perfect and perfectly miserable at the same time.

Ok - I know. I'm the one who blogged for years about wanting this child and being blessed - and I am. But that doesn't mean that everything is always perfect (although that would be pretty cool). I am dealing with some pretty severe post-partum depression issues right now, but that was expected. Since I am bipolar in "real life," post-partum is almost a given for me and I had to start taking meds the day I gave birth. Unfortunately, we haven't found the right combination yet, so I'm dealing with some of the unfortunate side effects of insomnia, depression, and panic attacks. I am meeting up with my doctor on Wednesday for a med check, so I'm hoping we will figure things out then; we tried to start on a low dose of only one medication to see how little it would take to make me a happy, functioning human being. Clearly, this isn't it ;)

It's also a bit weird to be home with Hope every day. I love it and I love spending time with her, but two things are making it harder than I anticipated. One: When I had Katie, it was April. We spent most of my maternity leave walking outside and laying in the backyard and enjoying vacation time with family. That doesn't happen so much in November. Of course, the holidays were an interesting distraction/diversion, but it always feels good to get home. So, while I'm happy we're home and settling in, I feel like I'm not doing enough for either Hope or myself. We read and play, but (supermom syndrome kicking in here) I feel like I should be doing more. I think it's also been very very different because I haven't been at work since September. I've been sitting at home for so long that I think I might have a bit of the "stir-crazies." Granted, it's nicer to be home with Hope than my contractions, but this is the longest I have ever gone without working and it's really weird.

All of that just makes me feel like I'm in an in-between land. I've been home to long for it to feel like maternity leave, but I know work is coming soon and it will be difficult to go back. I do know that when I do go back to work, it will be very hard, but I also know that I am a MUCH better mother when I am working and have a place to just go and be myself. So, I think things will start to even out then.

Hope continues to be amazing. She can almost hold her head up without any help and she is very curious and nosy. She sleeps very well at night and is a very good eater. We have just started seeing her smiles and they are absolutely amazing. Katie also adores her and constantly wants to hold her or sit with her or feed her. I am so glad that they are getting along and that they are happy together. It makes my heart so happy to see them together.

I also had my FINAL (for a year) appt. with the doctor. I do not have to take any more shots :) Woo-hoo!!! I do have to start an aspirin regimen and, apparently, I am now at a higher risk of stroke and heart attack due to this MTHFR thing. She suggested continuing the medic alert bracelet in case of surgery or car accident - I haven't decided on that yet, but since I do drive 45 min. each way to work, I probably should get one. She also told me that the pathology came back and they did remove my tubes, but that I am welcome to pursue in-vitro at any time. Uhm....no. That doesn't solve the whole MTHFR nasty pregnancy thing, so I think if there are more children, we will have to figure out where to get the money to adopt.

In all, things are going very well. Hope will be eight weeks old this week and I just can't believe how quickly the time has gone. I feel like she's always been here and been a part of our lives. Everything just feels complete now. So even though I get my "bad mommy" feelings and anxiety issues, I'm still very pleased with where we are and what we have accomplished.

There is just one thing I would like to share with you. I cannot take credit for this photo - a fellow blogger (www.cradlesandgraves.com) took it. I had to turn in my needles monthly, so I couldn't accomplish something this grand. Take a look at just a small fraction of what went into keeping Hope healthy for nine months (not counting additional meds, ER visits, etc).
This is 491 needles. My grand total ended up being 480, so I'm not quite this impressive, but it's still fascinating just the same.

My belly is thankful to not see them every morning anymore ;)