Learning, Growing, Changing....

So much has happened over the past year that I am only now beginning to process a lot of it - what it meant, why it happened, how it happened, and what I learned from it all.

*  I learned that bed rest was probably a really good thing for me and my family.  It made me settle down and process the coming changes and prepare mentally (although it was physically very uncomfortable).  Katie had to learn how to play without me and to do a lot of things on her own.  I honestly think this has made her adjustment to Hope so much easier because she felt more grown up and more of an independent person who understood that the baby needed more help.  When I look at my little four year old and watch her dress herself, put her toys away, make her bed, put dishes away and get snacks and food, diapers and wipes - well, I don't know what I do without all of  her help.

* I learned that you have to ask for help and you can't do it alone.  When you do, you're stressed out and it just doesn't work.  You become isolated and unhappy, but the guilt is so overpowering you can't find your way out.  Again, this was another way bed rest helped a lot.  I had to have everyone do everything for me.  We had to ask others to help around the house and with Katie.  We had to have a lot of help and we're not ones to ask...but we learned that we needed to.

* Which brings me to - remembering to still ask for help.  At the start of the summer, we were still trying to do it all ourselves.  And then my friend reminded me that she wanted to help and wanted to watch the girls.  All of a sudden, we had an hour and a half a week to spend on our own enjoying playing softball and being active without having to worry about the girls.  And the girls loved playing with my friend.  It was a total win/win (BTW - we totally sucked this season but pulled out a win in our tournament game last night and ended up playing back to back games...it was hot...we had no extra females...and I am now very tired).

* I'd forgotten about taking the time for me.  I stay up an hour later at night to read.  That, alone, has been a lifesaver and a sanity saver.  I got a new bike that I have been riding (until this most recent heat wave slammed us again), and I'm really looking forward to taking it out, both with and without the girls, in the fall.  I've been jogging and playing softball.  Today, in fact, I am so sore in my calves that "hobbling" would be a generous adjective to use.  But I'm making me a better me.  I need to remember to continue to take an hour for myself to be active so I'm happy.

* Playing at the pool is not a chore - it's fun.  Watching the sheer joy on Hope's face as she sits and splashes in the water or watching Katie swim in her floaty suit and demonstrate her glides and bobs is amazing.

* Gummy smiles are beautiful.  Gap toothed smiles are just as beautiful.  Giggles and belly laughter are always amazing.

* Crawling makes life a bit more complicated.  Two moving children, one of whom can't really listen or follow directions, is challenging.  But it's so awesome to watch Hope crawl over to play with her sister...and to see her sister want to play with her.

* No matter whether it's MaMa, Mamma, Momma, Mommy, Mom, or Mother - it's the most beautiful word in the world.

* I have to admit to a bit of sadness...due to the complicated nature of pregnancy and pregnancy loss, I have had to leave the IComeLeaveWe community of bloggers.  This was the first place that I found the love and support that I needed to continue on my own path.  While I still want to remain connected to that community and still follow many blogs, I feel that posting my own blog is unfair and unfeeling....I will miss such a wonderful community of women.

* Work will be there.  Tomorrow and the next day.  Students will always continue everything an emergency.  I'm the teacher; I can make exceptions, extensions or changes.  It'll be there tomorrow.

* It does really take two people to handle two kids.  All those thoughts I ever had about three now seem asinine.  I don't know what I'd do without a partner - even if it's just someone to lean on at the end of the day and groan in exhaustion.  We all need someone to lean on :)

When I look at all the blessings God has given me in my life, I cannot help but feel humbled.  How did I deserve so many wonderful blessings and so many wonderful people in my life?  My friends, my family, my community - everyone around me contributes to who I am and how I grow as a person.  I can clearly see now how God created so much difficulty and pain in my life so that I could learn to grow as a person.  I had to learn to be less selfish, less judgmental, more patient, and more loving.  How can we ever deny that God is guiding our lives when the lessons become so very clear?