Back to reality

So...I go back to work on Monday.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I don't know how I feel about it.

On the one hand, I am ENORMOUSLY lucky to be working where I do in the field I'm in. Although I work so many hours a day grading papers, coming up with assignments, and answering emails (I honestly can't count - sometimes I feel like I work 24 hours a day), I only have to be on campus for a few hours a week. This is truly a blessing. Somehow, I have to find a way to leave work at work - if that means a few more hours spent in the office grading and answering emails, then I have to do that. I have to begin to really separate work from home. It's important. I worked so very hard to have this family and I can't always be saying, "just one more email" or "let me assess one more draft." I have to be able to find some separation.

That makes me nervous. I'm REALLY not good at saying no. I feel as though "no" is a weakness and that it makes me less valuable than all those childless people who say yes. While my profession is truly wonderful for a working mom, the unfortunate reality is that, particularly in my field, most people choose not to have children because it interferes with their research and work. This sort of doubles up on top of the dissertation director who dropped me because I wanted to "waste" my PhD on community college students.

Obviously, I feel that the community college student is important, but I teach mostly developmental classes and I often feel as though I leave a lot of myself with them. They have such emotional and amazing stories of how they even came to be in my classroom that I feel the least I can do is answer the emails that come at midnight. I have to stop feeling that way. I CAN be a good teacher without being available 24 hours a day. This will, however, be tricky since I am teaching three online classes (students in an online class assume you work 24/7).

I think I'm looking forward to work because I miss that part of myself and I've never been off for this long. I took Hope in on Wednesday so we could try to find my desk under the load of crap that's been dumped on it and it was nice but scary. It was nice because it felt normal - like I had never left. It was scary because I know the obligations I feel go along with my students.

So, I will enjoy this last day...I will snuggle with my girls and try not to think about it. It will all be ok, but I was hard to figure out the first time. I hope it's not quite as hard this time, but I'm sure there will be adjustment and guilt (as there always is for working moms). Sometimes I think that being a mom, working or not, is the hardest job ever. If you don't work, there are many assumptions people put on you that can make you feel bad. If you do work, well, same deal. It often feels like you can't win. I know that this time around, I hope to be "good enough." I'm not going to be perfect and I'm not even going to try. I am going to be a good teacher who helps her students but is there for her daughters. That is good enough for me right now.