The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

It's a subject that comes up from time to time, but probably deserves (much more) than it's own post.  What is the hardest thing you've ever done?  I think about everything: having kids, not having kids, medical and mental health issues, pursuing degrees and advanced degrees, getting a job, etc.

The hardest thing I've ever done is be married.

Not get married.  Not being in love.  Not living with each other.  Be married - daily.  Every day for ever and ever.

People tell you it's hard, but they don't really tell you how hard.  It's not a matter of love or companionship or working together - it's so much more.  How do you wake up and have the same person around each and every day and keep things ok?  How do you continue to actively love the other?  How do you keep it from being repetitive or routine?  Those are all the big questions that I keep coming back to lately.

This comes to my mind for a very particular reason.  I was just watching my husband clean up the front room the other night and stopped to think about how much he does for me.  My husband does the shopping, cooking, and cleaning.  He pays the bills.  He repairs things and makes sure I have gas in my car. I know there are a lot of people out there who would kill for this - or even just one of these things, yet I take it for granted on a daily basis.

He wants me to focus on the things that are important to me.  He wants me to spend time with friends I rarely see.  He wants me to have enough time to work on my classes and help my students because he knows how important that is to me.  He wants me to play with the girls and read to them and go to their activities with them because he knows how hard I worked for this family.  He also understands that my job is different - I don't work 8-5 like most people - my hours are scattered throughout the 24 hour day.  I take on additional assignments for extra cash and I'm the big earner in the house - all of which he respects by taking on additional housework.

So, why do I say marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done?  Because I don't always take the time to realize how much he does for me.  We don't always remember to hug or kiss before leaving for the day.  We often hang up the phone with a cursory "love you" because there are other things going on that we're thinking about.  When we collapse at the end of the day, we don't take time to talk or spend time together or be together.

Because it takes work.  And don't tell me it doesn't.  If you don't work at it, then something else is going on there.  It takes work to recognize all the wonderful things that this other person does for you.  It takes work to stop and take a moment to give a hug or kiss.  It takes work to remember to stop, pause, and really mean "I love you" when you say it.  Work isn't a bad thing, but it is something that we tend to neglect or forget with everything else going on in life.

Not everything in life that is hard is bad.  Hard can be good - and in this case, it is.  We've been working at this for almost eleven years now and we're still finding new ways that we need to stop and think or figure things out.  I don't think that ever stops.  So, while it's the hardest thing I've ever done, it's also the most important.  Without my husband, I would not have my house or car.  (I would live in an apartment of some kind and would never have dared buy myself a car this nice).  I would not have a partner who helped me through graduate school and supported me during the agonizing job search and PhD process.  I would not have my two darling girls.  And I would not have my best friend.

It's good to take to remember that that's what he's always been above all else - my best friend.  It's worth the work.