Coming to Terms

I will never, ever complain about my life right now - I honestly have everything (and more) than I could have ever asked for.

That said, I do need to mourn a minute.  I need to mourn the dream I had of that family with three children.  This is the family that I always saw in my future, and, of course, now there is absolutely no way that will happen biologically.

I like to think that if it is meant to happen, we will adopt one day.  But maybe two is enough.  At this point, I don't know and I don't need to know.

But it is so hard to look at Hope and see how much bigger she is day after day.  To see that beautiful gummy grin and to know, any moment, there will be teeth in there...

To watch her roll over and know she'll be scooting, rolling, or crawling any time...

To give her cereal and baby food and know that our time with the bottle is ending...

I know that every stage of having a child is sweet and wonderful in its own way.  But, in many ways, I wish I wasn't as aware as I am.  I wish I didn't know that this was it - that these were my only two biological children.  I wish we had not made that choice...but, at the same time, I know it was the only correct choice to make.

I know we'll have another baby if we're meant to.  And I know that a year ago, I just prayed to have one more child, so now I sound incredibly greedy.  I'm not...but I feel I should be able to mourn that dream I've always had.

I don't want to hold my children in suspended animation - I want them to grow up, but at the same time, time is a beautiful and terrible thing.  Every day is more precious, but it is one day closer to the time where they don't want or need you.

But I won't think about that.  I will think about my husband and two precious babies...and my three amazing angels who have made this all possible.