Battling Organized Religion

I'm a Catholic.

Yup, I said it.  Can I say I'm a "practicing Catholic?"  I don't know.  But at so many moments in my life, I have found myself at odds with the Catholic religion...never more so than right now.  And it troubles me deep down to my core. 

To begin, let's get a bit of background here:

I grew up in a very "guilty" Catholic house.  What does that mean?  It means we do what we're supposed to because, if not, you'll go to Hell.  This involved NEVER skipping Mass (you had to be chucking toes up), fasting for an hour prior to Mass, no meat on Fridays, etc.  My brothers and I went to Catholic school throughout kindergarten and primary school.  We had all the sacraments we were eligible for (Baptism, First Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation, and Marriage).  I had a full Catholic Mass for my wedding even though I was unsure about it (many in attendance were not practicing or Catholic).  My grandparents on my father's side are RELIGIOUS - my grandmother was sent to a convent at 15 and stayed there until she realized it wasn't the right path for her.

I love spirituality and I love faith.  I love God and Jesus.  I love being a part of a religious community.  But, increasingly, it appears that my community does not want me.  And I'm very torn.

First of all, while I was on bed rest in the fall, the Mass changed.  Not in huge ways, but in enough subtle ways and in enough prayers, responses, and actions that I now feel like a stranger in the one place I was usually comfortable.  There was something so reassuring and comforting in the rote responses and actions.  Some people may argue and say that you should be thinking about them and being an active participant, but I always felt it was more like meditation - a zone I could sink into and be peaceful.

Now I can't.  Every time I start to get into that zone, I say a wrong response or do a wrong action and it jars me.  It's very frustrating and I just can't pick up on it.  I know this happened before to people when the Mass went from Latin to English, but this is not dramatic enough - it's too subtle for me to remember.

But more than that...

There have been many articles in our bulletin about current issues - gay marriage, abortion, etc.  The new one, of course, is birth control.  A few weeks ago there was a double sided yellow handout in our bulletin that really hurt me. 

It was all about birth control - about how if you even work for a company that has a health insurance carrier that provides birth control, you are guilty.  How every employer is being forced to provide this immoral substance to others.

And I realize...in the eyes of the Catholic Church, I am going to Hell.  More so than I ever was before with birth control, I committed the ultimate sin: I had a tubal ligation.  Had I gone to St. Joe's to deliver, they would not have even performed the procedure. 

I knew this.  I thought about it.  But it wasn't until they came out with guns blazing with this handout that I realized how seriously this church thinks I've f*&ked up.

The God I know and love would, I'm sure, want me to be with my girls as they grow up.  He would want me to be a partner to my husband and a daughter and a sister.  Pregnancy and children aren't even the issue - the issue is that if I would unknowingly become pregnant at this point, there's a good likelihood it could kill me before we figured it out. 

But I can't bring myself to sit in church and know this is the common feeling or position of my religion.  I now feel like an outcast who doesn't belong.  And it makes me sad.  Being an academic, I've always fought and internally struggled with religion, but this feels like the first time religion fought back - and it feels like a sucker punch.

But more than anything...it makes me sad.  Religion should be love and acceptance - not rules, hatred, and distance.