Damn

As is the life in bipolar land...the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction.

We have reached the zone of depression.  God I love this disorder.  In it's predictability, it is frustrating in the extreme because you know what is going to come...yet you know not when.

All those months and months of terrible anxiety...all those days of wanting to chew my fingers off waiting for feedback and news...all those nights lying awake awaiting news...they've all led to this moment.  I suppose in a way I knew it was coming, but it's been so long since my manias have led to a true depression that I pushed it to the back of my mind.  I assumed I was immune.  After so many manias and fighting off so much anxiety, I assumed there woudn't be that downward spiral that should typically follow that mania.  I assumed I was safe and that controlling the anxieyt and the mania would be enough.

Well, we all know what assuming make us, don't we?

Damn.. That's all I have to say.

A couple of weeks ago, at the height of my mania and anxiety, I met again with my doctor because it was simply too terrible.  I couldn't deal with the daily anxiety and hyped up energy that was pent up inside of me.  Being a person who teaches communication and who tries to teach my students how to be good communicators, I'm having a great deal of difficulty dealing with a publisher who goes into complete radio silence.  I mean, when we discussed what changes she'd like me to make (let's remember those helpful comments I received - "work on" chapter 2), that was the last I heard from her.  I sent her two chapters and a table of contents over three weeks ago.  I've heard nothing.

No - "thanks - got it."

No - "waiting on delayed reviews."

No - "be with you in a couple weeks."

Literally, I have heard nothing.

For a person who generally deals with free floating anxiety, OCD, and other issues, this is a worst case scenario.  I don't even want to tell you want scenarios my mind has come up with to dwell on and worry about in the mean-time.

Each day that passes is another day that brings three different feelings:
1)  what's wrong?
2) when will it come and how much will it entail?
3) thank God!

But, after the sleep deprivation of this week and the anxiety that has been a pretty stable constant in my life since I landed this job in December, I think I crashed about mid-last week.  And I crashed hard.

It's difficult to get out of bed..or teach...or care.  And I know I need to and I know it's just the depression swing of the whole bipolar lifestyle and that it will swing back to normal here very soon.

But it sucks.

And having my kids be sick and being stuck in the house all weekend while they're driving each other (and, subsequently, us, up the wall) is not helping.

I need to get out of bed and function.  I need to teach my classes and enjoy it.  I need to have fun with my kids.  I need to pull out of this.

And I need to quit posting depressing blog posts.

Damn winter....you suck.