Still waiting.
No word.
I have absolutely no idea when I will hear anything about this book.
At this point, I think I may have almost reached a point where I've made peace with the fact that comments and ideas are coming and have come to a place where I'm ready for them. Perhaps I have swung around full circle and made it to a good place. Maybe enough time has passed that I've gone through the mania and the depression and made it to a nice neutral space where I'll be able to handle the feedback and comments in a calm and rational manner.
Or, maybe I'll still get them and totally freak out and have no idea how to handle them.
In any case, we talked to our tax guy yesterday and tried to figure out the different ways we'll deal with this next year. At the moment, we'll be calling it "extra income," however, if I continue to do it in the future and royalties become part of the deal, and they're significant in any way, then I think we'll have to start calling me a "small business owner." This whole thing just becomes weirder and weirder every day.
In other news, there are a couple of shows coming up at the community theater that I've been thinking about doing. One is clearly a better fit than the other, but there's conditions to both. One is a lab show, which means it runs for only one weekend and has a rehearsal schedule of just a bit over a month. Obviously, this would be a better fit because it isn't a huge time commitment. The problem is that I have a conference in the middle which would require me to be gone for a week, so we'll have to see if the directory is cool with that. This would be a review show, so that would be nice as well - just a collection of songs - no real plot or show to speak of.
The other would be an actual show - The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. We'd be looking at about 8 weeks of rehearsal and three weekends for the show. It's a small cast - I think about a dozen people - which would be nice and might allow for fewer rehearsals, but it's a bigger commitment which could drive me crazy with the book. I'm not entirely sure if I should even think about this one, but if the first one doesn't work out, I'm seriously considering it. I know I need to do something that gets me out of the house and that isn't work related, but I'm afraid of overloading myself and being stressed out....
It's just the damn not knowing of this book. I know I'll have to have a draft done by June 15 and with each passing day that deadline gets closer, yet I have nothing to work on.
Also, don't hate me, but I wish we'd have the winter storm they're predicting for Thursday (although it looks less likely by the day). Katie desperately wants to go sledding and hasn't been able to. I don't want any more than one day of snow (or one weekend at most), but this would be a nice time for it.
Breathe in - breathe out. I'm getting there.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Damn
As is the life in bipolar land...the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction.
We have reached the zone of depression. God I love this disorder. In it's predictability, it is frustrating in the extreme because you know what is going to come...yet you know not when.
All those months and months of terrible anxiety...all those days of wanting to chew my fingers off waiting for feedback and news...all those nights lying awake awaiting news...they've all led to this moment. I suppose in a way I knew it was coming, but it's been so long since my manias have led to a true depression that I pushed it to the back of my mind. I assumed I was immune. After so many manias and fighting off so much anxiety, I assumed there woudn't be that downward spiral that should typically follow that mania. I assumed I was safe and that controlling the anxieyt and the mania would be enough.
Well, we all know what assuming make us, don't we?
Damn.. That's all I have to say.
A couple of weeks ago, at the height of my mania and anxiety, I met again with my doctor because it was simply too terrible. I couldn't deal with the daily anxiety and hyped up energy that was pent up inside of me. Being a person who teaches communication and who tries to teach my students how to be good communicators, I'm having a great deal of difficulty dealing with a publisher who goes into complete radio silence. I mean, when we discussed what changes she'd like me to make (let's remember those helpful comments I received - "work on" chapter 2), that was the last I heard from her. I sent her two chapters and a table of contents over three weeks ago. I've heard nothing.
No - "thanks - got it."
No - "waiting on delayed reviews."
No - "be with you in a couple weeks."
Literally, I have heard nothing.
For a person who generally deals with free floating anxiety, OCD, and other issues, this is a worst case scenario. I don't even want to tell you want scenarios my mind has come up with to dwell on and worry about in the mean-time.
Each day that passes is another day that brings three different feelings:
1) what's wrong?
2) when will it come and how much will it entail?
3) thank God!
But, after the sleep deprivation of this week and the anxiety that has been a pretty stable constant in my life since I landed this job in December, I think I crashed about mid-last week. And I crashed hard.
It's difficult to get out of bed..or teach...or care. And I know I need to and I know it's just the depression swing of the whole bipolar lifestyle and that it will swing back to normal here very soon.
But it sucks.
And having my kids be sick and being stuck in the house all weekend while they're driving each other (and, subsequently, us, up the wall) is not helping.
I need to get out of bed and function. I need to teach my classes and enjoy it. I need to have fun with my kids. I need to pull out of this.
And I need to quit posting depressing blog posts.
Damn winter....you suck.
We have reached the zone of depression. God I love this disorder. In it's predictability, it is frustrating in the extreme because you know what is going to come...yet you know not when.
All those months and months of terrible anxiety...all those days of wanting to chew my fingers off waiting for feedback and news...all those nights lying awake awaiting news...they've all led to this moment. I suppose in a way I knew it was coming, but it's been so long since my manias have led to a true depression that I pushed it to the back of my mind. I assumed I was immune. After so many manias and fighting off so much anxiety, I assumed there woudn't be that downward spiral that should typically follow that mania. I assumed I was safe and that controlling the anxieyt and the mania would be enough.
Well, we all know what assuming make us, don't we?
Damn.. That's all I have to say.
A couple of weeks ago, at the height of my mania and anxiety, I met again with my doctor because it was simply too terrible. I couldn't deal with the daily anxiety and hyped up energy that was pent up inside of me. Being a person who teaches communication and who tries to teach my students how to be good communicators, I'm having a great deal of difficulty dealing with a publisher who goes into complete radio silence. I mean, when we discussed what changes she'd like me to make (let's remember those helpful comments I received - "work on" chapter 2), that was the last I heard from her. I sent her two chapters and a table of contents over three weeks ago. I've heard nothing.
No - "thanks - got it."
No - "waiting on delayed reviews."
No - "be with you in a couple weeks."
Literally, I have heard nothing.
For a person who generally deals with free floating anxiety, OCD, and other issues, this is a worst case scenario. I don't even want to tell you want scenarios my mind has come up with to dwell on and worry about in the mean-time.
Each day that passes is another day that brings three different feelings:
1) what's wrong?
2) when will it come and how much will it entail?
3) thank God!
But, after the sleep deprivation of this week and the anxiety that has been a pretty stable constant in my life since I landed this job in December, I think I crashed about mid-last week. And I crashed hard.
It's difficult to get out of bed..or teach...or care. And I know I need to and I know it's just the depression swing of the whole bipolar lifestyle and that it will swing back to normal here very soon.
But it sucks.
And having my kids be sick and being stuck in the house all weekend while they're driving each other (and, subsequently, us, up the wall) is not helping.
I need to get out of bed and function. I need to teach my classes and enjoy it. I need to have fun with my kids. I need to pull out of this.
And I need to quit posting depressing blog posts.
Damn winter....you suck.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
My Long Week
I know I've shared this before, but this has been yet another week where I feel that I can best use my favorite phrase from an older TV show, "The Drew Carey Show" -
"I'm Drew Carey - God's hackey-sack."
Sometimes in life, this feels far more applicable than others and this has just been one of those weeks.
It all started on Friday when Brian brought the girls home from daycare and Hope was sounding rough. She was congested and her cough really didn't sound good - more wheezy and gaspy than a traditional cough. So, knowing that we were fast approaching the weekend, we gathered up our things and high-tailed it for the walk-in clinic to see a doctor before the 6:00 deadline. Once there, we found she had a very low grade fever and an ear infection. The doctor said her lungs were clear, but that he'd give her some amoxicillan so that way even if there was something bothering her lungs, the antibiotic should take care of both issues.
Saturday, the girls were due to spend the night at Brian's parents' house - and we were finally due to have an evening to ourselves (something that we haven't had in...oh...well, let's just say I can't remember when). I was concerned because Hope hadn't sounded good and I was reluctant to let her go, but after a nap and a few doses of her medicine, she seemed to be in good spirits and as good as she would be with or without us. Their plan was just to have dinner at home and bake cookies, so it seemed to be a no harm plan, and we desperately needed the break, so we let them go with the warning that she needed plenty of rest and fluids.
On Sunday, she again seemed to be in good spirits and pretty good. A bit of a cough, but nothing much, and not much appetite. However, when we got home later that evening, she started having violent coughing fits and couldn't catch her breath. Then, when she was sitting with me, she sounded like she was having a difficult time breathing. So, I called the doctor's line and they told me to take her to the E.R. Brian and I went back and forth for about an hour on whether or not this was necessary. He claims I did not say that the nurse said we had to go to the E.R. - apparently, he heard that we were supposed to watch for certain things and then go. I heard the nurse say that we needed to be checked out and needed to go at that point. In any case, after finally clearing up our communication issues, we went.
It was a looooooooooooooooooooooong night. There really aren't enough "o"s for that. It was abnormally hot and stuffy in there and we were in a room right by the entry doors and had no curtain or door to our room. Hope couldn't walk around, nor was the bed big enough for her to lay comfortably as she squirmed. There were very few nurses on duty and apparently one doctor, so they were completely short stafffed (I know this is a typical problem, but not usually one we run into - this hospital usually has wonderful service, so it was sadly frustrating). They checked her out (she screamed); got her x-rayed (pathetic and she screamed); gave her a nebulizer treatment (she screamed); and gave her a popsicle she wouldn't eat and gatorade and milk she wouldn't really drink and determined that she had a haze in her lungs that looked like a virus. At this point, apparently someone in a nearby room crashed (we heard a code blue of some kind) and people came running from all over the hospital and we waited for a few hours as they had to stabilize that patient and the, apparently life-flight them out. While frustrating, understandable...but my daughter was screaming and I was tired and hot. At about 1am (we got there about 8), they gave us a new antibiotic and discharged us with the diagnosis of ear infection with possible bronchial virus. At this point, I still had to drive across town to the one 24 hour pharmacy to fill that prescription...drive around for 15 minutes while they filled it...and then drive home. About 2:30am we made it home and to bed.
The next day, Hope was still in good spirits and wanting to play - tired but in a good mood. But there was no eating or drinking. And no wet diapers. Not even from over night. We fought this battle all morning until I called Brian in frustration and had him come home at 1. I went to sleep and he took over. He apparently called the doctor at this point who had him come in; dehydration and RSV were finally diagnosed and Hope was then admitted to the hospital.
I never want to do that again. Brian would have stayed with her, but there's no way I could have left her. Thankfully, she had a private room with her own cage to sleep in - an honest to God, floor to ceiling metal cage - and a super-comfy (not) cot for me. She had to keep a pulse-oxygen meter on her foot the whole time she was there, so she really couldn't walk around (try keeping a 1 year old still) and she was hooked to an IV the whole time (super traumatic - 3 nurses and I had to hold her down, and when she pulled it out halfway through the night, we had to do it again. And this is not a short process - they have to put numbing cream on them first, and this has to sit for 30-60 minutes prior to inserting the IV; I'd say the cream pissed her off more than the IV. But it was more frustrating to know that when she pulled the IV out at 10pm that we would have to wait for them to call the doctor for orders to put it back in, then sit with the cream for another hour, and then put the damn thing back in - again, a long night). All she wanted to do was yank on the tubes and run around. It was more exhausting trying to keep her still than anything else.
Above all, it was worth it to see the change the fluids made in her - just the change from early evening to early morning was amazing. Her fever disappeared and she started eating once she had a bag and a half of fluid in her. And her mood went from good to really happy. It was nice to see her feeling so much better. But it's true - no one sleeps well in a hospital - no matter how old your are or what the circumstances, and I don't want to go back there any time soon. I am happy that it was a simple matter like dehydration. When I looked at the board and saw all the other reasons people were there or when I think about the people I know and the experiences they have been through, I have a completely new understanding and appreciation for just how hard that is for them and just how strong they are. I think that this week was a way of putting a lot of things in perspective for me and a way of showing me how to set some limits and priorities, so in that way it was really good.
In any case, we're all home and relatively healthy. Katie may be coming down with that flu bug, but we're going to hope it's just some exhuastion after a hectic week. Hope is still trying to catch up on her sleep, as are the rest of us, and is still not back to full health. We're watching her eating and drinking - she's still not quite up to par - and her cough is still nasty, but she's improving. We do need to figure out ways to get her to drink. She's a milk girl - which is a good thing; typically you don't want sugar, but we can't ever get her to drink other things. No juice, water, gatorade, pedialyte, soda - no jello, popsicles - nothing that hydrates. Some fruits. We need to figure this out before summer because I am not doing this again.
In any case, our Valentine's present to each other is sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. Like by 8pm tonight sleep. And I love it - best present ever :)
"I'm Drew Carey - God's hackey-sack."
Sometimes in life, this feels far more applicable than others and this has just been one of those weeks.
It all started on Friday when Brian brought the girls home from daycare and Hope was sounding rough. She was congested and her cough really didn't sound good - more wheezy and gaspy than a traditional cough. So, knowing that we were fast approaching the weekend, we gathered up our things and high-tailed it for the walk-in clinic to see a doctor before the 6:00 deadline. Once there, we found she had a very low grade fever and an ear infection. The doctor said her lungs were clear, but that he'd give her some amoxicillan so that way even if there was something bothering her lungs, the antibiotic should take care of both issues.
Saturday, the girls were due to spend the night at Brian's parents' house - and we were finally due to have an evening to ourselves (something that we haven't had in...oh...well, let's just say I can't remember when). I was concerned because Hope hadn't sounded good and I was reluctant to let her go, but after a nap and a few doses of her medicine, she seemed to be in good spirits and as good as she would be with or without us. Their plan was just to have dinner at home and bake cookies, so it seemed to be a no harm plan, and we desperately needed the break, so we let them go with the warning that she needed plenty of rest and fluids.
On Sunday, she again seemed to be in good spirits and pretty good. A bit of a cough, but nothing much, and not much appetite. However, when we got home later that evening, she started having violent coughing fits and couldn't catch her breath. Then, when she was sitting with me, she sounded like she was having a difficult time breathing. So, I called the doctor's line and they told me to take her to the E.R. Brian and I went back and forth for about an hour on whether or not this was necessary. He claims I did not say that the nurse said we had to go to the E.R. - apparently, he heard that we were supposed to watch for certain things and then go. I heard the nurse say that we needed to be checked out and needed to go at that point. In any case, after finally clearing up our communication issues, we went.
It was a looooooooooooooooooooooong night. There really aren't enough "o"s for that. It was abnormally hot and stuffy in there and we were in a room right by the entry doors and had no curtain or door to our room. Hope couldn't walk around, nor was the bed big enough for her to lay comfortably as she squirmed. There were very few nurses on duty and apparently one doctor, so they were completely short stafffed (I know this is a typical problem, but not usually one we run into - this hospital usually has wonderful service, so it was sadly frustrating). They checked her out (she screamed); got her x-rayed (pathetic and she screamed); gave her a nebulizer treatment (she screamed); and gave her a popsicle she wouldn't eat and gatorade and milk she wouldn't really drink and determined that she had a haze in her lungs that looked like a virus. At this point, apparently someone in a nearby room crashed (we heard a code blue of some kind) and people came running from all over the hospital and we waited for a few hours as they had to stabilize that patient and the, apparently life-flight them out. While frustrating, understandable...but my daughter was screaming and I was tired and hot. At about 1am (we got there about 8), they gave us a new antibiotic and discharged us with the diagnosis of ear infection with possible bronchial virus. At this point, I still had to drive across town to the one 24 hour pharmacy to fill that prescription...drive around for 15 minutes while they filled it...and then drive home. About 2:30am we made it home and to bed.
The next day, Hope was still in good spirits and wanting to play - tired but in a good mood. But there was no eating or drinking. And no wet diapers. Not even from over night. We fought this battle all morning until I called Brian in frustration and had him come home at 1. I went to sleep and he took over. He apparently called the doctor at this point who had him come in; dehydration and RSV were finally diagnosed and Hope was then admitted to the hospital.
I never want to do that again. Brian would have stayed with her, but there's no way I could have left her. Thankfully, she had a private room with her own cage to sleep in - an honest to God, floor to ceiling metal cage - and a super-comfy (not) cot for me. She had to keep a pulse-oxygen meter on her foot the whole time she was there, so she really couldn't walk around (try keeping a 1 year old still) and she was hooked to an IV the whole time (super traumatic - 3 nurses and I had to hold her down, and when she pulled it out halfway through the night, we had to do it again. And this is not a short process - they have to put numbing cream on them first, and this has to sit for 30-60 minutes prior to inserting the IV; I'd say the cream pissed her off more than the IV. But it was more frustrating to know that when she pulled the IV out at 10pm that we would have to wait for them to call the doctor for orders to put it back in, then sit with the cream for another hour, and then put the damn thing back in - again, a long night). All she wanted to do was yank on the tubes and run around. It was more exhausting trying to keep her still than anything else.
Above all, it was worth it to see the change the fluids made in her - just the change from early evening to early morning was amazing. Her fever disappeared and she started eating once she had a bag and a half of fluid in her. And her mood went from good to really happy. It was nice to see her feeling so much better. But it's true - no one sleeps well in a hospital - no matter how old your are or what the circumstances, and I don't want to go back there any time soon. I am happy that it was a simple matter like dehydration. When I looked at the board and saw all the other reasons people were there or when I think about the people I know and the experiences they have been through, I have a completely new understanding and appreciation for just how hard that is for them and just how strong they are. I think that this week was a way of putting a lot of things in perspective for me and a way of showing me how to set some limits and priorities, so in that way it was really good.
In any case, we're all home and relatively healthy. Katie may be coming down with that flu bug, but we're going to hope it's just some exhuastion after a hectic week. Hope is still trying to catch up on her sleep, as are the rest of us, and is still not back to full health. We're watching her eating and drinking - she's still not quite up to par - and her cough is still nasty, but she's improving. We do need to figure out ways to get her to drink. She's a milk girl - which is a good thing; typically you don't want sugar, but we can't ever get her to drink other things. No juice, water, gatorade, pedialyte, soda - no jello, popsicles - nothing that hydrates. Some fruits. We need to figure this out before summer because I am not doing this again.
In any case, our Valentine's present to each other is sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. Like by 8pm tonight sleep. And I love it - best present ever :)
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
My world of anxiety
Continues....
Last week I had my first "official" meeting with the publisher. We met on the phone even though we technically had nothing to discuss yet. I had only just signed the contract and put it in the mail - they hadn't received it yet and I hadn't gotten my signing bonus (which really, let's face it, is clearly the most important part of this scenario), but more importantly, the reviews weren't in yet.
Publishers ask instructors to review textbooks on a yearly basis - instructors are paid for these reviews. Some of the instructors who submit reviews are using the textbook and some are not. Some are genuinely interested in making the book better and some just want the cash.
I was one of those reviewers who just wanted cash - yet, somehow I ended up with this textbook deal out of all of those reviews. Who knew my half-assed reviews would land me in this position?
In any case, the reviews were apparently due this week, but I was warned that instructors, much like students, do not pay close attention to due dates - even though MONEY is involved. So they'll trickle in slowly. Once they are in, the publisher will compile the results and send them on to me along with a synopsis of what they believe should be changed in this new edition of the book. At that point, I'll be given the chance to agree or disagree and add in my own suggestions. I assume this will happen throughout February, although I have no real idea.
Last Tuesday, in order to give me "something to work on," the publisher, we'll call her "A" for my own sake, told me she would carefully go over the first chapter I submitted and send notes and that I should "work on the second chapter" and the Table of Contents.
I'm going to try to go over this without being too technical as this gets a bit crazy.
I submitted an original Table of Contents (TOC) during the interview process that was my ideal book - what the book should look like if it was up to date and in keeping with current pedagogy and methods. Unfortunately, that doesn't look a lot like the original book. When I was interviewing, I was asked to send a sample chapter from the TOC; when I did, I was sent back a message saying "thanks but no thanks - you don't understand that we want a revision and not a new book." Well, that night I quickly sat down and dashed out an entirely new chapter and sent it to A - that one she liked and that was how I got the job offer.
It is this chapter, incidentally, that she is now looking at and probably marking the hell out of...it was, after all, written in an evening.
This TOC, unfortunately, was the one in our contract and the one we discussed on the phone. She keeps talking about how we need to create this book yet keep the original so we don't lose any of the people who currently buy this book (remember, I'm being asked to create the 6th edition) and I keep telling her I can't give her that particular TOC and the original book - they are two different entities.
So, I basically sent her the original TOC from the original book with some small changes and some changes to the wording along with an eloquently phrased note about how terminology makes all the difference and how this marriage of the two TOC's is the best way to keep existing users while bringing in new ones.
Then I had to "work on" chapter 2. That was all the revision advice I got - "work on" it. WTF? So I sent that to her as well.
And I'm waiting on comments from that one-nighter chapter.
Since I have yet to hear back from her and I sent all this last week, I'm assuming I will be slammed with all of this feedback plus all the review feedback in one fell swoop. That shouldn't be overwhelming at all.
In other news, my anxiety has allowed me to lose ten pounds. I am looking on the bright side and calling this a win.
Last week I had my first "official" meeting with the publisher. We met on the phone even though we technically had nothing to discuss yet. I had only just signed the contract and put it in the mail - they hadn't received it yet and I hadn't gotten my signing bonus (which really, let's face it, is clearly the most important part of this scenario), but more importantly, the reviews weren't in yet.
Publishers ask instructors to review textbooks on a yearly basis - instructors are paid for these reviews. Some of the instructors who submit reviews are using the textbook and some are not. Some are genuinely interested in making the book better and some just want the cash.
I was one of those reviewers who just wanted cash - yet, somehow I ended up with this textbook deal out of all of those reviews. Who knew my half-assed reviews would land me in this position?
In any case, the reviews were apparently due this week, but I was warned that instructors, much like students, do not pay close attention to due dates - even though MONEY is involved. So they'll trickle in slowly. Once they are in, the publisher will compile the results and send them on to me along with a synopsis of what they believe should be changed in this new edition of the book. At that point, I'll be given the chance to agree or disagree and add in my own suggestions. I assume this will happen throughout February, although I have no real idea.
Last Tuesday, in order to give me "something to work on," the publisher, we'll call her "A" for my own sake, told me she would carefully go over the first chapter I submitted and send notes and that I should "work on the second chapter" and the Table of Contents.
I'm going to try to go over this without being too technical as this gets a bit crazy.
I submitted an original Table of Contents (TOC) during the interview process that was my ideal book - what the book should look like if it was up to date and in keeping with current pedagogy and methods. Unfortunately, that doesn't look a lot like the original book. When I was interviewing, I was asked to send a sample chapter from the TOC; when I did, I was sent back a message saying "thanks but no thanks - you don't understand that we want a revision and not a new book." Well, that night I quickly sat down and dashed out an entirely new chapter and sent it to A - that one she liked and that was how I got the job offer.
It is this chapter, incidentally, that she is now looking at and probably marking the hell out of...it was, after all, written in an evening.
This TOC, unfortunately, was the one in our contract and the one we discussed on the phone. She keeps talking about how we need to create this book yet keep the original so we don't lose any of the people who currently buy this book (remember, I'm being asked to create the 6th edition) and I keep telling her I can't give her that particular TOC and the original book - they are two different entities.
So, I basically sent her the original TOC from the original book with some small changes and some changes to the wording along with an eloquently phrased note about how terminology makes all the difference and how this marriage of the two TOC's is the best way to keep existing users while bringing in new ones.
Then I had to "work on" chapter 2. That was all the revision advice I got - "work on" it. WTF? So I sent that to her as well.
And I'm waiting on comments from that one-nighter chapter.
Since I have yet to hear back from her and I sent all this last week, I'm assuming I will be slammed with all of this feedback plus all the review feedback in one fell swoop. That shouldn't be overwhelming at all.
In other news, my anxiety has allowed me to lose ten pounds. I am looking on the bright side and calling this a win.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Living Life in a Bipolar Mind
The past few weeks have been particular stressful, what with starting a new semester, getting everyone back on schedule, trying to figure out how to teach a new class (while only being in the second semester of another new one), and taking on this book deal. All of this is a lot for any mind to take on, but I think it's more difficult (yes, I'm going to make that claim) with the bipolar mind. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's not just the bipolar mind that makes my life difficult - it's the fact that I'm smart enough to observe my own madness as it happens. That, my friends, may be the ultimate in frustration.
Of course, that's not to say I think I'm mad or insane - at least, not at the moment :) But, knowing I was taking more stress on in my life and knowing that medication can only help me cope with so much, I decided to take the proactive yet, in my own experience, typically frustrating move of working with a cognitive behavioral therapist, I've got a lot on my mind after our initial session today. It's always hard to start with a new therapist because, of course, you have to go over absolutely all of your history for the umpteenth gazillionth time in your life and answer the same "deep and probing" questions that will allow them to examine your psyche and ultimately fix you. Right? Isn't that the goal? Won't I come out of this all shiny, new and cured? Ok, I know that's a bit snarky and cynical, but I've been on this little ferris wheel of frustration and know where it can lead, but I'm hoping for better results this time.
Specifically, I'm hoping for better ways to deal with my anxiety and stress. Over time, I've learned to spot my manias as they come on. I can't always stop them and I can't always make them go away, but I can at least put people around me on high alert so we can manage them in the best way possible. Now I have to figure out how to deal with the major anxiety issues that are once again rearing their ugly heads. Too often I find myself focusing on things that I shouldn't be and I simply can't turn those thoughts off or refocus them. And that is so frustrating that I could scream.
Case in point: my family. More specifically, my daughters. They're only young and want me around for so long. I only have so many years where I get to be the primary source of play and fun - only so many years where I'm still the good guy. I want to be able to focus my attention on them and live in the moment when I'm with them, yet too often I find my mind consumed with thoughts of the book or my online students or what I should do in class the next day. It's only natural that my mind should wander from time to time - I'm human. But it's happening too frequently and with too much intensity - and no matter how hard I try, I cannot refocus my thoughts or keep myself in the moment, and THAT is what is frustrating me.
As I said today, I'm observant enough to know when I'm not in control of my mind, but I can't do anything about it. And that is the most helpless and anxiety-inducing feeling of them all.
But that's why I'm seeking help, right? And that's why we'll work on those cognitive behavior strategies to start fixing the problems. And I'm not totally anti-therapy - I've done CBT before and it helped me get rid of a lot of my OCD ticks....man, am I totally screwy or what? But sometimes it just feels like there's this little person trapped in my mind who knows the right answers and right behaviors, but she can't get control...
I hope I can find a way to help her out.
Of course, that's not to say I think I'm mad or insane - at least, not at the moment :) But, knowing I was taking more stress on in my life and knowing that medication can only help me cope with so much, I decided to take the proactive yet, in my own experience, typically frustrating move of working with a cognitive behavioral therapist, I've got a lot on my mind after our initial session today. It's always hard to start with a new therapist because, of course, you have to go over absolutely all of your history for the umpteenth gazillionth time in your life and answer the same "deep and probing" questions that will allow them to examine your psyche and ultimately fix you. Right? Isn't that the goal? Won't I come out of this all shiny, new and cured? Ok, I know that's a bit snarky and cynical, but I've been on this little ferris wheel of frustration and know where it can lead, but I'm hoping for better results this time.
Specifically, I'm hoping for better ways to deal with my anxiety and stress. Over time, I've learned to spot my manias as they come on. I can't always stop them and I can't always make them go away, but I can at least put people around me on high alert so we can manage them in the best way possible. Now I have to figure out how to deal with the major anxiety issues that are once again rearing their ugly heads. Too often I find myself focusing on things that I shouldn't be and I simply can't turn those thoughts off or refocus them. And that is so frustrating that I could scream.
Case in point: my family. More specifically, my daughters. They're only young and want me around for so long. I only have so many years where I get to be the primary source of play and fun - only so many years where I'm still the good guy. I want to be able to focus my attention on them and live in the moment when I'm with them, yet too often I find my mind consumed with thoughts of the book or my online students or what I should do in class the next day. It's only natural that my mind should wander from time to time - I'm human. But it's happening too frequently and with too much intensity - and no matter how hard I try, I cannot refocus my thoughts or keep myself in the moment, and THAT is what is frustrating me.
As I said today, I'm observant enough to know when I'm not in control of my mind, but I can't do anything about it. And that is the most helpless and anxiety-inducing feeling of them all.
But that's why I'm seeking help, right? And that's why we'll work on those cognitive behavior strategies to start fixing the problems. And I'm not totally anti-therapy - I've done CBT before and it helped me get rid of a lot of my OCD ticks....man, am I totally screwy or what? But sometimes it just feels like there's this little person trapped in my mind who knows the right answers and right behaviors, but she can't get control...
I hope I can find a way to help her out.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
It's been a week...
Typically, the first week of the semester is always the longest week. I'm not sure why that is, but after the first week, the semester tends to fly by and, even though at times it may seem never-ending, inevitably we find ourselves at finals going "where the heck did that go?" Which is nice overall.
It's been an interesting week, however, because I have got quite a group. My online students seem overly enthusiastic, which is definitely a change of pace. That might be a good thing. On the other hand, my classes that meet in person are inordinately quiet and seem to have a mix of students with many problems or issues. I'm teaching one of the same classes I did last semester and one that is a lower level, so that is new for me, and it's absolutely astonishing to see how completely unprepared people can be for college. Nobody appears to be documented, but from watching them I would guess I have a wide range of different learning disabilities or other issues...but perhaps there are outside factors that I'm just not aware of yet. In any case, I took a different tactic this semester and approached the classes in a hard-core manner. I pounded them with homework and in-class work from day one - and they took it and ran with it. I have to say that I'm impressed. Now, of course, not everyone did. There are an alarming number of students who already have a failing grade in the class, but that's their choice - however, the number of students who have not only completed the work but who have done it quite well (I gave them some nasty assignments just to see what they could do) really blew me away. Nicely done, I must say. So I either have a real range of abilities in these classes or a real range of dedication...I'm going to say it's probably a mixture.
I also forgot how exhausting it is to be in the classroom. Funny how just a few weeks away makes you forget. And it's also that whole new group of students thing - there's a new performance aspect to the first few weeks of class. You have to kind of win them over to get them to trust you and want to participate. Part of what I want them to get from my class is that it's ok to fail - it's ok to ask questions or offer your answer and be wrong...and the only way to really get that atmosphere is to really perform and make it a fun and inviting atmosphere, which takes A LOT of work for a few weeks. Difficult for the introvert. Thankfully, the book contract hasn't come in the mail yet so I don't have any official obligations there and so I can come home and sort of collapse for a while. That's really helpful.
And now for what I really wanted to write about. I am SO PROUD of my husband right now. Those of you who know Brian know that he is a generous and kind person with some really terrible habits. He helps out tremendously with the girls and around the house, but he's not very active outside of that (and we all know that it's difficult because between work, kids, and house it's hard to be too much more active). He hates anything that is healthy in terms of food and has a major sweet tooth. Well, we had a discussion about how concerned I was about these habits and him passing them on to the kids when they were old enough to start observing them (as Katie is starting to) and he has done a 180. Not only is he cooking healthy meals every night, we no longer have any junk food in the house - a major change for him. After all, junk food is really his only vice - it's not like he drinks or has any other outlets. And, he has created a workout space for himself down in Hannibal Lector's basement where he has diligently worked out every single night. I am so proud of him. I know the hard part is keeping with the change, but the fact that he's stuck with it this long is really amazing.
And so, now I will enjoy the other really amazing thing about my job...my really long weekend. My life is truly blessed :)
It's been an interesting week, however, because I have got quite a group. My online students seem overly enthusiastic, which is definitely a change of pace. That might be a good thing. On the other hand, my classes that meet in person are inordinately quiet and seem to have a mix of students with many problems or issues. I'm teaching one of the same classes I did last semester and one that is a lower level, so that is new for me, and it's absolutely astonishing to see how completely unprepared people can be for college. Nobody appears to be documented, but from watching them I would guess I have a wide range of different learning disabilities or other issues...but perhaps there are outside factors that I'm just not aware of yet. In any case, I took a different tactic this semester and approached the classes in a hard-core manner. I pounded them with homework and in-class work from day one - and they took it and ran with it. I have to say that I'm impressed. Now, of course, not everyone did. There are an alarming number of students who already have a failing grade in the class, but that's their choice - however, the number of students who have not only completed the work but who have done it quite well (I gave them some nasty assignments just to see what they could do) really blew me away. Nicely done, I must say. So I either have a real range of abilities in these classes or a real range of dedication...I'm going to say it's probably a mixture.
I also forgot how exhausting it is to be in the classroom. Funny how just a few weeks away makes you forget. And it's also that whole new group of students thing - there's a new performance aspect to the first few weeks of class. You have to kind of win them over to get them to trust you and want to participate. Part of what I want them to get from my class is that it's ok to fail - it's ok to ask questions or offer your answer and be wrong...and the only way to really get that atmosphere is to really perform and make it a fun and inviting atmosphere, which takes A LOT of work for a few weeks. Difficult for the introvert. Thankfully, the book contract hasn't come in the mail yet so I don't have any official obligations there and so I can come home and sort of collapse for a while. That's really helpful.
And now for what I really wanted to write about. I am SO PROUD of my husband right now. Those of you who know Brian know that he is a generous and kind person with some really terrible habits. He helps out tremendously with the girls and around the house, but he's not very active outside of that (and we all know that it's difficult because between work, kids, and house it's hard to be too much more active). He hates anything that is healthy in terms of food and has a major sweet tooth. Well, we had a discussion about how concerned I was about these habits and him passing them on to the kids when they were old enough to start observing them (as Katie is starting to) and he has done a 180. Not only is he cooking healthy meals every night, we no longer have any junk food in the house - a major change for him. After all, junk food is really his only vice - it's not like he drinks or has any other outlets. And, he has created a workout space for himself down in Hannibal Lector's basement where he has diligently worked out every single night. I am so proud of him. I know the hard part is keeping with the change, but the fact that he's stuck with it this long is really amazing.
And so, now I will enjoy the other really amazing thing about my job...my really long weekend. My life is truly blessed :)
Friday, January 11, 2013
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