I know, but can you blame me?
A blog, much like other things in life, is best kept to regularly. Once you step away it becomes just another one of those things that is easily shifted to a back burner. You can just keep saying..."I'll get to that later.." And then it's later and you haven't gotten to it...but that's really just a nagging issue that is easily dealt with by reminding yourself that you can deal with it later.
Of course, I have very good reasons for stepping aside. As typing became a more difficult issue than it had been previously for me, for reasons that we will just not go into here, I had to focus on day to day life and simply surviving the semester. In addition to that, there was Hope's first birthday and the holidays to contend with - both of which were simultaneously lovely and very very stressful, as anything festive and full of family and friendly typically are. I feel like we never stopped to breathe or rest from November 17 until...well, now. As Katie returned to school today for the spring term and I finally look around an empty house and try to wrap my brain around the fact that I have to return to classes on Monday, I wonder where any of that lovely "break" actually went.
People always envy those of us in the college teaching profession for our breaks, and I'm not going to deny that they are a lovely bonus, but I don't know that I actually ever take much of a break. When you consider the first week of the "break" is spent grading and posting end of semester grades and fielding emails about those grades, that takes off one of those weeks. Then you have the week prior to the semester when you are trying to figure out the coming semester. That does still leave a very hefty two week break in between, but I can seldom get my brain to turn off - I often still find myself wondering about a grade or a comment or thinking about the assignments for the coming semester. It is still much nicer than sitting in an office for eight or nine hours a day, however.
In addition to the frenzy of holidays and travel, I spent a great deal of time working on the hinted about book deal that I spent most of the fall working on and stressing about. Let's recap:
1) Initial query from publisher.
2) Email interview
3) Phone interview
4) Written interview
5) Sample table of contents submitted
6) Sample of writing submitted (section of chapter - new)
7) Sample chapter submitted (completely new)
8) Sample chapter submitted (revised from existing material)
Offered job by publisher
Holy crap.
This, in an of itself, was completely unexpected and overwhelming. I had absolutely no idea how long this interview process was or how many people were in the running. I received feedback on my work, but it was of the rather banal, neutral variety which gave me no sense of how I was doing in the process. So, to be offered the job was mind-stoppingly insane.
As of right now, the contracts are in the mail on their way to my house.
Here's is what I know. We are starting with a one-year contract. I will revise/edit one book in the three book series for a flat fee (rather than negotiating for royalties and such). This will give both myself and the publishers a chance to see if we can work together and if I want to continue with the project. If all goes well, we will renegotiate for the three book series and continue on. Since each book needs to be revised approximately every three years, it's an ongoing project that never ends. It's definitely a new opportunity and an avenue I had never considered pursuing.
And I will still continue teaching. That's non-negotiable.
Apparently, we will start on the book once reviews are in - sometime in late January or early February (users and non-users of the book review the book to tell what they like/don't like/want/don't want in the new edition) and then the revisions need to be complete by about October, so this will be busy and new for me. I'm very nervous about it and very scared that I've taken on more than I can handle. I have no idea what I've taken on and just have to assume I can handle it. More than anything, I hope that I haven't screwed up my summer with the girls. They're paying me for 225 hours worth of work, however, which, as Brian has pointed out, is approximately 6 full weeks of work at a 40/hr a week job, so hopefully it's not so bad. The publisher did keep saying, however, when I met with her in Chicago, that "It's a lot of work." Brian thinks she was trying to oversell it so I didn't underestimate it.
We'll see.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
What to say?
Other than the fact that I have now, officially, reached the age where I no longer know how old I am?
I consider that a plus :)
Looking back on how far we have come in a year - two years - three years - it's simply astounding.
Two years ago, I could never have imagined my life today.
Five years ago, my life today would have been inconceivable.
Seven years ago, my life today would have been absolutely laughable it was so far out of reach.
I guess it all just goes to show that we have to walk our path at our own pace. We don't know what the turns are. Sometimes we get the opportunity to run and sometimes we are forced to slow down to a ridiculous pace that seems to bring on insanity. But we are continuing on that path and we are moving forward - always moving forward, and maybe that's the important thing to remember.
When I drive home from the worst day of work this year, or I'm so sleep deprived that I can barely stand up straight, I still take time to look at the beautiful changing colors on the trees and thank God that I am allowed to be outside enjoying this beautiful time of year rather than watching it from a chair through the window.
When I complain or feel stressed out or I simply want to cry because I'm upset, I remind myself of the pain of losing those I've loved and those I've loved and never known.
When I ride my bike with Katie and I can barely breathe because it's hard, I remind myself of when I didn't have a child to do this with and I was all alone.
When I wake up in the middle of the night for the millionth time with Hope, I remind myself that a year ago, I was barely hanging on to hope itself.
Nothing minimizes our daily struggles, but our daily struggles are what prepares us for our daily life. Life isn't as precious if we can't see it through the stains of our pain and our troubles...but life is more beautiful when viewed through the stained glass of our past.
What a beautiful year to add to my life. I am so blessed.
I consider that a plus :)
Looking back on how far we have come in a year - two years - three years - it's simply astounding.
Two years ago, I could never have imagined my life today.
Five years ago, my life today would have been inconceivable.
Seven years ago, my life today would have been absolutely laughable it was so far out of reach.
I guess it all just goes to show that we have to walk our path at our own pace. We don't know what the turns are. Sometimes we get the opportunity to run and sometimes we are forced to slow down to a ridiculous pace that seems to bring on insanity. But we are continuing on that path and we are moving forward - always moving forward, and maybe that's the important thing to remember.
When I drive home from the worst day of work this year, or I'm so sleep deprived that I can barely stand up straight, I still take time to look at the beautiful changing colors on the trees and thank God that I am allowed to be outside enjoying this beautiful time of year rather than watching it from a chair through the window.
When I complain or feel stressed out or I simply want to cry because I'm upset, I remind myself of the pain of losing those I've loved and those I've loved and never known.
When I ride my bike with Katie and I can barely breathe because it's hard, I remind myself of when I didn't have a child to do this with and I was all alone.
When I wake up in the middle of the night for the millionth time with Hope, I remind myself that a year ago, I was barely hanging on to hope itself.
Nothing minimizes our daily struggles, but our daily struggles are what prepares us for our daily life. Life isn't as precious if we can't see it through the stains of our pain and our troubles...but life is more beautiful when viewed through the stained glass of our past.
What a beautiful year to add to my life. I am so blessed.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My slow, short trip to insanity...
I adore my girls...I truly do...
BUT
One of them is driving me insane and I simply cannot figure out why.
I suppose it's only natural. Katie was a fairly easygoing and laid-back baby, so we knew that we couldn't be that lucky twice, but I just can NOT figure out what Hope wants.
Scratch that. I can. I just can't give it to her.
From six o'clock pm until six o'clock am, she screams. And I mean, SCREAMS. Bloody Murder, Holy Hell - you name it. It's like we're pulling her toenails out one by one.
The solution? All family members must be in one room and at least one parent must be holding and/or sleeping with her.
*deep sigh*
In my heart of hearts, I know that she's only little for a short time and that she will, all too soon, want nothing to do with us and want to be on her own.
But it would be so lovely to snuggle with her simply for the sheer joy of snuggling and the love of being together and not because the alternative is ear-piercing, blood-curdling screaming for hours and hours on end.
She screams as we make dinner, give baths, try to do homework with Katie - even if one of us is holding her, she's not happy unless we are all together. That much screaming eventually takes its toll on one's sanity.
On the bright side, she can do "So big" and it's just so darn cute :)
And Katie won a coloring contest that got her VIP tickets to go see the Imagination Movers (along with a CD and signed poster). Brian had prepared the "disappointment" talk to give her, but instead we got the call that she won. When we told her she won the contest, she replied, "Of course, I stayed inside the lines."
God I love my girls.
Now if we could just have a little quiet time or sleep :) But it is a beautiful fall - and I remind myself daily how lovely it is to be outside enjoying my days with the girls instead of inside in my chair enjoying constant contractions. Life is perfect when kept in perspective.
BUT
One of them is driving me insane and I simply cannot figure out why.
I suppose it's only natural. Katie was a fairly easygoing and laid-back baby, so we knew that we couldn't be that lucky twice, but I just can NOT figure out what Hope wants.
Scratch that. I can. I just can't give it to her.
From six o'clock pm until six o'clock am, she screams. And I mean, SCREAMS. Bloody Murder, Holy Hell - you name it. It's like we're pulling her toenails out one by one.
The solution? All family members must be in one room and at least one parent must be holding and/or sleeping with her.
*deep sigh*
In my heart of hearts, I know that she's only little for a short time and that she will, all too soon, want nothing to do with us and want to be on her own.
But it would be so lovely to snuggle with her simply for the sheer joy of snuggling and the love of being together and not because the alternative is ear-piercing, blood-curdling screaming for hours and hours on end.
She screams as we make dinner, give baths, try to do homework with Katie - even if one of us is holding her, she's not happy unless we are all together. That much screaming eventually takes its toll on one's sanity.
On the bright side, she can do "So big" and it's just so darn cute :)
And Katie won a coloring contest that got her VIP tickets to go see the Imagination Movers (along with a CD and signed poster). Brian had prepared the "disappointment" talk to give her, but instead we got the call that she won. When we told her she won the contest, she replied, "Of course, I stayed inside the lines."
God I love my girls.
Now if we could just have a little quiet time or sleep :) But it is a beautiful fall - and I remind myself daily how lovely it is to be outside enjoying my days with the girls instead of inside in my chair enjoying constant contractions. Life is perfect when kept in perspective.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The News is
Good.
All around.
First off, what you really care about -
All the biopsies came back within "normal" range. This does not mean that everything is totally ok. Some of them are pretty funny looking and suspicious - in fact, I believe one threatened to mug the doctor or muttered something racist when his head was turned - however, they are all pretty decent for the moment. This means that in a week, Brian will go in and they will discuss treatment options. In a few years we may have to look at some surgical options to remove some scary stuff and/or correct some other things, but for now we'll be looking at medical management. We'll also be closely monitoring all these little buggers on a yearly basis to ensure they don't have a chance to grow or get out of hand. Therefore, the news is good.
As for me, this is my first non-light headed, fully connected to my body day.
Therefore, I will call today a win. Score another one for the Aitken family and continue to hope that the wins outweigh the losses in the long run. I continue to thank you all for your enormous support and thoughtfulness. This past week has been so much harder than I ever dreamed and I'm so glad to know I have such an amazing group of "family" to lean on.
God bless you all.
All around.
First off, what you really care about -
All the biopsies came back within "normal" range. This does not mean that everything is totally ok. Some of them are pretty funny looking and suspicious - in fact, I believe one threatened to mug the doctor or muttered something racist when his head was turned - however, they are all pretty decent for the moment. This means that in a week, Brian will go in and they will discuss treatment options. In a few years we may have to look at some surgical options to remove some scary stuff and/or correct some other things, but for now we'll be looking at medical management. We'll also be closely monitoring all these little buggers on a yearly basis to ensure they don't have a chance to grow or get out of hand. Therefore, the news is good.
As for me, this is my first non-light headed, fully connected to my body day.
Therefore, I will call today a win. Score another one for the Aitken family and continue to hope that the wins outweigh the losses in the long run. I continue to thank you all for your enormous support and thoughtfulness. This past week has been so much harder than I ever dreamed and I'm so glad to know I have such an amazing group of "family" to lean on.
God bless you all.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
The Zen of Painting a Porch
Subtitled *Exhaustion*
The nice part about the past week is that I have just been so freakin' drugged out of my mind and exhuasted that time has passed more quickly than I thought it would. The not so nice part is that I have been exhausted and drugged out of my mind. It's been interesting.
To begin with the more mundane...Hope is still teething and dealing with her eczema and dairy rashes (in addition to environmental and emotional rashes - she is breaking out at the drop of a hat anymore), and sleep has become next to non-existent. She won't sleep in her room at all. She won't sleep in my room. She won't sleep in my bed. If I move or get up or turn over, she screams bloody murder. I am literally a walking zombie. I am very very tired. This has been a little bit hard.
We have been painting the porch (an ongoing, two-year project) and I am sore and very tired from doing such physical work after working at school all morning. This takes hours and hours into the evening, at which point the girls are home and I'm chasing after them and picking them up and feeding them and bathing them and whatnot.
Then there's grading and schoolwork. Don't forget about that.
And the Topamax. That's been a trip all it's own. Today is the first time I actually feel almost connected to my body, which is a relief because I was really starting to freak out. I've felt very out of it and dazed ever since I started on this last week. I was confused and feeling very doped up - very slow and stupid feeling. I also felt like my mind was not in my body - like I wasn't in control and couldn't react. I still don't feel completely in control and I'm starting to realize the difference between "anti-depressant" (what I've typically been on) and "mood stabilizer" (new drug). I can really feel this one messing with my brain. It's dulling a lot of things and messing with a lot of others and I'm not used to feeling so much effect from a medication.
In any case...here's hoping we hear something tomorrow. And that it's good. And that I get some sleep soon. But full body exhaustion due to lack of sleep and physical work is a good combination for not worrying about things you can't control.
The nice part about the past week is that I have just been so freakin' drugged out of my mind and exhuasted that time has passed more quickly than I thought it would. The not so nice part is that I have been exhausted and drugged out of my mind. It's been interesting.
To begin with the more mundane...Hope is still teething and dealing with her eczema and dairy rashes (in addition to environmental and emotional rashes - she is breaking out at the drop of a hat anymore), and sleep has become next to non-existent. She won't sleep in her room at all. She won't sleep in my room. She won't sleep in my bed. If I move or get up or turn over, she screams bloody murder. I am literally a walking zombie. I am very very tired. This has been a little bit hard.
We have been painting the porch (an ongoing, two-year project) and I am sore and very tired from doing such physical work after working at school all morning. This takes hours and hours into the evening, at which point the girls are home and I'm chasing after them and picking them up and feeding them and bathing them and whatnot.
Then there's grading and schoolwork. Don't forget about that.
And the Topamax. That's been a trip all it's own. Today is the first time I actually feel almost connected to my body, which is a relief because I was really starting to freak out. I've felt very out of it and dazed ever since I started on this last week. I was confused and feeling very doped up - very slow and stupid feeling. I also felt like my mind was not in my body - like I wasn't in control and couldn't react. I still don't feel completely in control and I'm starting to realize the difference between "anti-depressant" (what I've typically been on) and "mood stabilizer" (new drug). I can really feel this one messing with my brain. It's dulling a lot of things and messing with a lot of others and I'm not used to feeling so much effect from a medication.
In any case...here's hoping we hear something tomorrow. And that it's good. And that I get some sleep soon. But full body exhaustion due to lack of sleep and physical work is a good combination for not worrying about things you can't control.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Ahhhh...
While it's been a difficult week, I'm on to a new and hopeful track...
Went to see my doctor and he confirmed that the bipolar has been hitting me hard and fast. Manic followed by complete exhaustion/depression (he noted the circles under my eyes today and my lethargic speech...as well as my increased weight...damn. Why can't I lose weight when depressed?) In any case, we've now decided to consider upping the dose of Seroquel (we'll decide that when I go back in two weeks) to try to calm the mood swings and ups and downs of mania/depression. He wants me to go off the Prozac altogether as he thinks that is causing my manias and making me extra anxious and jittery. Now we're moving on to a small dose of Topomax - to be increased next week. He assumes we'll have to up it a few times, but hopefully this will start to even things out for now. It's a mood stabilizer, so hopefully that will help (never tried one of those before :) Still on the Xanax for "spot" treatments or help as needed.
Hate trying new meds because it's a long process of figuring out which is the right one and the right dose and it's frustrating to start this process again, but I do want to find me again and I know this is the way to do it.
BTW - the massage helped ENORMOUSLY. I cannot say enough for people who are in this line of work - they are God's angels (expensive angels, but totally worth it!).
Again, thank you to all of you who have listened to my hysteria or have sent supportive messages. I'm doing better today and I'm really hoping the medicine change will help me keep things in perspective.
In any case, it's time to get out of this exhausted funk and exercise. I'm going to make the whole family take a nice long walk (good to exhaust Katie and good for Brian's and my health). In other good news, he's taken the news to heart and is cooking in a more heart-friendly and health-friendly manner and actually trying to enjoy it :) Bless his heart.
Hopefully we'll all just come out the other side a bit healthier and happier.
Went to see my doctor and he confirmed that the bipolar has been hitting me hard and fast. Manic followed by complete exhaustion/depression (he noted the circles under my eyes today and my lethargic speech...as well as my increased weight...damn. Why can't I lose weight when depressed?) In any case, we've now decided to consider upping the dose of Seroquel (we'll decide that when I go back in two weeks) to try to calm the mood swings and ups and downs of mania/depression. He wants me to go off the Prozac altogether as he thinks that is causing my manias and making me extra anxious and jittery. Now we're moving on to a small dose of Topomax - to be increased next week. He assumes we'll have to up it a few times, but hopefully this will start to even things out for now. It's a mood stabilizer, so hopefully that will help (never tried one of those before :) Still on the Xanax for "spot" treatments or help as needed.
Hate trying new meds because it's a long process of figuring out which is the right one and the right dose and it's frustrating to start this process again, but I do want to find me again and I know this is the way to do it.
BTW - the massage helped ENORMOUSLY. I cannot say enough for people who are in this line of work - they are God's angels (expensive angels, but totally worth it!).
Again, thank you to all of you who have listened to my hysteria or have sent supportive messages. I'm doing better today and I'm really hoping the medicine change will help me keep things in perspective.
In any case, it's time to get out of this exhausted funk and exercise. I'm going to make the whole family take a nice long walk (good to exhaust Katie and good for Brian's and my health). In other good news, he's taken the news to heart and is cooking in a more heart-friendly and health-friendly manner and actually trying to enjoy it :) Bless his heart.
Hopefully we'll all just come out the other side a bit healthier and happier.
Do Things Look Brighter in the Morning?
One of my wonderful friends reminded me of this idea last night.
And I can safely say, yes; things do look better in the morning.
I think I was so drained by all that led up to the day and the day itself and the stress of being there for the procedure and hearing everything - well, I think it set my mind into overdrive.
Today I'm calmer. I still don't feel great, but I feel calmer. I can breathe. I don't think I'll break into spontaneous tears and I was ok with getting out of bed.
Of course, the fact that I got several very large hugs this morning from all members of my family was incredibly helpful.
And those who checked in on me gave me a much needed sense of comfort. Just hearing kind words from others helps calm me down - helps me to get back in touch with the logical part of my mind.
In other news, I have my regular Dr. appt today to check my meds. I think we can safely say that while I haven't gotten worse, I haven't improved lately. My mind is at war with itself, and I hope we can start to figure out how to get my mind back in control of the crazy mind.
And, just because I did, I made an appointment for a nice long massage after.
It will be ok. It will all be ok. I just have to wait.
And I can safely say, yes; things do look better in the morning.
I think I was so drained by all that led up to the day and the day itself and the stress of being there for the procedure and hearing everything - well, I think it set my mind into overdrive.
Today I'm calmer. I still don't feel great, but I feel calmer. I can breathe. I don't think I'll break into spontaneous tears and I was ok with getting out of bed.
Of course, the fact that I got several very large hugs this morning from all members of my family was incredibly helpful.
And those who checked in on me gave me a much needed sense of comfort. Just hearing kind words from others helps calm me down - helps me to get back in touch with the logical part of my mind.
In other news, I have my regular Dr. appt today to check my meds. I think we can safely say that while I haven't gotten worse, I haven't improved lately. My mind is at war with itself, and I hope we can start to figure out how to get my mind back in control of the crazy mind.
And, just because I did, I made an appointment for a nice long massage after.
It will be ok. It will all be ok. I just have to wait.
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