Those Crazy Duggars

It takes so little to remember...

While I truly do like the Duggars and I think they are generally a very pleasant and loving family, I was very troubled that she was pregnant again after all the troubles they had with Josie. It made me worry about her health and her baby's health. Of course, at this point, we know that she lost that baby. No matter how many children you have, that kind of pain is unexplainable.

I had to watch the episode. I didn't have a choice. We talk so little about miscarriage and it's often just glossed over. My family never mentions it to me, and I don't think they talk about it at all. I often get the feeling from people that they weren't "real" babies because they were so early or not viable.

If you feel that way, you probably haven't experienced this kind of loss. It's not a loss that you can grieve publicly or even talk about most of the time...which is why so many of us are forced into the blogosphere.

I still think of my three precious little ones and wonder who they would have been. What would they have looked like? What would they be interested in? What would our family have been like?

But I never stop loving them.

Michelle says that this song by Selah helped her. I don't know if it helps, but it speaks to my heart.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
by Selah
from the album "You Deliver Me"

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

Katie walked in as I was holding Hope and watching the episode. People crying always make her sad, so she teared up and wanted to know what was going on. It's the first time I've told her that she has three little brothers or sisters who are waiting to meet her in Heaven. That made her very excited - she hoped they were playing with our cat Pete and giving him treats. I told her that someday when we get to be with Jesus in Heaven they'll be waiting to give us big hugs and play with us. She loved that idea.

I'm glad I was finally able to start talking to my daughter about how lucky we are. She kept hugging Hope and saying, "We're so lucky because we have my baby sister." I agreed. In the past, she's asked for "more family" and I had to explain it to her by saying, "God has decided that this is all the family we get," which seemed to harsh. But now that she knows she has little brothers and sisters and that they are playing with God, she feels like she does have "more family."

I know she doesn't understand, but it felt good to tell her. I know that this is probably something both of my daughter will have (it's a dominant thing), but if they know about it before they start trying to have children, maybe they can avoid the pain of losing their baby.

But most of all, it gave me the chance to sit and rock and hug both of my beautiful little girls and to thank God for all He has blessed us with.