So I don't forget...

One year ago today:

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

It's Good!

There was a good strong heartbeat! Thankfully, everyone in the office knows me by now, so they know what I'm looking for. The sonogram tech had me in and gave me the answer within about 90 seconds. These people are absolutely amazing.

Jellybean (or Bean - as the little person will henceforth be known) measured a teensy bit small for it's age, so they figure the dates are a bit off. We appear to be at five weeks and five days based on size. That little white heart was just pounding away - they guessed at about 108 beats per minute, but since it was so little, that might be inaccurate.

Everything else looks great. It is in the uterus (again, another win) and everything inside looks cozy and comfortable for Bean. It's another milestone - and a BIG one - passed.

Once you are lucky enough to get a heartbeat, your chance of miscarriage decreases. At this point, we have a less than 5% chance of losing it. Our chances improve if, at 8-10 weeks, we see fetal movement. And, as the doctor said, once we get out of the first trimester, we're pretty much "normal." Of course, people still lose babies at any point, but this is HUGE for us.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers! I know they have helped us so much! I'll scan in some pictures later, and you can see why our new darling is named Jellybean :)

The Guessing Continues

Ah...psychiatry. What a science.

Why do we ever consider medicine to be anything more than a guess game? Of course, I guess I should have been able to tell you that after three psychiatrists and a dozen or so years of trying to figure everything out (not to mention the entire pregnancy ordeal), but it never ceases to frustrate me.

Of course, I reported on my wildly cycling moods today as well as my insomnia and so I have had my medicine adjusted (again) to see if we can find the correct medication as well as dosage. Not only do we have to control the anxiety, major depressive disorder, and the OCD, but let's add that bipolar factor into the mix and you just get a great old mess.

So we're starting up on some Seroquel with the Prozac and Xanax...jeepers...I'm beginning to sound (and feel) like a walking pharmacy; however, the doctor believes that if we're onto the right course here, I would be able to move completely off of the Prozac and the Seroquel would be taken only as I take the Xanax now (as needed).

It would be nice to go for a few days...or even weeks...without taking more than a daily vitamin. It's a nice thought.

So, here's hoping we're on the right track. I shudder away from pills described as "anti-psychotic," because...well, let's face it. Who wants to be caught taking an anti-psychotic drug? But, I guess I'd rather be on one "as-needed" (yes, I'm going to hope for the best-case outcome) than a handful of who knows what every single day.

I'll let you know how it goes...if nothing else, he guarantees me sleep. I hope so. That would be freakin' awesome :)

My precious girls...

Adventures in Disconnected Academia

I've had a weird couple of weeks.

I'm not really sure how to organize or write this post (thankfully, I'm not a professional blogger who should make sense), so bear with me...

For several years...ok - a lot of years - all right...seven years - I was a graduate student. While teaching was always a big part of my life, and my focus, there was always something forcing me back to the world of theory and talking in big words with intellectual thoughts and amazing inspirations and epiphanies.

Well, I landed a full-time, tenure-track job in 2007. I had a baby in 2008. I defended my dissertation in 2008. I was awarded tenure in 2009.

I forgot about thinking.

I forgot about theory and conversing on an intellectual level about anything other than the practical, day to day life of working at a community college and teaching my 5/5 load (although, since I teach overload and summers, it's a 6/6/2 load). Don't get me wrong - that's still less than a full time job "in class." However, when you count in the numerous hours planning activities and lessons, grading, responding, and answering emails, I would say I work an easy 60 hours a week without blinking.

In the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to go to a major convention for people in the field of Composition and Rhetoric. While it was *highly* disturbing to see how disconnected many of them are from what those of us who actually teach community college populations do on a daily basis, at the same time, it was nice to hear it being spoken about.

There were all these words and terms and thoughts that hadn't entered my mind since I defended my dissertation.

In some ways, I think those of us working at the community college, and especially those of us with a developmental class or two (or four or five) tend to get really isolated and bogged down in the daily practical issues of just getting your students to show up, do homework, and participate. I think it's understandable that this happens - we don't have time for much else. Add in friends or a family or a hobby and you have less than no time to do any "theoretical" work.

But then I realized that there was still this ongoing academic conversation...and that a very important voice was missing. We go to the two-year college conferences, but that's just preaching to the choir. We need to remember what it's like to speak to our "intellectual superiors" (in that they work at a university or full college with lesser loads and stricter tenure requirements).

It was nice to be reminded that I don't work in a vacuum. Today we had our annual English Dept. In-service and it was nice to be reminded that it doesn't always have to be practical. Sometimes theory is fun - because in theory, it all works out in the end.

A heck of a day

You know, I don't know that I will ever figure out how to be everything I'm supposed to be...

If you have it figured out, I am more than open to your suggestions, comments, critiques.

Ok - no. I'm not open to your critiques. I get those everywhere. When Katie doesn't have her hair brushed and curled in the morning, I feel those criticisms. When I haven't bathed either kid in two days, I can sense what you're thinking. I know when you're seeing those wrinkled clothes or watching me balance a baby while telling a preschooler to "go play." When I'm at Walmart (yes, I know) and my kid is being a pain and I'm grabbing her and hissing under my breath to "be quiet" or "behave," I know what's going on.

I know...because we all know. It's so damn easy to judge that woman until you are that woman. In fact, I remember taking Katie to the store for the first time and promising her a dollar (she was two months old) if she would just behave because I was so afraid of being that woman.

Well, I've been her. I've grabbed my kid by the shoulder and hissed "behave" in her ear. I've carted around the screaming kid in the basket of my cart (where they aren't supposed to sit). I've put my child in "time out" in a public place while she screams at the top of her lungs. I've even made bargains with my baby to be quiet until we can get home.

Short story: you can't avoid it. You just can't. At some point you're going to be "that mother" with "that family" or "those children."

But you're not.

My family is so much more than those embarrassing or exasperating moments in the store.
My family is two gorgeous girls who love each other more than anything.
My life is a husband who helps me and takes care of me every day.
My life is balancing life and work and children and husband and friends.

My life is impossible...but wonderful.

One of those days

Ever had one of those days where things are just so normal but so...well...right?

I know - you didn't think it would be "that" kind of post, did you? Fake out!

I had class this morning and had only one student (out of four, so it's not as terrible as it seems) - one more showed up about half an hour into class. We had some great discussion and I saw little lightbulbs going off as they connected the dots for a larger picture and made some great connections they didn't know they could make. These are the days where teaching is fabulous - you feel a little high and woozy because you're so happy they learned something.

Of course, waking up to Katie climbing into bed to snuggle (after keeping her pants dry for TWO WHOLE WEEKS) and looking over to see Hope grinning like a fool, how could it not be a great day? Hubby was a little less happy to be up at 5am, but he'll live.

It's a bright sunny day, even with the MASSIVE quantities of calories I have indulged in over the past week, my clothes still fit, and I have great students and an amazing family. How could I be anything other than happy?

Ask me later - I have three classes turning in papers today. That was just plain ol' fucking stupid.

My little talker

We're working with the rice cereal and spoon right now -

It's not a big hit, but she has a lot to say



and then there's Katie - best big sister ever