Feeling loved :)

  Which is always an awesome feeling :)  My adorable friend D, gave me this beautiful necklace this morning and it just made my day.  I'm always looking for ways to commemorate my little buddies who aren't here with us, and this is just perfect.  More than loving the gift, though, is the amazing feeling soaring through my heart that someone else wanted to help me remember my babies.  I'm laughing as I write this because I'm supposed to be the English person and writing should be my thing, but I'm completely at a loss for words right now because I am so touched and awed.  My words aren't enough: Thank you!

Adjusting and getting back into a routine has been very good for us as a family.  Hope has a new friend to play with at daycare (there's only the two of them and Katie) who is 15 months old and, apparently, the two of them just adore each other.  I'm just pleased there is another little one for Hope to play with - especially now that Katie has school daily.  My little baby is just growing like a weed, though!  She now can crawl faster than most people walk, can go up and (sometimes) down stairs (although the down part is often quicker and less comfortable than she would prefer), pulls herself up and walks around the room holding on to furniture, says Momma, Dada, Papa, and Hi, can do "so big" and "peek-a-boo," and can feed herself puffs and yogurt melts.  Her smile and beautiful blue eyes are adorable.  We can't get her to hold onto a bottle and she does NOT like to be left alone.  I think we may have spoiled her a bit when she was very little by holding her all the time, but I'm not going to apologize for that.

Katie, on the other hand, is becoming more independent daily and also growing up too quickly.  She now goes to Pre-K five days a week for half a day and she loves it.  She's making new friends (who she calls "Friend" - names are of little concern to her as long as someone will play with her) and learning a lot.  It's helping with her moods and tantrums (I think since it's more structured than my summer days, it's good for her) and, overall, she's still being a wonderful big sister who always worries about Hope before herself.

In other ways, Katie continues to be my special buddy.  She's decided that she is going to be my teacher and is going to teach me how to run.  We can now run about three miles on the Wii together and have recently started going out to the trail (since, on occasion, it cools down below 90 degrees).  On Friday, she and I ran a full half mile and I interspersed some walking to make it a full mile (then we walked some more).  Since I've never ever been able to run, this is a big win for me - and it's also funny to watch my four year old lap me with ease :)

I have a new group of students who are also teaching me so much more about life and myself daily.  Since I get to see them four days a week (a luxury I don't usually get), I'm really getting to know them and they're getting to know each other.  I've found out that one of my students used to live in LA and be in commercials and then got caught up in gang stuff.  I've got students who grew up in the projects and also joined gangs.  Several have been to prison and many are young moms and dads who have no home.  I'm feeling blessed to be able to work with them because they are all very determined and eager to help each other.  I don't often see that in developmental classes - particularly this early in the semester, but it's almost as if they have all decided to help each other succeed.  I'm proud of the work they've been doing and pleased with their attitude...and it helps me so much to see them and hear their stories.  To know what other people are living through daily and to remind myself that my problems right now are not very big at all. 

I've been spending a lot of time lately on other people's blogs and my heart aches for what some of them are experiencing.  It reminds me of the years that I spent wallowing in the "it's just not fair" or "no one is listening" pit of sadness.  I don't know that there's any way to avoid that pit when things are going badly or life is hard, but eventually, we do start to climb out and see that we grew so much from those experiences.  But it's hard to remember that as I read about friends who have lost family members or fellow bloggers who are still struggling in their hopes to have a family or simply knowing that some people are not in the place in their life that they wish they were.

We all wish we could just make it better - to fix it all and take away that sadness or frustration.  You know, I'm not one that's normally up for much in the realm of fantasy, but there's one particular poem that seems to fit right now - from J.R.R. Tolkien

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king. 

 

Remember: not all who wander are lost.  Thank you to my amazing and beautifully kind-hearted friends.  I don't say it enough, but I want you to know that you are loved and in my prayers always.

First week

Back at school and I am utterly exhausted.  We have some new classes we are rolling out and it keeps me teaching back to back - which is good because I stay charged and revved up if it's a good class, but it also makes me just deflate when I get into the car.

It's tough to be an introverted teacher :)  You put on such a good show and then just collapse because the students took all the energy you had.  Overall, I seem to have a pretty interesting bunch of kids (yes, they are not kids, but I always call them that - the adults often think it's funny) who are not shy about sharing their ideas (which, for day three is AWESOME!).

It's amazing how quickly the evenings go.  Once the girls are home (about five) it's like a non-stop whirlwind until bedtime.  We don't quite have a schedule yet, but I'm sure we'll get there.  Hope is loving daycare and thinks it's awesome to be the center of Debbie's world all day long.  She is hopelessly (no pun intended) spoiled...but happy.

Katie will be starting pre-K on Monday (the preschool starts a week later than the school and ends a week earlier).  We had the choice between pre-K and pre-4 and opted for pre-K both because she's a smart little peanut and because it meets five days a week for half a day (as opposed to three half days with pre-4).  Since Kindergarten will be full days five days a week, we thought this would be a better transition for her.  She's so ready to go - it's so funny.  She got to meet her teacher and check out her room and approved it all.  I know she's going to learn and grow so much this year; she never stops amazing me.

Otherwise, you can tell the other colleges and universities in town are back in session.  Traffic sucks, no one knows where they are going or what to do on a one-way street, and you have to wait for everything - lines at the stores, excessive waits for food...blech.  I get so used to our cute little town in the summer...and then it becomes this huge monster in the fall.

Sixteen weeks until they all go home for winter break :)

The song

I stumble across music, poems and other wonderful things from the blogs I read and the friends I meet online.

Well, today I'm sharing "Blessings" by Laura Story.  Even if you don't believe in "God," I think that this speaks to some sort of higher power that guides us...and reminds me of that tired old notion of not closing a door without opening a window.

But something in here speaks to my heart - especially now.  When I think of friends who are in pain or dealing with hard situations.  When I think about my own painful experiences.  When I think of the times I felt alone.  When I think of all I am TRULY blessed with right now - without reminders.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

"Blessings"

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise 

What if those great and horrible disappointments or times of loneliness are those times that speak to our soul?  After all, we cannot hear if we are speaking.  

Just a thought

Things my daughters teach me...

You should play with everyone.  It doesn't matter what they look like or sound like or what they wear or do; anyone can have good ideas and turn out to be an interesting person to hang out with.

Change outfits as the need arises.  Please note: "need" is actually defined as "mood."  Add tiaras, shin guards, high heels, tutus, police hats, sunglasses, capes, masks and any other accessories as needed.  Remove when they are in the way.  Repeat process until the day ends.

Ask the question that's on your mind.  While it may become a bit annoying to those around you, you eventually become one of the smartest and most observant people around.

Be willing to share the information you've learned.  Not everyone learns at the same speed that you do.

Patience is learned by watching others.  It is not innate.

You can never say, "I love you," or "You look pretty" to someone too many times. 

A day is never so bad that ten minutes on the swings can't make it better.  Or a good run.  Or a bike ride. 

If running or riding, go as fast as you can for a little bit.  It's fun.

Forget about what you look like to others.  As long as you're not indecent, who cares?  Make yourself pretty to yourself.

Sing when you want to - and go ahead and make up a song that fits the occasion.  Maybe someone will smile.

Wave hello to everyone, whether you know them or not.  They'll usually smile and wave back.

Notice the little things.  Even the wild weeds and flowers growing in the yard can make beautiful bouquets.

Silly voices are always funny.

There's always enough time to snuggle.

Med Check

Just to add to the fun of back to school, I had my appointment with the doctor to go over my current meds and how they're working for me.

First of all, let me just say that any type of mental illness or disorder is just freakin' exhausting.  Go to the doctor, get a prescription.  Go back to the doctor, get prescription changed since it didn't work.  Repeat indefinitely.

It can take months or even years to find the appropriate treatment for your particular issue.

Unfortunately, I've been on the edge of a mania all week and it's really bothering me.  Doctor thought it might be the transition from summer to school (and leaving the girls, planning new classes, etc), so he was hesitant to adjust the meds...which is frustrating.  I really hate when I feel this way because it makes me paranoid and I second and third guess everything I do because I don't know what's me and what's the mania.

He did give me something to help level me out - a sort of bandaid.  We'll see if it works.  Problem is, I don't like to use it because it makes me dull and sleepy.  We'll see.

Here's to another year on the bipolar roller-coaster that is my life :)

Love it!

Saw this on Facebook and it really struck me how true it is.  I love it!

How to feel like the luckiest girl ever...

Apparently, it's quite simple:

Just post on your blog that you are nervous about being alone or feeling like a nerd when going back to work in the fall and watch the amazing comments and emails flood in.

You all never cease to amaze me with your unending love and support, and it makes me feel like I must have done something pretty awesome in my life to deserve your friendship.

Thank you...and thanks for making me tear up a bit ;)