The song

I stumble across music, poems and other wonderful things from the blogs I read and the friends I meet online.

Well, today I'm sharing "Blessings" by Laura Story.  Even if you don't believe in "God," I think that this speaks to some sort of higher power that guides us...and reminds me of that tired old notion of not closing a door without opening a window.

But something in here speaks to my heart - especially now.  When I think of friends who are in pain or dealing with hard situations.  When I think about my own painful experiences.  When I think of the times I felt alone.  When I think of all I am TRULY blessed with right now - without reminders.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

"Blessings"

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise 

What if those great and horrible disappointments or times of loneliness are those times that speak to our soul?  After all, we cannot hear if we are speaking.  

Just a thought

Things my daughters teach me...

You should play with everyone.  It doesn't matter what they look like or sound like or what they wear or do; anyone can have good ideas and turn out to be an interesting person to hang out with.

Change outfits as the need arises.  Please note: "need" is actually defined as "mood."  Add tiaras, shin guards, high heels, tutus, police hats, sunglasses, capes, masks and any other accessories as needed.  Remove when they are in the way.  Repeat process until the day ends.

Ask the question that's on your mind.  While it may become a bit annoying to those around you, you eventually become one of the smartest and most observant people around.

Be willing to share the information you've learned.  Not everyone learns at the same speed that you do.

Patience is learned by watching others.  It is not innate.

You can never say, "I love you," or "You look pretty" to someone too many times. 

A day is never so bad that ten minutes on the swings can't make it better.  Or a good run.  Or a bike ride. 

If running or riding, go as fast as you can for a little bit.  It's fun.

Forget about what you look like to others.  As long as you're not indecent, who cares?  Make yourself pretty to yourself.

Sing when you want to - and go ahead and make up a song that fits the occasion.  Maybe someone will smile.

Wave hello to everyone, whether you know them or not.  They'll usually smile and wave back.

Notice the little things.  Even the wild weeds and flowers growing in the yard can make beautiful bouquets.

Silly voices are always funny.

There's always enough time to snuggle.

Med Check

Just to add to the fun of back to school, I had my appointment with the doctor to go over my current meds and how they're working for me.

First of all, let me just say that any type of mental illness or disorder is just freakin' exhausting.  Go to the doctor, get a prescription.  Go back to the doctor, get prescription changed since it didn't work.  Repeat indefinitely.

It can take months or even years to find the appropriate treatment for your particular issue.

Unfortunately, I've been on the edge of a mania all week and it's really bothering me.  Doctor thought it might be the transition from summer to school (and leaving the girls, planning new classes, etc), so he was hesitant to adjust the meds...which is frustrating.  I really hate when I feel this way because it makes me paranoid and I second and third guess everything I do because I don't know what's me and what's the mania.

He did give me something to help level me out - a sort of bandaid.  We'll see if it works.  Problem is, I don't like to use it because it makes me dull and sleepy.  We'll see.

Here's to another year on the bipolar roller-coaster that is my life :)

Love it!

Saw this on Facebook and it really struck me how true it is.  I love it!

How to feel like the luckiest girl ever...

Apparently, it's quite simple:

Just post on your blog that you are nervous about being alone or feeling like a nerd when going back to work in the fall and watch the amazing comments and emails flood in.

You all never cease to amaze me with your unending love and support, and it makes me feel like I must have done something pretty awesome in my life to deserve your friendship.

Thank you...and thanks for making me tear up a bit ;)

Do we ever grow up?

I ask this not to point fingers or to be accusatory - just, do we ever grow past the junior high clique-ishness that plagued me (and many others) for so many years.

Tomorrow, I go back to work.  This is our Celebration of Learning, which essentially means that I'll sit in a lot of meetings for a week.

The problem?  I'm no longer in the "in" group of faculty in my department.

I know this seems silly, but it's true.  I was very in for a couple of years, but after having Katie, I told some colleagues that I needed to back out of the social aspect of our life for a while.  I was struggling, really struggling with balancing life and work and husband and child.  I was stretched to my limit and couldn't handle it anymore.  Add to that more ear infections and sleepless nights than I, at that time, knew were possible, and you have one really exhausted and stressed out person.

Well, apparently, my "I need to take some time for myself" email was received as something else, because since that day, I have been less than welcomed by some people I used to consider my friends and support.  Apparently, my need to find a way to live a life with children and a job and keep any sort of sanity was also a snub to those who were my friends.

It was self-preservation.  I stand by it.

But since then, these meetings make me exceedingly uncomfortable.

Where do I sit?  With who?  How awkward will it be?

Honestly: I thought we were all over this point in our lives, but I was wrong.

So, tomorrow I will find a seat in the upper corner of the auditorium and do my best to be invisible.  I will avoid dinners, buffets, and lunches.  I will wait for the semester to start.

Confessions of a Professional Mom...

We're not supposed to admit it, and the title isn't meant, but any means, to eliminate anyone from this post - because I think a lot of us fall into this category.

I'm a professional mom.  No - you didn't read that correctly.  I'm a "professional" and a "mom" and the two are typically separate.  And I like it that way :)

I'm lucky enough to be in a field I adore and working at a job with enormous flexibility and intellectual challenges.  I like that the students re-energize me and make me think and make  me frustrated in new and different ways.  And I like that for a few hours during the week, I'm just "Dr. Aitken."  It's a nice feeling.

I remember this feeling from after I had Katie and went back to work in the fall.  With Hope, it's all just been too crazy to realize, but I'm getting there again.  I like those few hours of not answering to the word "mom" - and I think it makes me a much better mom in the long run.

Don't get me wrong.  As I think about this coming week being the last full week of summer and my schedules with the girls, I'm very sad.  I always get overly emotional at this point in the summer because it's wonderful and exasperating to spend that much time with them.  I'm really glad that I got to take this time to see them grow so much - to watch Hope begin to crawl and mimick and eat baby food and babble.  To watch Katie learn to ride a bike and play soccer and swim and play in new and different ways (and just generally entertain us).  It's a bittersweet moment.

But there's something so exciting about fall.  I love that my job allows me to continue to go "back to school" every year - even if I did work an almost full load all summer.  I love that there's new students and new books and I get those few hours again to be a thinking and different person than "Mommy."

Mommy is so much better when she's a Professional Mommy.  I used to feel guilty and bad about that, but now I know that it's what makes me so engaged and so willing to treasure these moments I do spend with them.  I get the best of both worlds - to be me and to be mom.  My job is truly a treasure (even when it's exasperating) and so is my family.